Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I think DH is point scoring with me regarding sleep, how do I resolve it ?

20 replies

OnEdge · 01/05/2011 07:52

My husband and I rowed at the end of our family holiday last week. He began to pack up the caravan on the the Friday evening (we were due home Saturday morning ) He said that we might as well go home now because there was no point staying if we were arguing. I said that I wanted to stay, and that I would go out until he had gone because I was sick of the atmosphere. This meant that he had to take the children, because he couldn't leave them alone until I came back.

So when I came back, he had gone and taken the kids. He had left the caravan for me to sort out.

I made the most of the peace, and finally got home around 5 yesterday.

He seemed ok and we just went back to normal.

We have a system usually where the one who gets up to the baby and the others during the night has a sleep in the morning, while the other gets up and does breakfasts.

This morning, he heard the commotion but didn't get up and when he finally did, he said that wanted a lie in because yesterday he had had to do the night and get up with the kids ( I was still at the caravan)

I just accused him of point scoring, and he said that tomorrow he would like his lie in. He is quite manipulative, and very clever at arguing.

How do i deal with this situation now ????

We usually work very well as a team.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 07:59

Is this arrangement (of lie ins) quite inflexible? I don't think I could handle it personally. Better IMHO to be a bit more relaxed.

Surely though in this instance it is DH's 'fault' really, why did he kick up a fuss about going home? He sounds a bit immature TBH. I'd probably give him his precious lie in (to be fair you did have the night to yourself in the caravan) but tell him he was being childish.

Were the DCs upset?

Original poster

OnEdge · 01/05/2011 08:13

Its just a curtesy thing really, one is knackered, so the other takes up the slack. We do it all the time, if one is getting shattered, the other will let them have some rest. It isn't usually carried over like this. He is making a point.

The kids weren't upset, the eldest was with her GP for the night anyway, and the 2 year old was already asleep and the 9 month old doesn't register yet. We weren't shouting in front of them or anything. I'd say they were oblivious to it really.

I just didn't want to cut my holiday short because he had decided to go home early. I did engineer it a little so that he was forced to take the two kids with him by going out for a walk until he had gone.

I see it that he lost his lie in because HE decided to go home early. He will want to have a rest later today, and I am now resentful and want to say no. I have much more staying power than him, and can cope with less sleep, so if this becomes a game, I will win, he will suffer more than me.

I have had to manage running my business whilst pregnant/looking after the 3 kids for the past 4 years. He has the luxury of going off to work 9-5 hours. I also ensure he sleeps through the night before work so he can perform. I have to work when I can, often sending e mails in the middle of the night whilst feeding the baby.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 01/05/2011 08:15

Sounds like you are both into 'point scoring' and 'keeping a tab' on who has the most lie-ins. If you need a lie in why don't you just go to bed earlier? Surely it really can't be worth all this aggro? I never think a lie-in is really worth it with children around anyway, as you can always hear the noise etc going on . That's why I like going to bed around 9pm with a coffee, chocolates and a good book - and peace and quiet .

Ragwort · 01/05/2011 08:18

Did you both choose to have three DC in four years - makes me glad we stopped at one.

Original poster

OnEdge · 01/05/2011 08:25

Well, I can't just go to bed early, because the baby has a feed around 11. Also after a busy day, there is stuff I need to do at night such as prepare for the next day and tidy up etc.

yeah, we both decided/planned on having them all close together.

The lie in is essential in order to catch up on sleep lost during the night, otherwise, I would personally burn out.

OP posts:

ItDoesntBodenWell · 01/05/2011 08:28

He's right though, surely you did have a nice lie in on Saturday on your own?

Iggly · 01/05/2011 08:37

Big picture - I think you're both tired and keen for more sleep. So you've fallen into a sense of entitlement with the sleep scoring system.

I think you need to look at ways of adjusting your days so you're not spending ages in the evening tidying up etc meaning that you can't go to bed early. With DS (only one so easier, I know) I would eat meals with him, tidy up with him etc so there was less in the evening to do. Also now I'm back at work I do a lot in the morning when DH can help so I can go to bed at 8.30/9.

You should also have a chat with DH about sleep and see what you can do in the short term to cope until the little ones sleep through.

Adversecamber · 01/05/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 11:40

He lost his lie in because you did not want to go home.

Seriously you removed the option for him to have a lie in.

squeakytoy · 01/05/2011 11:48

Sorry, but I think you are the one who is point scoring and being manipultive here, and you also both sound very childish too.

Tortington · 01/05/2011 11:52

so he got up in the night -a night where he wouldn't usually have gotten up - but you were at the caravan

then the next day you think he should make breakfast ?

belgo · 01/05/2011 11:53

When you walked out of the caravan, did you say where you were going and when you were going to be back? and that's when he packed up and took the children home?

belgo · 01/05/2011 11:54

and then you stayed the night and nearly the whole day in the caravan on your own?

I think you have bigger problems then who is getting a lie in tomorrow.

RumourOfAHurricane · 01/05/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 01/05/2011 12:00

Yes...what FabbyChic said! You had a lot of time to yourself! He should have got the lie in.

colditz · 01/05/2011 12:02

yOU BOTH NEED TO GET MORE SLEEP.

If he feels he needs a lie in, let him have a lie in. Then you take a lie in at the NEXT opportunity.

Look, you have already won. he had to take three kids home to save face about really really wanting to go home. now don't let resentment against him from past lack of sleep cloud your judgement about how much you actually like your husband as a person.

Sod 'fair' and 'right' and 'my turn' - if you like someone, you let them sleep. Once he's slept, he'll be in a better mood anyway, then you can sleep.

No relationship problem ever in the history of the universe was solved by one party trying to 'win'.

zikes · 01/05/2011 12:02

I think you both seem to be point-scoring. If you usually work well as a team, I think you'd be better letting it go.

That said, you do sound fairly resentful as if you think he generally has it easier than you, so maybe you need to do some talking and rejigging of the way you do things.

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/05/2011 12:07

It also sounds like you need to sort out some proper childcare if you're trying to run a business. Your comment about him having the 'luxury' of going to work 9-5 is snide and very bitter.

If your work is important, give yourself time to do it properly and get someone to look after the children.

Gay40 · 01/05/2011 12:17

I do know that tiredness and catching up on sleep became an obsession with both of us when DD was a baby. And with that extreme tiredness came the lack of perspective with everything else. Sorry that's no help, but I just wanted to say that I understand both sides of the neding sleep debate.

warthog · 01/05/2011 12:25

you're as bad as each other. you made him take the kids and lose his lie-in. now he wants one.

just let him have it. you had a day's peace.

and remember that when the baby is sleeping better you'll ALL get good nights and life will improve beyond recognition.

try to let the resentment go.

Flip