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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It was two years ago tomorrow...

21 replies

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 20:45

that my daughter rang me in hysterics because she had read the note DH had left, telling her he loved her. I got home from work shortly after and read the one he had left me, telling me he had been having an affair for two years and had left for me the OW.

I wouldn't have got through it without MN. So if you remember me this is to say thank you to everyone who was so kind to me in the aftermath.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 20:46

left me for the OW, that is.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 20:46

How are things now? Are you happy? Did you manage to get over it? I know it takes time, and it is great that you manage to post again such a long time later.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/04/2011 20:48

I am so glad you got the support you needed.

tribpot · 28/04/2011 20:49

Nice to see you, Boilerwoman. Hope you are very healthy and happy now.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/04/2011 20:51

How are you both doing?

Two years - the time flies doesn't it x

Original poster

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 20:53

It's hard. It's very hard. I had thought by now I may be making progress - sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks though. I'm proud that the DC don't appear to have been too affected. I do wish I had someone in RL I could talk to now and again, but I don't.

I ended up needing treatment for CIN2 because I was infected with HPV. My last smear post-treatment was abnormal too and I am now waiting for further treatment. That' s a daily reminder too.

Sorry, that turned into a whingefest didn't it

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 28/04/2011 21:20

Bloody hell, that's not whingeing.

I'm gutted for you, Boilerwoman. Yes, it does take longer than you expect for all the crap to sort itself out in your head. When someone you trust has been systematically lying to you - and infecting you - it literally rocks your world.

Ease up on yourself. You're obviously doing great, so give yourself credit where you're due :) If it helps, keep posting - you're not alone.
x

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/04/2011 21:24

Boiler - it must be really hard not having someone to talk to IRL :( How come you haven't been posting on here with us?

Two years - hopefully that will be a turning point :)

What a bastard to give you that as well. He should be strung up.

How has he been with the kids?

...and no.... that's NOT a whingefest!

tribpot · 28/04/2011 21:27

Oh Boilerwoman, how difficult for you :( I hope you recover soon - what a horrible reminder of all that's happened.

Stay strong, and remember it's okay not to have moved on just because you feel you should have done by now. Could you have some counselling - both for the illness and the relationship problems?

Original poster

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 21:34

ah, Chipping. I have lurked a lot. I have wanted to post many many times but I have just always felt that I sounded SO self-pitying. I still feel like that now actually. I've read a lot of threads where people have been through similar but they have family or friends to turn to and I really don't have anyone. It's like I only have myself, if that makes any sense at all. On the Wednesday after he left I went to the GP for sleeping tablets because I was so desperate and I ended up crying in front of her - I still find remembering doing that intensely embarassing. It was only a few tears and then I pulled myself together but it was the fact that I had cried in front of someone.

The DC really do seem fine. Of course DD1 and DD2 are of an age where they will have their own take on what happened. The younger ones seem unaffected. I still have terrible feelings of abject failure.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 28/04/2011 21:51

It sounds like you're in need of some self-compassion, Boilerwoman. Did your upbringing teach you to not have needs?

seachange · 28/04/2011 21:54

Oh boilerwoman :( why don't you have anyone? Did you ever go for counselling? You should definitely post more, MN can be great for support and no one will think you are being self-indulgent.

greencaveman · 28/04/2011 21:59

You must not have feelings of abject failure - you didn't fail - your H did! He made the decision to have an affair. Even if there were marital problems, he should have chosen to tackle them rather than choosing to have an affair. The choice to have an affair really has nothing to do with you - it is a personal failing of H. You didn't fail at all so please don't think that at all. You kept your vows, he didn't.

And your GP will have seen people crying for the same reason many times. Justifiably. S/he will not be judging you for that (and if s/he does then they are a crap GP anyway!).

Original poster

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 22:00

very early on after he returned we went for counselling. I found it excruciatingly embarrassing. The first counsellor did not believe I had managed to cope alone after he left and kept pushing me to admit that I had leant on someone - I hadn't. I think that she meant I was not being truthful, or something. Then the DC came sdown with chickenpox and I got shingles, so the counselling was not uppermost in my mind. I really think that if it works for you, great. I am a hopeless case I think .

I have never really accepted needing anything to be honest. I think that I am so used to putting other people before myself that I genuinely can't put myself first now.

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Latteaddict · 28/04/2011 22:01

I remember you, and sorry to hear that you're still struggling with some things. It will get better, but I do also remember you as being very reluctant to ask for outside (rl?) help/support.

It really isn't self-pitying. It's you looking after yourself. I've been in a similar position, in that I was always a coper until my DH hit self-destruct. I've just spent quite a long time being fiercely "against" commitment and marriage, but realise now that I need to get myself sorted, because that's not the "real" me. But it's only really hit when DS and DH are beginning to miss the "me" that I was! And I'm spending so much energy mentally being the "new" me, that I don't have any mental reserves, and now see I can't cope properly!

Sorry to hear about your HPV, too (again, DH's partner had it, so I know I've been exposed, and am now on annual smears and trying not to think about it). From what I've read, it's slow to develop and very treatable, so hope things go well for you there.

I tend to lurk, but it might help you to post again, for a while, especially if you can't face rl counselling (did you get any?). But I do recommend counselling, very much.

Latteaddict · 28/04/2011 22:04

xposted.

It might be a good idea to look around for counsellors. DH had individual counselling and went to see a couple before he settled on one that would challenge him.

I've seen someone, more to offload to than anything. She's brilliant, gives me things to think about, and suggestions, and I also treat it as a "dumping" ground for all the negative stuff! I always feel better after seeing her, but do admit I've only had a few sessions when I've felt swamped with negative thoughts.

Original poster

Boilerwoman · 28/04/2011 22:08

See, i think I take after my mother. My dad died very suddenly and she was offered counselling to help her cope. I encouraged her to take it up. Her point was that it wouldn't change anything that had gone before.

I think a big part of me feels that. Talking about it won't help. I don't think it would help me to understand what happened, or why I have intimacy problems two years down the line, or anything.

Coming on here helps though. I'm going to try and post some more.

Why can't I ask for help? I mean can there be a reason for that, do you think?

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Latteaddict · 28/04/2011 22:23

Well, I think I find it hard because I've never had to before! And I've always been the one who supports others and would just launch myself at any challenge and not really expect or consider negatives, because I'd be so sure that I could find a positive somehow.

When DH did what he did, I spent a while trying to support DS, although I did leave DH to deal with himself mostly - we had separated. And I've always been pretty self-sufficient in many ways, quite independent as a teenager (not horribly!) but ok.

Most counsellors offer a free introductory session, so you can visit several. Perhaps viewing it as a "dumping" ground, rather than "I need help" might be a better angle for you? Like I say, my counsellor used to give me food for thought while I was offloading, it helped.

Latteaddict · 28/04/2011 22:24

And no, you can't change what has gone before. But you can learn to change the way that you view it and come to terms with it. So it loses it's power.

Latteaddict · 28/04/2011 22:26

A good counsellor will pick up on what you think is a random comment, go back to it, maybe crossreference it with something else you've said and gradually, sometimes subconsciously (I used to rattle through all sorts mentally on my drives home!) you'll pick up on things yourself and it will help you understand more.

garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 12:56

I think you've just brilliantly summarised what counselling's good for, Latte.

Boilerwoman, we're talking about 'you' counselling not couples counselling - which, in your case, sounds to have been worse than useless!

It looks as though you got your "stiff upper lip" from your mum
Thing is, that stiffness can be more of a hindrance than a help sometimes. Of course, talking about the past won't change it. But it does allow you to change the effects it has on you and, as Latte says, very often reduces past problems down to their proper size.

I'm happy to hear that posting is proving useful! Keep it up, and good luck :)

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