Does anybody else want to get divorced almost every weekend but feel reasonably ok in the week?

[totallysilent]

Hello
Have namechanged for this as have written things about dh in the past and would really like some perspectives based on this particular aspect of our lives together. A lot of the stuff I have written before has been pretty negative and if anybody were to read it now (assuming people are that interested!) then it would probably colour their opinions.
Anyway, dh and I are not intimate or affectionate with each other. We have three children 9 and under. We will very occasionally have sex (say every 6 weeks on average, possibly twice over 3 or 4 days and then not for AGES again). When this happens things feel better for a little while but then revert to being how they usually are. Both of us have stored resentment about past things but it is impossible to talk about anything other than superficial stuff with dh as he is short tempered and starts shouting, getting defensive etc...
I have been to relate for an assessment by myself (he doesn't know I went). Yesterday was supposed to be my first follow up appointment (again, he doesn't know) but guess what I got there and they had double booked (!) so I had to leave again. It feels as if events conspired against me.
Anyway, to get to my actual question. Every weekend dh is very rude and offhand with me. This morning for example he must have said about 5 unpleasant things - he talks in a rude and dismissive way and I feel totally unloved. This means that I retreat into my shell and stop interacting as I feel so upset. He normally calms down by the afternoon (he has just come in now and tried to make some kind of contact but I am so pissed off I feel catatonic), but by then it is too late because I am so hurt / angry. So at the weekends it feels as if I am a shadow of my real self. He is out in the garden interacting with all the children now for example, whereas I am sat here inside with a lump in my throat feeling useless.
Then the week starts and though we are still co-parenting rather than being in a loving relationship, I regain a lot of my power and do the whole school thing with the kids and dh and manage to talk to each other for the most part functionally etc.... though without affection.
So most weekends I daydream (not in a nice way) about the fact that we really have to separate as I see no other way out of my dilemma. I have not asked him to go to counselling with me as he has been really negative about this sort of thing in the past. Of course you never know, he might surprise me.
Even if we managed to really talk things over, I don't know if I still wouldn't find his negative, short tempered, sarcastic (with me) character too annoying.... He is much nicer to the kids. Engages with them etc.... Middle dd totally adores him. Obviously he does have good things about him too but I feel totally crippled by the fact that our relationship is totally not as I would like it to be.
Anyway, it is sunny and maybe everybody is out in the garden, but was wondering if anyone could relate to what I am saying?
Not saying I am perfect by the way, but am much less short tempered than him.

my dh and me have been split for a year now ,i said i want a divorce he just laughed and said yeah what ever but i am asap

Without explaining a bit more its hard to tell whats really going on . It sounds like hes deliberateley upsetting you then going off doing something fun with the dcs effectiveley isolating you . Are you expected to snap out of it when he makes this contact , or are you blamed for being miserable ? Apologys if ive got it completeley wrong , it just sounds familiar reading between the lines .

Either way , its not on really , and i think it good your going for counselling . I assume youve told him its upsetting so he knows how you feel about it yet continues . Counselling wont help change his behaviour , but it will change yours . If this is going on regularly , and you are spending most weekends being the upset mummy while hes the fun daddy , i would refuse to be in the position where that is going to happen again .

I would go out on the saturday morning and stay out . Id do the same on Sunday . Id watch a film or id catch up with freinds , id do anything but be present so he can do this to you , id just do it. If your not there he cant do it .
You shouldnt have to do this , but if youve tried everything and hes still persistant in choosing to spend his weekend bullying you , i would take that away from him .

I'm typing on a mobile, so won't be able to write a long post, but I really identify with a lot of your post. This weekend, dh has been hungover, has been grumpy, he was meant to take care of dc's while I did training, but he was too stressed and grumpy, he is asleep every afternoon. and that is a relief. But I have had a shit weekend and u don't think i even love him anymore. During the week I am by myself / with dcs alone a lot more and I cannot wait til dh goes back to work. Sorry I'm not much help to you but I do identify.

Sorry I meant to say that every weekend, without fail, dh gets in a mood,or sulking about something. He then refuses to tell me what's wrong. He then has a few drinks and starts a row at bed time. And,I think your dh sounds as if he is being horrible. But maybe he is unhappy. My dh is certainly not happy.

I used to dread the weekends and quite liked weekdays,now we have gone our seperate ways my life's back to how it should be,i enjoy the weekdays and the weekends

i'm sorry you're going through this,hope you can make a decision about what you want to do about this x

I can totally relate, its fine whe DH is at work and I can get on with things in peace! Mine differs in that he has no time for our daughter either and I wish he had more time for her even if he doesnt for me. Its horrid feeling like this isnt it? x

Napoleona, same here - sulking for days without telling me whats wrong. Has hardly said two words to me all weekend - again! I don't think they are happy either by the way they act but why should we suffer at the hands of their unhappiness when they can't even make an effort to try and sort things out.

Agree totally.

(sorry, checking namechange as am about tostart a thread about my H.)

hello totally. I wanted to answer because I find your post really sad and upsetting - it's just awful that you are living in such a horrible situation.

It's interesting that you say you have namechanged as you want advice on just this 'aspect' - yet in a short post you have painted a picture of a deeply disfunctional and unhappy relationship. I am horrified that you consider the fact that time spent with your partner is unpleasant, filled with nastiness and agression and totally loveless - and leaves you feeling awful - as just one aspect of a wider situation. Believe me, reading this it's very clear there is a huge amount wrong here.

It sounds as though you don't love or respect each other and make each other deeply unhappy. I say that just from the snippet here - from what you describe I can't tell whether one of you is more to blame than the other - although it sounds as though he is being extremely unpleasant to you.

I really cannot understand why you would want to stay in this situation - it is poisonous and really, really bad for your children.

I am not in a situation like this (although I have been in very unhappy relationships before so I know how it can be when you get stuck in them) I love my partner and cannot wait for the weekends - because we have such a great time together and we are each others best friends. I only say that because sometimes when you are unhappy it can be more useful to look at how happy couples interact - its so easy to lose sight of what love should be like.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this when they are older? You are sadly setting them up to do so because they are learning about relationships, every day, by watching you. They deserve better than this - and so do you. YOu only get one life - live it freely and happily and without this cruelty and stifling unhappiness.

Was the same for me - hated weekends.

Had a heart-to-heart with DH and he said he felt the same. Weekday evenings were okay but he felt pressured at the weekend.

Now we make sure we set aside some time just for the two of us and things are much better.

Thank you for all your responses. Diggs, it has occurred to me that I should suggest to him at some point that I am simply not there at the weekend - not just go out as he would then get cross that I was just doing what I wanted (not that I can't go out at the weekend but understandably I can't go out for the whole weekend and leave him to it) but actually say that I find the weekends so difficult that it is just much better if I am away somewhere (who knows where). I have mentioned how difficult I find the weekends in arguments a long time ago but I don't know how much of this has sunk in, but I find it difficult to talk to him about anything which could lead to an argument.

Napoleona and others - I agree that my dh is unhappy - mainly to do with work, but like others have said, I don't see why this then has to be taken out on me. It's as if he feels this charge of negative energy within him and he has to release it on to me.

waterrat, I feel sad as well :( I feel that dh and I have become entrenched in a particular way of relating which leads us precisely nowhere. He is also, as I said, short tempered which means that a lot of his reactions are intolerant and impatient. There are quite a few things I don't like about myself and which I am sure/know he finds difficult. I suppose the worst thing about our relationship is that we don't manage to talk about it! He works hard to provide for us but I think the sarcasm/criticism which is aimed at me is designed to keep us eternally separate. In a way it is far harder to be vulnerable and open than it is to keep the other person at bay with unfriendly words words and facial expressions. Of course I block him out too - don't know how much I would do this if he didn't have such obnoxious/autocratic reactions towards so much of what I say and do / don't do - though things are better between us during the week.

I'm glad things got better for you and your husband RandyRussian.

napoleona - forgot to say that my dh often falls asleep in the afternoons at the weekend too and I am normally relieved as well!

I feel your pain as my dh (and sometimes the 'd' isn't 'dear') is often just horrible and unacceptable. I told him this weekend that I am happier without him. He has now finally agreed to seek outside help to hopefully manage his temper. I am also going to book a relate appointment and I have kept a detailed diary of the abusive weekends. Good luck to us all.

Totally , this sounds awful . He sounds like a bully . This tactic of upsetting mum and playing dad of the year with the kids while your upset and isolated is a common one , one that was acted out often in my house . You shouldnt have to tip toe round him like this . Abusive men often explode when you dare to have the audacity to state your feelings or be a real human being with thoughts and feelings of your own. THEY decide how your going to feel , not you .

Everything you say sinks in , he doesnt have a problem understanding his boss or anyone else , he just feels he has a right to ignore and abuse your feelings . Men like this are broken in some way i think and they dont change .

You dont need his permission or aproval to go out and remove yourself , but i understand its probably not worth it for you. I know your going to relate , which is an excellant idea , but i wonder if you would be better seeking counselling from womens aid . They have centres all across the uk and its free . Im a bit worried a relate counseller would focus on what you could do to improve things , or ways in which you could manage his temper ect. A counseller from womens aid would focus on his abuse of you , which is of course the real issue here .

My own experience is obviously clouding my veiw , but when i attended ralate i came away feeling worse. My ex pestered me for sex all the time which i found humiliating and degrading. The counseller asked me why i didnt want to have sex with him . I told her about the yelling , name calling , my fear of upsetting him , and she went on about how stressfull it was for men trying to support their familys ect . In short she had a range of excuses for him and i was encouraged to be more understanding and patient.

I thought it was quite damaging actually , as in short she was saying what he had been saying , which was that it was my fault and i was responsible for the bad behaviour i was receiving. I wasnt , and the counselling i had from womens aid was very very differant. She wasnt interested in why he did this or that , just that it was abusive and it shouldnt be happening . At this point i had become very worn down and desperateley needed someone to say " Look , its not you , whats happening here isnt ok ".

hiTotally, I hope u get to go to relate, its funny cos I also did the first session on my own as dh wouldn't come - he thinks its a waste of time and money - he then said I can't continue to go as we can't afford it. After every weekend I think, its getting nearer to the end for us, it whittles away at you, the silence between us is deafening. We can't discuss anything, we just don't have the ability to sort things out, dh will sulk all weekend, obviously fuming but refusing to talk. Then he will blow up, after a few drinks and say he hates me then Monday morning apologize and then its back to doing our own thing for the week. Well I have decided to be brave and I'm going to tell him I want to leave, that's my plan if I can see it through! Let us know how u are today totally. And all u others!

Thx for your messages diggs and napoleona - I am sorry you are having a hard time napoleona, do you have children? I feel as if I should offer you more advice but all I can say is that I understand the whole thing about the silence being deafening - amazing how you can live with someone year in year out yet not really communicating. Then the rest of the world thinks you are perfectly shacked up when in reality what you would really like is to meet more people and interact more as well as just feel lighter in general.

I am feeling better today thank you. In my case I think my dh is an "eeyore" - a bit like a cross between victor meldrew and alf garnett... He is not really really horrible but is definitely undermining and sarcastic as well as domineering.

Thank you for posting diggs - I have read some of your other posts on other threads in the past and think that you sound very thoughtful and intelligent.
There are emotionally abusive elements to my dh's behaviour some of which must be learned as his father was an alcoholic who by all accounts (though none of his siblings or his mother ever talk about him) was not very nice and who left the family home (well, the children kicked him out eventually) when my dh was 15. His father died before I met dh and was living alone at the time.
Dh's first marriage ended in divorce and he is very bitter about his first wife getting the whole of their family home - he was left with a much smaller business property. They did not have children together though he did have a stepson. When I met him dh was still in touch with him but they have since fallen out and no longer have any contact. Dh comes from a family of sulkers and he no longer talks to two of his sisters or mine.... just to set the scene.
So he is a difficult person who must also find himself difficult I think. He is critical of me but he is also very self critical.

At our best we can chat quite amicably, at our worst I mope around feeling awful as described in the posts above. I can be passive aggressive in my behaviour leaving mess around etc.... but all of this could be addressed if we could simply talk about stuff which we can't. I don't see what the benefit to dh would be of "shouting me down" when things get too personal / threatening - any ideas anyone?

Thanks again for your messages and I hope you all have a nice day :)

I'm really glad you managed to get away diggs.

I am familiar with being shouted down , it seemed absurd to me , what dreadfull things could i possibly say that would cause him to effectiveley put his fingers in his ears ? Whatever issue it was could easily have been resolved , he activeley chose not to resolve it because i wanted it resolved . I think it really was that simple , and everything i have read backs that up . Theres also the controlling element of refusing to listen to someone , effectiveley sending them the message that they are so worthless theyre opinion counts for nothing .

Very effective too .

hi Totally, i couldnt get back on yesterday, but i wanted to say sorry for moaning about my own woes on your thread, it wasnt fair of me. I am really fine, i spoke to my dh and he has admitted he is not happy, he spent 90% of the weekend asleep, he even slept through dinner yesterday. i take this as a sign of depression. he wont go to the doctors, but he did do a course of antidepressants last year, so i guess thats what they would offer him again. he also drinks every day, too much. he has decided to join the gym and quit drinking, he has said this before so we will see. Like your dh, he is also very self critical as well as being critical of me , and virtually everyone else!!

As for you, are you thinking of leaving? Maybe if you cant speak to your dh could you write it all down? it might sound cheesy but it may help, i too find it so hard to start a conversation with dh where it may get ''difficult'', i have a real bad anxiety when it comes to arguments and such. If my dh gets even a little aggressive (verbally) it paralyses me with fear. This is why i thought counselling together would help (relate for example) it would help me to have someone else in the room, but as i said he will not do this. TBH in one sentence i would say to me, or to you, things wont change unless you leave them, but its not that simple, i know. (btw,yes we have 2 dc's)

im sorry im not much help, it does help to write stuff down though and get it out. maybe you can think a bit more about your options, its clear that something needs to change, even if its not leaving there may be ways of changing things in your relationship. hope you are ok.

Totally, I know its so easy for a stranger on the internet to say, but I hope that one of the options you are considering is leaving this relationship. YOu don't have to live like this for the rest of your life - and if you want your partner to change then there has to be a way of enforcing your boundaries ie. you make it clear that if he doesn't make an attempt to change or listen or talk - then you will go. Him being continually nasty to you and agressive and short tempered is not acceptable - as I said, its also bad for your children. You note that he grew up in an unhappy home - and is now an angry adult. Don't create a similar pattern for your own children.

What is it that you want to save here? I would suggest that rather than joint counselling you see a proper therapist - not one simply focused on saving the relationship as Relate are. the BACP website can help with that.

good luck - remember, you are right to want a happy love filled relationship. You say you could go out every weekend - if that is the stage it has reached, why do you want to be together? You say it's fine in the week - presumably because you both sigh an internal breath of relief that you dont have to interact anymore. Im sure your children are picking up on this tension.

You only get one life! The picture you have painted is of a very unpleasant and aggressive man who has managed to fall out with many people close to him - you don't have to put up with him ruining your life too.

Tbh, I'm not sure what's to save about this relationship. If at your best as a couple you can be amicable, that is setting the bar very low indeed.

Yo've got to remember you're showing your children what relationships are: is this sort of marriage something you'd want for them?