Namechanger and I'm posting this on behalf of my friend who is very worried about a mutual friend of ours (I'll call her Sally so it doesn't get confusing). I know that there is (sadly) a wealth of experience on abusive relationships on these boards, and having read enough threads myself I am strongly hearing warning bells on our friends relationship. I'll try to be fairly vague as don't want to out her.
Sally is late twenties, very fiesty, good career, financially sorted. Got involved with her DP about 18 months ago, after she came out of a very long term and stifling relationship. He is from a different (western) country, and she seemed smitten. I'm not 100% sure of the order of events, but at some point along the way he was 'depressed' with his job (not working for the right kind of company apparently) and has quit, moved in with her and is being financially supported by her. He won't find another job unless it's in the 'right' place, but there isn't any in their area so that his how he justifies not working.
Last year Sally and my friend went on a long haul holiday. They were delayed coming back for quite a while because of the snow, and by all account's Sally's DP was not happy. He had himself gone on holiday to an African country, and then contact with him ceased for 4 days. Sally was out of her mind with worry, obviously her holiday was ruined as her days were spent trying to contact him. Eventually contact came, apparently DP had been kidnapped at gunpoint and held hostage in a dark room. After four days they held a gun to his head and said he had to marry their daughter. He said no, so they then let him go and he went back to his hotel. His hotel gave him the rest of his stay for free.
Obviously it sounds very dubious and weird, but Sally was convinced and very concerned and has spent a lot of time since helping him get over his 'trauma'.
This trauma has manifested itself in her DP being very possesive over her going out. Since then she has also developed a 'stalker'. When she is out (for eg with colleagues) she regularly gets abusive messages from an unknown number, purporting to be a girl, telling her she is not good enough for her DP, she is a slag, how dare she do what she is doing, she should keep her legs shut etc etc etc. Sally very scared by this, especially as a lot of the time noone knows where she is except the person she is with. Oh, and her DP.... (sceptical, much?!). Sally is so worried she has informed HR at work she has a stalker.
Recent event which triggered my friend asking me to post this, out for lunch drinks at work, which evolved into afternoon drinking and then early evening, Sally, my friend and a very old work colleague. At 7pm (so not late) Sally's DP texts her 'I'm only going to say this once. Come. Home. Now'. Sally, very apologetic and worried, despite having done nothing wrong, goes home. My friend v worried about her. Next day (and why we aer worried as she is covering for him) Sally says that she had forgotted her DP had been punched in the eye the day before (!) and he wasn't supposed to be home alone because of the trauma of the kidnapping.
My friend has had an abusive relationship herself and can see the signs, so is sick with wory. But we also know unless we tread carefully she could shut herself away from us and stop confiding, she seems to have become so subservient to him/ I've sent my friend the abuser checklist and an article on gaslighting, but really hoped we could get some more advice on here on how we can give her a lightbulb moment. My main worry is that the emotional abuse will soon develop into something physical
Thanks if you got this far, and I know it all sounds a bit crazy and far fetched, which to me makes it all the more worrying...