This is going to be a long one. Sorry!
I have a friend, A (female), who I have known for 18 years. We've been there for each other over the years. She is still single, despite several serious relationships. Meanwhile, I'm married with three young children. She gets on really well with my dh and the children, though now she works in London and I'm 200 miles away in the country. I love her dearly and consider her my best friend, she vertainly my oldest friend, and the person I can speak most honestly too (apart from dh). She has loads of friends: she's one of those people that makes friends easily and manages to keep them, she's warm, affectionate, caring, intelligent, beautiful and all-round lovely.
So. Last October I went to see her for the weekend and she told me that she'd been having a fling with a man who was married with three children. She also told me that they knew it was wrong so had called a halt. She was very upset because she genuinely cares for this man but knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I was sympathetic to how she felt but was glad they had called a halt. In December I saw her again and she told me that she and the married man were now involved in a full affair. She said all the things that I never believed people really said: "His wife doesn't understand him", "They're just like brother and sister", "They're only together for the children". I had one of those clear moments, despite the fact that we were both well into the wine at this point, and I had to tell her what I thought. I was quite tough with her, because I was so horrified at what she as doing and how the most likely scenario was that she was going to get dreadfully hurt. She got upset and cross with me and completely stunned me by saying it was all right for me because I had eveything that she wanted: husband and children. I know that she desperately wants to settle down with someone, but has always been unsure about children and certainly seems to relish her career and London life. After the row, we sort of agreed to disagree and went on to spend the rest of the weekend together, though I felt that we going through the motions a bit.
I thought it best to give her some space for a couple of months (not that unusual for us) so that I wouldn't seem to be on her case about the man. I heard nothing from her either. By March/April I was getting a bit worried, sent a couple of texts/emails but no reply. (It's near-impossible to pin her down on the phone.) Eventually, at the end of May I got a text telling me that in February she'd been diagnosed with a cancerous tumour on her nose and was currently undergoing chemo and radiotherapy. She couldn't talk or hear and her mother was caring for her. As soon as her treatment finished she went to stay with her parents. In her text she apologised for not letting me know earlier but did comment on how I hadn't been in touch. I would have explained why, but it didn't seem the moment to go into it. I really wanted to go and see her as soon as she was well enough, but when I was going to suggest going to her parents she told me she wasn't there, but was staying with a friend to give her Mum a break. The next I head (end June) she was down near me and wanted to arrange to meet in early July. That failed to happen, but she said said she'd be back down at end July. I didn't hear any more. I sent texts, no answer. I got a circular email that said she was going to back to work and to say that she had been given the cancer all-clear. I texted and emailed but still no reply.
Now. I'm going up to London next weekend to see my mother: we're scattering my step-father's ashes. I've emailed A to say I'd love to try and meet her for a drink or if she'd like to join us at the scattering: she knew my step-father and it won't be too maudlin an affair. No answer. I'm thinking of sending her a text on Monday in case she didn't get my email, but otherwise I really think she's telling me something by not replying.
Thank you for getting this far, I know it's horribly long! What shall I do now? I know I've been a useless friend to her this year, but I've had my own stuff happening as well. I feel she's cutting me out. Is it a hopeless case? Should I just cut my losses? I don't want to lose this friend: I don't have that many and she's my oldest and dearest. Any thoughts appreciated.