I am feeling shit and I have caused it myself

[Kittytickle]

Hi,

I am new here. Sorry for long post, but I really need to do this:

I feel absolute crap after being told I looked "fine" and then that I need to go to Weight Watchers by DH.

I really could cry. I know I need to lose a bit of weight and get my groove back and have been mentioning it for the past couple of months, but DH brought it up today after saying high waisters I am wearing don't look good with short tops. He started repeating about WW and askings, "so when are you going to go?" rather than accepting I had sucked it up and not chaffing that particular wound. He said he was trying to encourtage me because he knew I wanted to lose weight in his defence.

I can accept all this, but we have previously been so close and I have always been the critical one. Now I am getting a taste of my own medicine and it hurts so much. Recently I have gone off sex and DH was usually the one initiating. I was feeling almost pleased that he had stopped asking like I was getting away with something. I now realise, I didn't want sex because I have gotten a bit fat (self concious and wobbly) and he has stopped asking probably for the same reason. It is superficial, but I do accept that sexual attraction will largely be a superficial thing. We used to talk more too and he hasn't been as affectionate/more distracted.

I do like a bit of distance and space and would be happy never to have sex again, but he has obviously been scruitinising me and has not liked what he has seen. I don't know how or what to say when I get home from work tonight now I have had time to stew on it.

We left on ok terms, I didn't say much, but am feeling pretty depressed/ashamed...

You mustn't feel ashamed. Your DH sounds really tactless to be honest. Your not an axe murderer, you've just gained a few pounds. If YOU want to lose some weight then take steps to do something about it but it mustn't be because someone else wants you to, even if he is your husband.

Sounds like you may have some other things to consider but I wanted to just comment on the main aspect of your post.

I'm absolutely certain that someone will be along to give you some very good advice very shortly but the part of your post that leaps out at me is that you "would be happy never to have sex again..." Do you think you are, subconsciously, not trying to lose weight in order that you don't have to have sex? Or so that DH doesn't want to have sex with you?

Hey when the time is right, when you want to you will lose weight, you don't need weight watchers you just need to eat less, cut out the crap, doesnt take long at all to lose a stone, around 7 weeks with a healthy weight loss of 2lb a week.

Maybe the way your partner acts makes you feel unattractive an that is why you are of the mindset you are with regards sex.

To be honest if he loved you, you the person he wouldn't care if you were a size 20 he would still love you and fancy you.

Thanks for the replies so far.

BDSM I really don't like being fat, felt much "sexier" when I was slimmer so I would much rather be slimmer and "active" IYWIM. I would never be that desparate to avoid sex. He is a lovely DH, but a bit blind/tactless about some things. His job is something which demands high degree of intellect but he doesn't "get" some personal things sometimes and will get nervous and the overemphasize- ww, for example.

Fabby, I know he loves me, we have been together for 18 years, but sexuality is superficial, so as much as it hurts, I accept it. I would still love him if he was 20 stone, but I wouldn't feel like shagging him lots.

Fucking hell, in 18 years, this is about me really and another journey. Having my Dcs and raising them has been really hard for me personally even though I have had great circumstances: supportive DH, pulls his weight, fine for money etc.. All of a sudden, the DC's whilst still young, are getting wings and I am getting a little more time and thinking time and I don't like what I have become. I don't know where I have gone and how to get it back.

I also feel much sexier when I'm slimmer - even by just a few pounds - so I totally understand what you're saying about that.

You're very good at expressing yourself in your posts. The point about not knowing where you've gone and how to get it back sounds as if you have spent a long time looking after other people's needs and have neglected your own (this is probably typical of most parents to some degree). Is there any little thing that sparks your interest? Something that's just for you? Can you spend some time on yourself (that's not about weight loss) - just doing something that you enjoy?

You sound a little bit lonely in your posts but I may be reading too much into them (having had a couple of glasses of wine).

I had the same thought as Belle... perhaps you are trying to avoid intimacy by not tackling your weight - this can be unconscious - of course it's not your deliberate intention. Why would you be happy never to have sex again? You think it is superficial... Does your DH agree? I've been with my DH for as long as you and a bit more and sex is still important.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I got back from work and DH was sick with guilt and worry that he'd hurt me. Anyway, we are healthy eating as of tomorrow and I am also going to buy that fab book I have heard about about the psycology of (over) eating.

The sex thing (don't feel like it) is the busy, tired, don't feel sexy because I am a bit too fat. DH is attractive, so it isn't that. I will feel better soon and get some blubber off. DH said he would love to shag me every day no matter what size I am but I give off vibes and have refused a bit too, which is true. Anyway, I feel better that he said that to me.

Thanks again everyone, the only way is up, hopefully not on the scales though..

do you feel sick with guilt and worry that you hurt him when you criticise him as you said you often do?