Hi Bejeezus
I could have written your post. I am also in a relationship with an alcoholic (who has finally stopped drinking during the day, but I do have my doubts sometimes), and I am the only earner with sole responsibility for the bills, the rent and the housework.
He stays home all day, ostensibly as a SAHD although this was never the planned set-up - we were both supposed to be working and DD would be in the care of family part of the time, and nursery the rest. Unfortunately, and largely due to the alcohol problem, DP has never held down a job for longer than a few months, and although he is supposed to be doing all he can to look for work as I cannot sustain us financially alone, he has never in two years managed to find work for himself (and is now not even bothering to look).
I wanted to reply to your post because I ask myself your question ALL the time. I, too, call my partner names when I am at the end of my tether - I have variously said that he is useless and a deadweight and have found myself crying with frustration at him. It makes me feel like I am losing my mind, as I have never, ever felt the need to insult any partner of mine in the past.
He tells me I am vicious, a right fucking bitch, and that because I am so clever I can use words against him, and all he can do is retaliate in his own way by storming off or getting drunk.
I would say, with biased eyes I suppose since I am in what seems like such a similar relationship to yours, that you are not an 'abuser'. It seems to me like the behaviour you worry about being abusive is entirely reactive. You have been taken for a complete ride, your ex partner sounds like an absolute leech, and in the circumstances it is not remotely surprising that your sheer frustration causes you to lash out in the only way you can. Bejeezus, honestly, my DP says exactly the same thing yours does, that HIS shit behaviour is in reaction to mine - but I have not so completely lost sight of myself that I would believe that, and neither should you. It's pretty obvious - look at all the things you have to react TO (the drinking, the lack of respect, the taking you for granted) - it's not you.
It's absolute rubbish for him to say that you are horrible to be with. Why, you have provided him with a house, with food, you've kept the place clean and brought up his children, and he is for some reason not satisfied? I think it's incredible that you lasted as long as you did, and I fully expect that when this awful divorce is over, you will become the kind, content, confident woman you no doubt were before this loser came in and walked all over you.
I also find myself using exactly your turn of phrase - I cannot believe how fucked up my view of what is normal has become. I am also in the process of leaving, and whilst I'm getting all my arrangements sorted so that the break can be clean and quick, I already notice the change in myself. I'm happier, I'm optimistic about my future, and I no longer feel the relentless helplessness and frustration that I've become so accustomed to, that I lost sight of what a normal relationship should be like.
You already made the decision to leave this drain on your emotional and financial wellbeing. That is good. I think you should not torture yourself over whether you are an abuser or not - just be glad that it's over, and look to your future.