moving on.......how?

[iisbigmomma]

As the title says HOW do you move on?

My 'darling' fiance left us a few weeks ago after an anouncing he was unhappy, didn't know who he is anymore, doesnt like me, loves me like a friend, theres no spark etc..........and here I am trying to pick up the broken jigsaw with two little DS's (8+3)

I'm dying inside but trying to be strong for them......they will take their strength from me and all that jazz. Everything is crumbling around my feet and I'm just wondering how on earth do I move on from here?

Oh you poor thing. Of course you're dying inside - it's shit. Beyond shit. All I can tell you is that it won't always be shit, there will be a day when you feel better but that day is probably a long way off. Be kind to yourself - wallow and stamp and scream if you need to. Don't expect too much - you're in for the long haul.

Do you have much support - family, friends etc? Relate see people on their own - that might be useful for you - a good way to get some closure.

I have a few people close by but feel like they are already sick to death of hearing me cry. Closure would be great.

The pig is still refusing to talk to me properly. The kids are a mess and all he is interested in is buying new trainers. So blasted well frustrating!! Your right I'm in it for the long haul. These boys need me more than anything now.

My fiancé left me and our dc too. I am so sorry. We are a few weeks in it's really up and down. It's so tough. I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom.

Although I am struggling I do find reading other peoples experiences on mn helps me feel less alone. There are some amazing women here. I have called samaritans at my lowest points and cried things out. I find talking helps download a bit.
I find routine and keeping busy helps.
Planning ahead for the bank holiday was good when dc was visiting her grandparents. I met up with friends and really enjoyed myself somehow.
It's all so scary and I feel so alone at times.
But I have found the support of friends and family amazing and it has given me strength. I hope you have people to help you too.
I will keep watching the thread I hope more people come along soon.
Take care

Don't really have any advice except it DOES get better.

My H left last August after I found out about his affair (3 DC's) and I felt like my world had ended. I am in a much better place now and am a much stronger person. Just try get through a day at a time, I felt exactly like you re: friends in RL. Keep posting, the ladies on here are fab, I don't know what I would have done without them.

Take care x

Sillyflower I'm sorry that you are in the same position. Its truly truly horrible. I'm glad you have support. I think thats my problem.....I need to let people in. I'm finding I just don't know who to trust.

I think I'm still in shock. Been through every emotion under the sun. I've talked the ear off my poor mother and found myself in tears earlier when the neighbour asked after him. I feel so alone and out of control. His parents are visiting tomorrow and I'm really dreading it.

My 13 year relationship ended in Sept last year. He got engaged 9 weeks later. I have also been seeking out MN to see how other people are coping. I am finding it a help cos can feel very alone but it appears a lot of us are out there. My problem is I've become incredibly angry about the whole thing and know it can eat me up if I'm not careful. I also feel my friends surely must be sick of hearing about it all, my son is poorly too so it has made things very very stressful. I've decided to try and get some counseling so I've got legitimate time to rant and try and work through how I feel. I got all busy at the beginning and this worked as a distraction but now feel very low so can't imagine anyone would want my company particularly.
Men (some men) really do seem to be the most insensitive beings.
People say time will help and I have to go through all these emotions but it seems endless and I can't seem to get the strength to pull myself together.
Good luck big momma. I'll be interested to see what advise people give too.x

Above all else? Be Kind to Yourself. This is going to hurt, because it's a really shitty thing he did. It's unacceptable, unreasonable and utterly, utterly cruel.

MN is never fed up of hearing from people that need help, there is always someone here to give you a hug, listen, and hold your hand if you need it. Boot you up the behind too if that is required [cgrin]

I'm heartened to hear his parents are coming to see you though, that's good news I think, in that they are caring, normal, decent people. It will be hard, but it has to be, let it out if you need to, they ought to see what their son has done to the mother of their grand-children.

Anger is a phase you will go through, a split like this, the end of a relationship needs to be mourned. The loss of the past, the loss of the present and the future. In time it'll ease, keep talking to those that can help/listen, lean on MN as much as you need to, and contact RL counsellors if you think they can help.

Remember you didn't let your family down, you are the strong one, you can 'hack it', he is the wimp that can't. In time you will regain your strength, you will recover. He will always be the shit that walked out on his DC.

Hugs to you my dear, and to all those that are suffering similar.

Love to everyone that has found themselves in the same position. I can't believe that so many people are going through this along side me. In a way I don't feel so alone. Maybe we can all work through this together. A place to moan, rant, cry, get angry and maybe even one day laugh.
Well I've woken up today feeling like a complete failure. I've let my kids down and its killing me to see their pain. I'm angry at him because he has already detached himself from the situation by telling himself and everyone else I'm a good mother therefore the kids will be ok. Well seen he isn't the one that sings them to sleep so they stop crying. I've managed to get DS1 out to school after some tears n tantrums. Now I'm hiding in bed not wanting to face the world but for DS2 I must. I'm going to get up, put a face on and find something to do with the day.
Thinking of you all x

I am still in bed too! I have just been reading other posts about moving on. There is no quick fix is there?.
It seems the detachment they display is a normal and that the men leaving will do anything to justify what they are doing.
I have been called names. Blamed for making him leave etc. He has never been happy etc. All hurtful things to say but not true.
My ex had an EA too. So I know it wasn't me!
We tried counseling which made him more sure he wanted rid of me.
He has behaved terribly and is so ashamed. He stated that I am a good mum too and that he trusts me with dc. Which feels a bit like code for I don't want this family life anymore.....all devastating.
I am not yet able to move on yet as he is still living with us. But once finances are sorted and he has moved out I know things will be easier.
I am trying to look forward to the summer and being rid of all his misery and mean comments. Every now and then the thought of being free feels very exciting. I hope we can laugh together soon!
Anyway, have a good day.
Don't worry about crying to your friends and family. They are not bored and they are there to help you. Also I have found counseling really empowering when it is all too much. Go to your gp. I got referred really quickly.

iisbigmomma: this will pass, faster than you think. I promise.

It's only been a few weeks, please be kind to yourself. You haven't done this. You are the one the kids will remember for sticking around, for rising and upping your game to be there for them. History will show them who he is and what he has done to you all.

When their hurt has gone, they will resent him, perhaps even hate him for what he did to their mother.

It is utterly foul. Also been there, like so many others. It's indescribably painful and gut wrenching.

Sadly, I wonder if it's a sign of the times. It's been all too easy for XH to waltz off into the sunset without too many repercussions. OW has been absorbed into his family in my place (I got on very well with them, and still do), and his friends have carried on as normal. It's very hard to deal with the unfairness.

The only way you can really cope with it is to get on with your own life as much as possible. I wish I didn't have to see XH, but for the sake of the dc's we're always civil and even amicable most of the time. The hurt doesn't go away, but it diminishes, and it's really important not to become bitter so you can move on to have healthy relationships in future. I feel for you, the stage you're in is the worst, but it does pass.

Oh hun, my heart goes out to you. He really is a shit to do that. And yes, it feels like you're left to pick up the pieces. My H left me a week before our son was born (for OW - my friend) and close to 10 months on I am re-building my life.

My family have been invaluable, so lean on them and let them look after you. A few close friends have been amazing, counselling has helped too. It was the anxiety that caught me out - so I'd also recommend exercise, relaxation, getting outside, not drinking much alcohol and avoiding coffee!! My stomach has been like a washing machine for 10 months but everyone is different.

Take care of yourself, and try not to listen to that negative voice in your head. You are strong, you will get through this, you deserve the best and won't put up with anything less than that.
HUGS

Vitamin B complex tablets are good on anxiety. I also suffered with stress, and two years on it's reared up again a bit for some reason. Totally agree about the coffee, I had to give up caffeine as it was making me ill.

It also had a knock-on effect that I started losing my self-esteem in friendships too. I assumed that because XH didn't want to be with me, nobody else did either. I didn't realise what was happening at first, but can link it all back to the split. Now I'm aware of it, I feel better but it's a horrible feeling.

Vitamin B? really? fantastic, I'll try that then!

Self awareness, and policing/monitoring your feelings, is such a good habit to get into in these circumstances. I still suffer a twinge of anxiety and agoraphobia, general disquiet mostly, but I try to stop and analyse what I'm feeling and challenge it. It helps take the sting out of the tail and makes it all a bit more manageable.

We'll get there! [cgrin]

You are all making so much sense!! All these feelings I'm experiencing are normal.

Sillyflower - I've been treated in the same way, villified to the maximum and none of it is true but its making him able to justify things to himself. Thankfully people are seeing the lies now. In the first weeks they never but now others are experiencing it first hand. I agree on the 'code' for wanting out of family life - thats exactly how I feel i.e your good at it so you keep it up. I'll go do what I'm good at - drinking!! Makes my blood boil but shatters me at the same time. Moving on seems so far away - house to sell, finances to sort, which of course is all left to me.

HerHissyness - Thankyou for your kind words. I've already had comments such as 'I don't want to see him ever again mum' from my 8 year old. He is angry and hurting too. I'm very careful not to discuss anything to do with the situation in front of them as I want them to be free to make their own choices.

Carlywurly - Vitamin B is on my shopping list. Will be picking it up this afternoon. I think your right on the ball with the sign of the times. It makes me sick to think that this is becoming the 'norm' and that so many people are going through this day in day out.

Wilkoa - I'm gobsmaked!! I really am. Good on you for rebuilding your life. You are a credit to your self!! Anxiety is my issue. A diet of red bull and baby bells is not the way forward (my diet for the first two weeks) I've been a bag of nerves - thinking people are staring at me in the street, laughing, knowing my business. They don't but its my state of mind at the moment. So alcohol and caffeen are a big no no. Maybe the gut wrenching sickness will ease.

His dad came to visit yesterday. Such a lovely lovely man. He is distraught, we cried together for ages. Being a very devoted christian he feels deeply ashamed of his son. His mum cant face me which I understand. She gave me the 'you haven't been a good enough wife' 'your work has done this' etc chat when he first left. Now he is living at theirs she is seeing what I was living with first hand and her attitude has well and truly changed. They think he is heading for a break down of some sort - maybe he is?? I don't know but whilst he is refusing to talk to me and has left me in this shitty situation what on earth do they expect me to say. Anyways enough about all that.

I've managed till almost 1pm without crying so its a start.

Love and hugs to all you lovely ladies out there xx