Problem with his kids!!

[ferret41]

I am a regular but have namechanged for this out of sheer paranoia!!!
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He is amazing, kind and loving and I'm very very happy with him. .
We both have 2 dc each and he had his for a week in the Easter holidays which we all spent together. The problem is that his kids are awful. They are rude, badly behaved, whiny and aggressive. He is so soft with them and can't say no to anything because he only has them for limited periods of time and wants them to enjoy their time with him, which I understand, but they have used this to their advantage, as kids do and they manipulate him by playing him off against their Mum.
Now my kids aren't angels at all, but they have rules and boundaries and know what they can and can't get away with. I'm not over strict but I like them to have good manners and set limits to their behaviour. They know that if they ask for something and I say "No" then that is that, also they know that I won't put up with them hitting each other and swearing is absolutely not allowed. Apart from that I am quite easy going I think.
The root of the problem is that him and his ex wife absolutely hate each other and she uses the dc as a weapon to hurt him as much as she can whereas I get on quite well with my exH and we try to show a united front to the dc. So when mine play up I can tell him (or at least threaten to) and we both deal with it together. As soon as he tries to discipline his they threaten to tell their Mum.
He wants me to take the same 2 weeks off as him in the summer and spend the time together again, but I can't do it. I can handle every other weekend with them, but I can't spend 2 whole weeks with them and I can't put my dc through it either.
So where does that leave us in the future? Its ok now because we don't live together, but there will come a time when we will want move in together and I will have to put up with this all the time and I can't!

If you go away somewhere the DCs are probably more likely to behave better rather than feel like they can get away with murder if they're in their own home and you won't feel so put out if they would be at yours. Plus, they will see a holiday as a treat and there will be distractions and the "new place" excitement.

You could also put firm plans in place as a family before you go, sit down all together and say "Monday we'll do this, Tuesday we can visit X place" etc which will help the behaviour aspect. You and your DP should also agree on certain things eg. Bedtimes so you can have some time to relax just the two of you, daily budgets so the kids don't feel anyone is "getting more". Present this to your DP as wanting to ensure all of you have an equally enjoyable, relaxing a fun holiday.

In the long term, you need will need to have "that" conversation with him though. Good luck.

OP this is hard, but I don't understand why you feel it's not appropriate to have an open discussion with your partner.

relationships are about being open - and this is a major, major issue - probably the biggest issue you are going to face as a couple. Of course his childrens behaviour is your business - you will be involved in parenting these children and will be involved in caring for them. Their behaviour will impact on your own children.

the problem here seems to be that you cant discuss something so important with someone you are considering merging your family life with. If you cant talk openly, then no, it wont work. Better to be open now so that the issues can be resolved. Your partner needs help parenting - and without being overly controlling (ie. you are not, of course, their mother) =- you can help him if you are supportive.

its not the kids fault if they have been brought up like this - and sadly it sounds as though their father is not a very good or responsible parent - there is no point simply blaming their mother.

If you want this to work - its time to be open and honest - and perhaps tell him clearly that for now, while things are still being worked out, you dont want to spend long periods of time with them. thats one for you to decide thought - if you want to be involved in their parenting, you should perhaps spend more time with them as a family. Only you can know which path is best.

Why do so many people on here expect step-parents to be saints? I think you're in a very difficult position and hairylights is being unreasonably harsh. You're human and of course you're going to find it hard-going to watch his kids behaving in a way that you don't tolerate in your own.
You sound very fair and reasonable to me, but I'm afraid I don't have any answers to your dilemma, beyond some of the wise suggestions already offered by others.
I hope you can find a way through it.

i think if you want him to accept your kids you shd accept his kids too,is not fair on the kids.i do my best to decipline and set boundaries with my kids but sometimes they dont even listen when they are in a different environment,you just have to deal with it or leave the man as the kids will always be in his life.

Erm, How can you say you are ready to be a step parent?, you have only been seeing him as a BF for 8m.

You need to be honest with yourself and put YOUR DC before your sex life, if you can't blend these families successfully, it'll be a bloody nightmare.

Your own DC will be unhappy and resent you for setting boundaries when BF doesn't have what it takes to stand up to his own DC. They will not respect him when he asks them to do something if he won't do that with his own DC.

He needs to be able to sit his DC down and say 'No, rules are rules. Tell your mum if you like, but that's that.'

You need to tell him that if he can't do that, then there will be no holidays, there will be no extended visits to your home, it's too disruptive.

Slow down. It's WAY too early to be talking step-parent, and tbh, it's way too early to be blending families.

I agree with hissy , i think all this talk of blended familys and step parenting is way too premature . I do feel for you Op , but perahps slow down a little and see each other on your own , so you can date , go out and just enjoy some adult time without all the stress of the kids .

I personally couldnt be with someone who has to be told how to parent properly , or shrugs and rolls his eyes when faced with bad behaviour . If you do move in together , and hes still the same , somebody will have to put some boundrys down with these kids and that will probably end up being you , and youll likeley be resented for it .

If you are not able to accept him as he is i think you should come away , rather than spend the next few years seeing his potential and saying " if it wasnt for this issue " . This issue is a huge one , you are basicly not very compatible as parents , and while im sure its worth trying to work it out , i would set a rasonable time limit to expect to see some changes .

Ferret, I have been a step parent and at times, it was very difficult. I wonder if your partner agrees with the way in which you set boundaries with your children (what I mean is, whether he would follow your lead). If you sat down with him, and had a frank discussion about the way all the children behave, it might encourage him (and give him confidence) when dealing with his children when they are being scamps. It sounds to me like he is rather scared of his ex. I guess if he starts to say "well, ok tell your mother then but xyz will happen if you carry on" and follows it through, then yes the ex may well kick up but it's tough tits. Easier said than done I know. Good luck. x

HerHissyness - how dare you? How bloody dare you say I'm putting my sex life before my dc. You know nothing about me so how can you say something so nasty and downright untrue.

I agree that 8 months is early to be step parenting, in an ideal world I would have met him 20 years ago and we would be having our own dc together, but life isn't ideal. I have been a single parent for years and always put my dc first over everything and everyone.
I'm too angry and upset to post on here anymore, I've posted this in the step parenting thread and I think I'll stay on that thread from now on.

But thank you to those people who gave me constructive and helpful advice. I will take it all on board and deal with the problem before the summer holidays.
I just wanted to enjoy having a new relationship for a bit longer before having to think about how our 2 families will blend together in the future.

So is your relationship platonic then?

You are rushing this through, your DC are sat there being normally disciplined and his kids are running roughshod. You don't want to tackle it, cos not even your BF can, yet you are allowing use of your home for visits.

If your first thought were your DC, you'd not be mixing the kids after so little time.

Sorry, just the way I see it.

I think the issue here is his relationship with his kids, and his attitude towards parenting. For all those posters talking about "coming as a package", isn't it his responsibility as a parent to make that "package" as functional as possible? He's raising brats and making no attempt to mould them into socially functioning adults, by the sound of it, and I am sorry for you.

It isn't whether you're ready to be a step-parent that's the issue (why are we expected to be saints?), it's whether he's ready to be a better parent.

But ferrett you really do sound (in your posts, which is all we have to go on) as if you have your relationship with this man in priority position.

Honestly, based on what you've said, I'd suggest you keep it to you two only for the moment, as being around his children really doesn't seem to work for you, and it seems you and their Dad are unable to discuss and agree on parenting style/discipline while they are with you.

I can really see how some people think some of us are being harsh, but it has come across to me like you are more concerned with your relationship than really thinking sensibly about the future, which would inevitably, presumably, be as a blended family (albeit non resident).

FWIW I am a step-parent (to a now grown up DSD) and I know what it's like. Iw as in her life from age two - step parent from age four when her dad and I moved in together.

We had very different views from her mother sometimes (but would always back her, as the resident parent), and I disagreed on times with her father, but we talked about and discussed how we would parent when she was with us as a couple - compromised, and everyone was happy.

The MOST important thing if you want a meaningful long term relationship with this man (which you've stated you have) - is to work things through as an adults in a relationship whilst keeping the kids' best interests in focus.

It sounds very much like you are unable to do this as a couple.

How dare you come on an internet forum and then object to other people's opinions, which you've asked for?

What did you actually want people to suggest?

"I just wanted to enjoy having a new relationship for a bit longer before having to think about how our 2 families will blend together in the future"

keep the kids out of it then, until you are ready to take responsibility as a couple.

HerHissyness you are being out of order.

OP is clearly giving a lot of thought as to how this can work while making sure her kids aren't affected. It's not like OP and her DP moved in with each other after 6 months or anything. 8 months is a decent amount of time to have been together to start introducing the families to one another imo. Of course the children will be spending some time together after that amount of time.

Of course its not platonic but its about more than just sex and I am not putting it (or him) above my own dc. I am trying to make it work for all of us so that we can spend time together and all get along. That comment was just unnecessary and vile.
He knows his dc are badly behaved, his Mum and his brother and sister have all commented on it to him. He thinks he can't do anything about it, and it is hard when his ex is so obstructive and enjoys telling him when the dc haven't had a good time with him for whatever reason, that they don't want to come to him anymore.

Anyway I wish I'd never bothered to start this thread - I won't do it again!

I actually feel worse about things now than when I started it so thanks for that.

I dont get the rush to merge familys .

Im seeing someone who has children . As is often the case , he is a very differant parent to me , not a bad one , just differant , but the differances are so great that merging familes would be problematic , and besides , i dont want to . I want to enjoy dating , some adult time and fun , not tramping round the park with a load of kids who are falling out . Ive been seeing him a lot longer than 8 months , and it works well for us .

Its perfectly ok , and sometimes wiser , to just maintain an adult relationship instead of involving all the children .

it is very wearing to be with badly behaved children. if he is not parenting in a way that is similar in style to yours it is going to cause problems in a relationship. you know he comes as a package, so if you think you can not live with these children then perhaps you should consider whether he is the right man for you, nice as he is.

Its a shame you feel like that Ferret because youve had some good advice here from experienced step parents . Its not wrong of you to want to include the children any more than its wrong of me to not to want to .

What might be unrealistic of you though is thinking you can sort this single handedly or that its going to change . Hes already been told by his close family that his kids behaviour is a problem and hasnt done anything about it . You say YOU are trying to make it work , but whats he doing ? Its usually a mistake trying to change people , you have to accept them as they are .

If my P didnt have children we possibly might live together , but he has , and that changes things . Im well aware of the difficultys we would face , and im smart enough to know step parenting isnt for me . Instead we enjoy our time together , time apart with our perspective children , we sort of have the best of both worlds really .

Thanks Diggs i have had some good advice and had more from the step parents board too, which is probably where I should have posted originally.
I have never said or implied that this relationship is my priority over my dc. If they didn't get on with my bf or his kids I would end it as they always come first.
I can take criticism and I agree we need to communicate better about things, but I am deeply offended to be told that I am putting my boyfriend and my sex life above my kids. Thats a horrible accusation and something I will never do.

Its a relatively new relationship and very early to have introduced a new partner nevermind spend holidays together.

You need to work together re the children, they are his blood and just children. If you dont like them then you should let your partner truly know how you feel before it gets any further and before the children end up confused with different adults in their lives.

i agree with HerHissyness.alsoyou cant say his ex is mean minded bcos you dnt kmw her well and he maybe saying evil things abt her that are all lies,how would you feelif your ex partner doesnt like your kids?sorry but i feel like you are being selfish

I think maybe help him see that no disciplining his children at all isn't the answer. He needs to find a way to do it that his ex won't get hugely annoyed about so no smacking. The kids need to learn that they can't just threaten to tell their mum and get away with everything. He is in a difficult position though as I suppose the threat is that if he disciplines the kids and they tell their mum then she might stop him seeing them.

How old are they?

OP, I think you've been treated a bit unfairly on this board.

Your DP comes with children. That is the package. If they are horrid brats and he cannot manage them properly then you really need to decide if he is the man for you. You could try to help him see the light but if it was important to him he would be trying to do something about it already. It obviously bothers you far more than it does him.

In relationships, it is important to be singing from the hymn book on pretty much everything otherwise you are going to be in for a very bumpy ride. Having been on both sides of the fence I know where I would rather be myself.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

da55 - if you read the whole post you will see that I already said I do know her. I didn't say I don't like his kids, I do, I just don't like the way they behave.
I have taken all the constructive comments on board and I do still want to be with him, and I'm sorry but 8 months is not too soon to introduce dc in my opinion. They are an important part of both of our lives and we introduced them when we both felt they were ready.
The dc themselves all get along great as boys that age usually do, they have a lot in common and play nicely together. The only problem is how I feel about the way they behave, which we will sort out in time I'm sure.
There is a lot of people on here projecting their own stories on to mine, and judging me basedon what has happened to them which is not fair.