Family backgrounds causing problems

[lovelabcoats]

The dynamics of our families are so different. My Mum is very much, you learn by your mistakes, they are yours to make . She will give advice if asked though.

DH parents treat both him and his sister like little children and they seem to revert to being children whilst with them. His parents try and do this to me and I have rolled over and given in for a number of years but have had enough. I actually stood up to his Father recently and he was quite taken aback but took it on board. I have dared to stop doing exactly what his Mum wants and she really doesn't like this. She is by DH admission a control freak.

The way DH and I were both raised was very different. He had a very nice upper middle class life in London at a leading public school and then ended up at Cambridge. His Mother is from a long line of very wealthy professionals but has fallen on hard financial times since her and Fil lost their money in the last recession. I was bought up to have very good manners but was bought up in a huge sprawling family that were really very poor.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that both DH and his family are quite snobby and he seems to be getting worse as he gets older. I am not as educated as he is, though I would hope not a complete idiot and trained as a dental nurse when I left school.

He actually admitted to finding it hard to mix with non professionals tonight as we recently went to a BBQ of some friends of mine and he had to speak to blue collar workers. I am feeling really upset and actually very down about his attitudes as by being like this as it is obviously not nice. I feel he is looking down his nose at all my family. They are all hard workers, okay my sister works as a cleaner and my other one works in a newsagent while his sister jaunts round travelling in her 50k a year job. But my sisters are really lovely women, very kind , really supportive.

Has anyone else experienced this? I know there is not supposed to be such a class system in this country anymore but there certainly is snobbery. It does feel as if the combination of class difference and also parental attitudes are taking their toll.

I am 'highly educated' (ha)

The most intelligent (and therefore the best to spend time with, the most interesting) of my friends are the ones who show interest in all types of people, who are clever and engaged enough to be curious about everyone they meet.

You could point out to your DH that to only be able to communicate with people of your own 'ilk' shows a certain lack of intellect, an inability to think on your feet - and certainly a very boring, unimaginative approach to socialising.

Snobs are boring.

By your DH making this a 'class issue' he's getting to keep his head in the clouds and you on the back foot.. as in this analysis you are the one 'at fault' (yes ridiculous, but that's kind of the way he seems to be thinking).

Turn it round on him.

His mum is so well educated, but she doesn't yet seem to have understood that her children have - erm - grown up?? Raise your eyebrows and suggest that she look to your mum for an example of how to handle this. Next time she does something control-freaky, comment to your DH that you are puzzled, it's just not a very intelligent way to behave. Make that your weapon. And perhaps adopt the phrase 'Snobbery is not only one of the one of the most unpleasant affectations, it's also one of the least intelligent.'

If you're feeling really snippy (or next time you feel he hits below the belt) you could comment on the fact that the only sure bet about having money is that you don't know if it's going to last... isn't it strange that despite their professional backgrounds, his parents too are now NOT VERY WEALTHY - just like yours. Another phrase perhaps? Next time MIL is boorish or interfering? 'Well you know what they say - it's manners maketh man, not having once had money.'

And the man himself. See above. You clearly don't appreciate his gradual progression into boring, old-fartish snobdom, so start commenting on just how unintelligent you find that attitude towards our fellow humans. He can't talk to 'blue-collar workers'? What, does he only feel confident and capable at social conversation if he is bolstered up by people he feels are 'like him'? How surprising, you thought he went to university and was socially very advanced?? Suggest gently that he watch your sisters and get some tips on how to feel at ease with different types of people as they are very good communicators. Don't let him make his - yes HIS - inadequacies and frankly unpleasant attitude here something that comes, somehow from you. It really doesn't. Make it clear that you admire your family and the positives you see there. Make casual positive comments about them, their attitude, your background. Why does he get to write the household script about who is 'better'? It certainly sounds as if there's a different story here. Which mum, for example, is causing discord in your house? Not yours it seems. You're too polite to point this out, while he gets away with subtly putting your side down! He's on very dodgy ground I'd say!

Good luck!

labcoats...GGGrrrrrrrrrr! I am an self-confessed inverted snob- attitudes like this make my blood boil. My family back ground sounds like yours AND I have a high level of (hard won) eduction (now).

'Class' does NOT= intelligence; eduction does NOT = intelligence; neither 'class' nor education equals integrity, compassion, humility or grace.

WHY exactly does he find it hard to converse with non-professionals?? Is he totally and utterly defined by his profession, with nothing else to talk about?

sounds like his high-class up bringing has equipped him well (as usual) with large portions of prejudice and fear. I would find him socially embarrassing and boring I'm afraid.

Manners maketh man is one of my Mums favourite saying! along with good manners cost nothing. We have woken up this morning both feeling pretty wrung out and miserable. I just feel I don't know him very well anymore. My DH is an academic so has students fawning over him all the time and feeding his massive ego, I have seen it first hand.

He is blisfully unaware how upset he can make me, even though I have pointed it out to him in very frank terms. If I raise my voice at all he just switches off and probably think I am some sort of guttersnipe, because ladies don't do that sort of thing. I really try not to shout and get shitty but last night I did after taking a lot of crap from his Mother last week. His sister did actually stand up for me at his parents house.

His parents are incredibly bitter about losing their money. My Mum made some very wise investments and is actually far more comfortably off than they are, pretty good for someone that worked in a shock, horror bingo hall.

He has criticised the way I speak in the past, glottal stops apparently. I didn't even know what they were and he bought a book of grammar for me . My grammar is ok, his is amazing and if he explains the latin root of a word to me once more I may kick him in the shins. It made me cry on Christmas day. When we stayed in a relatives holiday home of his he made a joke I could sleep in the servants quarters.

He also seems to suffer from a complete lack of empathy as a human being generally. Two of my friends are health professionals and have remarked that his behaviour shows traits of aspergers. I am aware that a lot of people like to be amateur detective regarding this but one of them actually has dealings and makes referals for child development as her job.

I have joked in the past that we are like Prof Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle, but now realise we really are.

I appreciate the input from this board as I feel a neutral view is really helpful. Sorry if my post is a little rambling but it is all sort of blurting out in a bit of a shambolic way.

SOunds like your other half likes to use his intellect to make up for a lack of personality.

has he any good qualities?

Id be interested to hear what HE thinks his good qualities are? Does he think that correct pronunciation makes him a better person???

what kind of shit do you take off his mother?

i find the joke about the servants quarters really worrying

This is one of my favourite quotes;

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell

truly well-bred people make everyone feel comfortable

jeeez!

how relatively heterozygous do you think 'well-bred' people are???

'commoners' are usually perfectly comfortable, without needing the approval of inbred well-bred individuals

God he sounds awful.

Agree with shouty

Oh I think "well-bred" oddly means "well brought up".

"Mr. Gardiner was a sensible, gentlemanlike man, greatly
superior to his sister, as well by nature as education. The Netherfield
ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived
by trade, and within view of his own warehouses, could have been so
well-bred and agreeable."

whereas

"By Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley they were noticed only by a curtsey; and,
on their being seated, a pause, awkward as such pauses must always be,
succeeded for a few moments. It was first broken by Mrs. Annesley, a
genteel, agreeable-looking woman, whose endeavour to introduce some kind
of discourse proved her to be more truly well-bred than either of the
others; and between her and Mrs. Gardiner, with occasional help from
Elizabeth, the conversation was carried on."

Ahh Norma

He sounds lile a Twattus Maximus

If it helps OP, if he has that attitude in work, no matter that you see fawning and adulation - I can guarantee you that many of his co-workers will think he's a complete knob too!

I work in academia... nice people on the whole but quite a few bellends unfortunately, usually ones like your DH who think their job (and it's just a job fgs) makes them somehow special and interesting and allowed to be rude. They are also usually the ones that actually aren't so great at various aspects of their job because they're less good at collaboration, taking on the shitwork, being interested in other people as well as themselves, etc. Massive egos are generally bad news for everybody!

He switches off does he? I'd probably get a lot blunter with him then. I like Hatti Fatner's observation, I'd say that to him. And ask him why he continues to confuse intellect and intelligence. When he asks why, tell him it doesn't seem very intelligent to make your wife start thinking she'd be happier and better off not married to you anymore, because you seem to have turned into a boring, puffed-up, arrogant, rude, embarassing KNOB.

apologies to PrinceHumperdink if she meant well brought up, when she said well-bred. The context would suggest to me that she equated being upper-class with being 'well bred';

it isn't because of class structure - truly well-bred people make....

and also the Queen reference, I think infers that there is an association between being upper class and being well brought up. Which is equally wrong; and is the attitude that the OP is up against

Oh and another option (he'll really hate this so it should give you a bit of a laugh) - ask him if there are problems at work. Is he being pressurised, bullied, overlooked for promotion? When he looks puzzled and says no, why - say that you've noticed he's getting more and more insecure about himself - trying to show off academically at home, putting you down to make himself feel better, being very pompous and snobbish with people. Say very gently that you need to get to the bottom of it, because of course people are starting to notice and are asking if he's all right and if his job is safe, because he never used to be so silly and throw himself around acting the big intellectual...

His underhand comments - grammar, servants quarters - are vile!

He is under stress at work and has just been made head of admissions which is a thankless task and is making him ill tempered and jealous of the fact that I can leave my job at work. He is very jealous that I work part time and that he feels knackered all the time. We have a cleaner now who comes once a week and I do the rest of the housework. cooking and shopping, he puts out the bin and does the DIY and garden. He really doesn't have to do very much at home.

I think the really frustrating thing is I have pointed things out to him that upset me. I was married at a very young age and in that marriage I did not voice what bothered me at all really, which was stupid but I was very young and naive. I was only 18 when I had my DD in my first marriage.

His plus points are he took on my DD, she has now left home as she is 25, she was not easy as a teenager and he was a decent stepfather to her. He is excellent with our DS . He is a good provider financially, he is very good at DIY.

Does he make me feel loved? not really, I feel quite lonely as he is so wrapped up in his work.

His career is going well, he was promoted a couple of years ago and is determined to make it to Professorial level. He has got a decent amount of research money in over the last few years, both grants and from companies. He has been quoted in national newspapers and has been on radio 4 a few times and interviewed on tv. The students love him and made an appreciation society for him on facebook and voted him their favourite lecturer at their annual ball last year.

I think it is the stress of his job but it still makes me feel sad. I have offered to help him with the admin side and that is what I do as a job. I did help him in the past by putting all his references gathered over 15 years in to a database for him, I collated literally hundreds of bits of information for him.

Writing this down is helping but also making me feel very upset. On paper and to the outside I would think most people we would think we are very lucky but it is quite a loveless practical relationship. I have never expected romance and roses, just affection and daisies would do , if that makes sense.

Thanks to everyone for replying.