how do I manage this respectfully? too much from MiL and tat from Mother...

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I love my mother but she is a little unstable emotionally and on a teeny fixed income which does not really allow her enough money for gift buying. So I tell her not to get us anything and she still buys cheap/ unsuitable/ totally random gifts for the children...

Case in point this week - dd1s 5th birthday - my Mum sent a porcelain collectors doll (from a charity shop) of the sort that should be looked at not played with - the box she came in said the doll was not suitable for under 14 yo's. I have no problem with second hand as many toys and clothes we buy are from charity shops or car boot sales - but you need to buy wisely.

DD liked the doll but despite warnings not to play with her she took her for a picnic in the garden dropped her and broke the arm of the doll. I have put her away and hope to fix the doll before mum asks about her - she lives hundreds of miles away and visits relatively infrequently so it is not an immediate problem.

My question is how do I convince her not to spend money she doesn't have on things we don't need? I am sure part of it is wanting to compete on some level with my PiL who are not wealthy but they spend every weekend at car boot sales aquiring mountains of stuff (a large propertion of which we are given)They spend more time with our children as they live close by and so know what they like/ what will fit.

This means I am often confronted with multiple coats dresses and toys all carefully chosen and well meant (that I have too cram into stuffed draws. It sounds like a tough problem I know. We don't need all this stuff but I am told, just recycle/ return what you don't want - and I do, mostly but that is a big job in itself... sigh.

So am I making a fuss about nowt? Should I smile be grateful and deal? Or there some tactics I can deploy to fend off unwanted 'stuff' without harming the good relationships I have with my in laws and mother? please...

BTW my Mother is quite crafty (making things) and a good cook so I am always encouraging her to make stuff rather than buy in - a few months ago she wrote and illustrated a story for the children based in our house about our cats which was lovely - unfortunately she often gets stressed about the making and obsessing about perceived flaws instead of just enjoying the creative process ...

Oh I know it's too late now, but you should have put the doll away in its box instead of letting her play with it.

If it stresses your mum to do the creative things, it's not a good alternative.

Maybe you should moan gently to your mum about all the stuff your in-laws give, and that would help reduce her desire to compete (as longas she's not the sort of mum to blab).

I know what it's like to have drawers stuffed full, my in-laws send loads of clothes, which is lovely lovely lovely, don't get me wrong, just overwhelming sometimes. But it's coming from a good place.

I think I'm saying smile, be grateful and deal, then [cconfused]. I've never felt able to do anything else .

Let your mum do it. It helps her to feel more part of things and causes no harm. x

As your mother lives far away, how does she know how much PILs spend on the children?

I think that as your mother and PILs are all adults, then you have to let them buy what they want for their grandchildren. All you can do is thank them, and tell them that they have been too generous and you feel a bit overwhelmed by their gifts. If they ignore you, then I think you have to just grit your teeth.

And don't tell your mother about the latest gifts from the PILS.

Just accept the gifts with thanks.

If you really don't want them, then pass back to charity, donate to a jumble sale or freecycle. Or sell them at a car boot sale or on eBay and use the money to buy something that your children really want/need.

Thank you for your replies.

To answer your question piparabbit - I have been with dh for over a decade (and mother lived with us for around 6 months, 3 years ago) so she is aware of the PiL generous habits (particularly at b'days and christmas), without me reporting it to her.

I agree that perhaps it is the best thing to simply smile and deal. I just have two issues.

i) Mother has such a tiny income that expenditure on non-essentials can affect her budget disproportionately. But she naturally wants to buy things for her GC that is probably not going to change.

ii) I worry about a distorted sense of entitlement being developed by my kids - an easy come easy go attitude engendered by having so much given to them. But I suppose it is my job as a parent to counter that with my own attitude and behaviour. Cannot help thinking actions speak louder than words though!

bigmouth I could've written this post! seriously!! it is rather more complicated with my mother (she has massive ishoos when it comes to stuff). I don't think there's anything you can do about the first worry, but the second is legitimate and the gp's should be able to support you on it. My MiL took it pretty well and has since resorted to giving the dc's small chocolates instead of bringing them gifts every week. I don't love that solution but it's a compromise and it works for now...

Thank you PHD glad you have reached some resolution.

I suppose the main difficulty I have with tackling the PiL head on is my own reticence I do not want to tell them what to do with their own money. They have both dealt with serious and life threatening illness (and it is ongoing) which means they appreciate so much all the time they have and want to spoil their GC - entirely understandable. They have a much smaller family DH is an only child and I am one of 6! So the amount of disposable income they have is vastly different to my own family. DH is always encouraging to spend their cash on hols for themselves etc. and not on us but he doesn't push it.

There is no easy answer - maybe I have reasoned myself out of doing more than I already do (again).

Just had a thought.... could your PILs get age-appropriate magazines for your DCs? Perhaps CBeebies or something about animals, whatever will be of interest. That way they'll have a special gift every couple of weeks which they can share with the DCs but which you can recycle when the next one arrives?

With your inlaws I would be firm that you don't want car boot sale stuff and have no room to store it and don't have time to go to charity shops to return it. Tell them you know they mean well but you don't want them buying more stuff and any stuff brought round in future when it is not a birthday or christmas will not be accepted. I would hate someone doing that to me.
Your mum's unsuitable presents you will have to live with. I'd have let her play with the doll as it's not your daughter's fault it's an unsuitable present, but wouldn't be in a hurry to fix it now broken.

Oh my god 2rebecca - you sound so punitive towards the inlaws. Does this reflect how you feel about your inlaws. I am a mother and grandmother and one of those persons unfit to roam the earth a MIL! I think the OP is sensitive enough to know how to handle this matter. If you have children you will most probably be a MIL one day and then you may feel differently.

No, I get on very well with my inlaws, but if they regularly turned up with loads of stuff rather than politely say thank you and then have to fit in charity shop outings (none of ours are anywhere near a free car park) to the rest of my life I would not be happy.
I don't understand people who prefer a veneer of politeness and inner seething to just telling folk that a particular behaviour isn't helpful even if meant well and you'd rather they stop it.
Perhaps I get on well with my inlaws because we don't pussyfoot around each other.
1 short discussion of "thanks but please don't bring any more as I don't have room for it and I don't have time to keep taking it to charity shops" would save years of feeling pissed off when they bring another load. It may improve relationships as you don't think "oh no not more crap" every time they arrive.