Advice needed on what ds has said about his dad

[seriouschanger]

Don't know if I post here or in AIBU or SEN?
I have name changed also.
Ds dad and I seperated when pregnant.

My ds (6) has severe language delay has recently come out with times his dad well physically abused him! He was slapped repeatidly in face for eating something he shouldn't or making a mess...he was a toodler at the time! Thrown accross the room for touching a cup. Hit around head/face and body constantly and half strangled for not being able to get to sleep.

My ex has been aggressive in other ways (attacking house) since he stopped seeing ds but I never thought he would touch ds in a million years! I didnt know he was aggressive until attacks on house ...now ds discloses this:(

Now as ex has already done the reporting me to SS/school/benifits trying to get ds taken into care to just destroy me and his charm and nice suits the doozy SW fell for it all alergations proven not true...SW and I have never got on since. Call it lack of trust in her for believing a psycho! SW also said I was over reacting when ex was attacking the house!

So I am reluctant to go to SS! If I go to police they will say...where is the evidence...well it was 4 yrs ago.

Want to protect ds from this evil man in the future. Lucky this not issue at present as ex hasnt wanted to see ds for last 4 years! Spoke to solicitor and told ds would be put under severe stress of interviews which ds would not cope with.

Should I report it? Should I leave it and 'hope' the sicko doesnt bother ds again?

Advice needed

No, FGS don't hope. Child-batterers don't suddenly stop doing it. Also, now DS has told you he'll be expecting you to protect him. Poor little mite. He'll be devastated if nothing happens as a result of this confiding in you.

Your SW sounds like a dickhead and I would recommend filing a report, even though it was so long ago - also, do re-contact them about this current situation.

How about phoning one of the child abuse charities for a bit of a talk? It might help you clarify your ideas - certainly can't do any harm.

thanks garlicbutter. I am lucky ds wasn't more seriously hurt...so glad ex doesn't try to see ds now...but worried for future.

Is NSPCC best one to contact? It's only one I heard of?

The best thing you can do is to not allow any form of contact. What happened happened when he was seeing his father, putting your son under any duress now to recall what happened is just plain wrong.

You know now what happened and if necessary can use that if he decides he wants to see his son again, i.e only have supervised access.

As it is let the past stay in the past and carry on having a future.

Fabbychic this is what I want to do...but ex tried to get ds taken off me twice...once via SS and then trying to go to court to win parental responsibility (where he has ds fulltime?don't remember the name of it)...he dropped it thankfully as I fought back!
But if I leave it be...will I get into trouble for not disclosing it now? Or will they think I am making it up to stop ex seeing ds in i.e 2 yrs time when ex tries to see ds again?
Need to know where I stand leagally? I would rather leave it as I cant cope with it tbh and hope ds forgets...sadly ds memory is amazing as he has autism.
I feel stuck in between two decisions that could both have disasterous results for ds.

If your son hasn't seen his father for 4years is yr son talking about being assaulted when he was just 2? Notwithstanding, DS excellent memory it's very unusual to have clear memories prior to the age of 2. Could someone else have hurt your son like this - ie more recently?

My DH has memories from that age and he's late 30s. My DD who is 5 can also remember things from when she was 2.

ds tried to say to 1:1 when he was 3 yrs old...he said dad hit him because he turned computer off. He came up with same thing 5 months ago...I thought it was a tap on the hand:( so ignored it!

2 weeks ago ds was swimming with 1:1 and ds saw a man and girl who looked like ds dad and half sister. Ds said to 1:1 'I want a dad' 'I want a sister'. the same night he said to me 'what will happen if I turn dad computer off when I am 2?' I said 'I don't know what will happen if...' ds said 'daddy will slap me in face and shout at me' and he howled for 2 hours:(
I just kept saying 'daddy was naughty your a good boy when you were 2'. I was well still cant answer how I feel only sickened!

So this memory has remained constant it was he could not verbally say it till now. He has an amazing memory and told me about being locked in room at 18 months old recently (door handle broke) and he said I climbed through the window!

What does 1:1 mean?

I can totally believe the memory thing!

I said before 2.

I think you do have to report it now. Even if there is no evidence, just having a record that you have said something. Is the 1:1 a support worker? Could you ask them to help you write a statement perhaps or an accompanying statement saying what DS said to her when he was 3? And also confirming that it's not unusual for children with AS to have exceptional memories.

NSPCC might be worth contacting, also Women's Aid as they have experience dealing with the fallout from abusive partners or ex-partners, on women AND children.

Speak to the NSPCC. They will give you the right advice and you can decide then what you want to do. They won't force you to do anything but you do need to talk this over with them.
You are right to worry about the future. You need to ensure that your ex is not able to have contact with your son again, and to ensure that, your son's disclosures need to be acted on NOW. The solicitor made a point that being interviewed might be difficult for your son - but whoever does that will be trained and highly skilled in these situations and will not force your son to speak or put him through any emotional duress.
You do need to act on this - but I think you know that.
Speak to the NSPCC.

Thanks BertieBotts When ds was 3 I got 1:1 to write it in the summary. Will have to find it as don't remember the date...didnt think much as thought it was a tap on hand!

This time I got 1:1 to write a statement and sign it straight away. I have it safe.

I will ring NSPCC tonight, I had WA outreach. I will ring her as she said I can be rereferred at anytime. I didn't realise they helped with this!

I am worried though I will be acquised again...ex reported me for abuse back then when ds was 2.5yrs which was fully investigated and proven false and when ex was attacking us I was told I was in so many words a bad parent for being anxious/stressed about the attacks as not good for ds. They made ds go to an afterschool club then where they could monitor him and all the 1:1s had Q's about working with ds and are they happy in their job and what did they do with ds! Awful really as ex was attacking us and I was upset/frightened/scared....all I know this time I have to show no emotional upset that my ds was beaten as again I will be accussed:(
Plog 1:1 is ds worker (one - on -one) for ds autism.

thank you Selks am starting to feel better constant migrane with it all....headspinning to say the least!

It's not at all unusual for abusive partners to report the other one (you) as an buser, knowing the accusation will have to be investigated. It's a waste of precious SS time - but it show they do their job! Your 'acquittal' will be on file with them, also your son's one-to-one worker will be able to support what DS has said and why he didn't say it sooner.

Of course a 6-year-old remembers what happened when they were 2, it's just like me remembering what heppened when I was 20! What's more, my first memory is from 17 months old and my mother has confirned it :)

It sounds as though you're still fearful & doubting yourself, OP. Your ex must have done a right old number on you. It's a great idea to ring WA for some more support & guidance.

I've rung the NSPCC before now - they're a bit dry, but in a way that makes you trust them.

Oh, and congrats on DS talking! He must be gaining confidence now, if he's testing out telling you things that worried him. Brilliant, well done.

... it's going to be a nightmare when he's got full speech confidence, and has to tell you 7 years' worth of stuff

Yes garlicbutter a MN here told me it was called 'projection' made total sense...so when ex said I was mad too...he was 100% projecting! I am on my own with no support and ex and mum tried to destroy me basically...they went to SS, school and benifits in same week! They even got my sister onboard and I have never spoken to her again. It was when ex stopped seeing ds it got worse, attacking house/waiting around corner etc I was frightened and phoned SW the morning he tried to break in really frightened ...I was told if I didnt stay calm for ds this would have effects on him and it wouldnt be good...that point I shut up and have not spoken to SS about ex again. This will be talking about ex again...so you can see why I am terrified!

We work on memory recall I guess this has helped ds to talk about past? I know the day ds can come to me and say I just did ABC etc is the start of ds becoming independent roll on that day:)

I'm sorry to hear your mum's as barking as your ex. You must have realised, by now, that he picked you because your birth family had already undermined your confidence. Unforutnately, it sounds like you got a social worker who was also faulty in the head, and bullied you too. What a relief that you're away from all that now!

Really, I would recommend calling Womans Aid. When they helped you before, did you hear about their Freedom Programme? It could be great for you. In the immediate term, they'll be able to give you really good advice, and support if you need it, on how best to handle DS's revelations :)

Now you've started dealing with good people who do good things, perhaps it's time to put your trust in people who DESERVE it and do some good for yourself.

garlicbutter ex's mum...not MY mum no my sister was bad enough! My mum is fab and we are best friends but she lives with my sister so can never go their to stay to keep ds safe etc

Yes I can join the Freedom programme at anytime and I have asked for CBT as was left a bit tramutised...nightmares and ex still a great risk tbh.

Ds starting school next week for first time i will have 5 hrs a day free for first time in nearly 7 yrs so really going to get things sorted..thank you:)

Phew! And hurrah about the rest. Go you! x

garlicbutter I have contacted one of the charities....they put me at ease and informed me the best route to take. I feel better now knowing what to do! I was told best to report it to SS and to oinform the solicitor also. Reassurred that as it was so long ago and ds f not in ds life their is no risk at present. Thank you and others for your support and advice:)

Well done Serious, you did the right thing. Now do the next step - speak to SS and solicitor. You can do it. Best wishes.

thanks Selks...will tell solicitor first...see how it goes down:( Solicitor may come up with more info also!