Sick and fed up of this

[Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy]

Please can I have a rant......

I am tired of being moaned at day and night by my husband ad this evening as usual he is in a 'I'm not speaking to you mood and I'm not telling you why'
So I prompt for more answers and in the end he says he is sick of the place being such a mess. This morning he got up in a fowl mood went into the kitchen and started tutting,sighing and giving me the silent treatment.
I have one 2 year old and am nearly 4 months pregnant and end up on the sofa most nights because of these moods or his snoring (not sure which is worse!) I dont usually say anything and just take it on the chin, although inside I feel almost guilty for not doing whatever it is he is moaning about.
I spend most of the day shopping for food,cleaning and tidying up and I would say our place is pretty clean. I try my best and it seems all I do is that.
I feel on edge so much of the time, I can't relax properly or sit down. I never go out and my only company here is my 2 year old. I guess I feel isolated as my family live a long way from us.
I know I am pregnant but this has been going on from long before so its not just my hormones or a temporary thing. I get the blame for everything that goes wrong or is not to his liking and Often I just feel like I am a pain in the butt to him. There is not really any love and affection anymore. He never does anything for special days and its always up to me to initiate any celebration. He has taken our daughter out about twice this year and he never has time to do stuff as a family. I never have a break from my daughter as he is always busy so it is always up to me to take her out.
How much can a woman take or how much should a woman take in when it comes to marriage. I have often contemplated the situation but have no idea how I would cope otherwise financially and without support.

I knew the answer to my question, tbh

Individual counselling is an excellent idea, love

Have a read of cycle of abuse to explain the nice/nasty routine

He is following a well-defined script, one of an abuser

I noticed you mentioned your travelling and studies on another thread. Is this what you imagined your life would come to, as a confident and sassy young woman ?

because of one man you are brought so low ? Please, rediscover your fire and your self-respect

you could do much better than a life like this, and give your children a better example to follow than the current one

He is a classic emotional abuser. I was in a relationship with someone like your dh for a good part of seven years. Like you I had tried so hard to please him including even altering my dress sense. One day I just realised that I had had enough and slowly started to regain control and assertiveness. Once he realised this he tried everything, buying me things, cleaning the house, listening to me , basically everything I used to moan about.

BUT

This time I was ready for him as had been there done that. I refused to be taken in again by his charm and believe me he tried. He cried like a newborn baby too, threatened suicide etc but I actually found it all pathetic and sickening. I realised what a master manipulator he was because each time I threatened to leave he followed the same script. I lived with him for six months after my lightbulb moment and eventually found the courage to pack all his things and dump them outside the flat.

Sorry to hijack but I just wanted you to see that the problem is not you but him. You are never going to change him, he might change for a while but will always revert to the bullying and manipulating and hence the vicious cycle will never end until you put a stop to it. Fwiw my mum is in a relationship like yours and it breaks my heart

DOn't bother with couple-counselling. ANy couple-counsellor who will see the two of you together for more than one session would be incompetent because couple-counselling doesn;t work when the man is abusive so good couple-counsellors recognise this, state that they know there is abuse occurring and refuse to see the couple together.
Counselling for yourself is not a bad idea as it will give you the strength and support to get rid of this man.
Because, sorry, there is no hope for this relationship. This is a man who sees women as property servants or pets - not human beings - and that attitude is pretty much impossible to change. His complaints are not about whatever the actual thing he comments on is - they are about constatly putting you in your place and making you accept that he is your owner.
Women's AId will give you all the advice and support you need, your family and friends will rally round and help you, and you do not have to live like this any longer.

Royal - thanks for your imput. Its true, I used to be so independant and love my work and travel etc. I would love my children to be the same,have some spark in them. But you are right, It almost as if it has been sucked away. I am glad I did it before I had children and got married but would love to do it again once the kids have grown up. I did not imagine my life to become like this, I imagined at least I would be with someone who actually loved me.Thanks feisty for your story, it makes me feel there is some hope out there and maybe I do need to start changes.
I find it interestin how all of you on here have pretty much the same opinion. Its very hard to get a clear view when you are on the inside. Thanks so much.I dont know how I am going to do it but at least I need to be happy. If that means struggling with money for a while,maybe its for the best.

Royal was just reading the cycle of abuse thing and it nearly made me cry. (hormones as well!)

It is going to be very hard, and if you look at the entirety of what you have to do, you will stay frozen

take one step today (or preferably two)

1. confide in a family member/close friend about what really goes on behind your closed doors

2. make an appt with your GP, tell him/her how you are feeling and request some counselling to explore how you have stood by and let a man bring you so low

From small steps, you can do it. Many, many women have. Don't be one of those women who stays because they fear being on their own. You have it in you to change your life.

Will you keep us posted ?

Post on Lone parents, those ladies are fab.

X-posted, I am sorry you are crying. That cycle of abuse is like reading a script isn't it ? He is following that script, and so are you, if you don't start taking steps to break out of it x

Don't be a bit-part player in the story of his life

Don't, for the love of all things, go for counselling as a means to be able to withstand this!

I know where my X is, otherwise I'd worry you'd got him

I'm out of my abusive situation, sure it's not that easy, but it's a darn sight better than being in that cancerous mire of a relationship. Where you are devalued from the moment your eyes open to the moment they close.

This is not a 'I wonder if the grass is greener' situation, this is a HOW COULD IT NOT BE ANY BETTER? Seriously, how could it possibly be worse than how you are living right now?

he does JACK SHIT for you, for his children. If he wasn't there you wouldn't be criticised, belittled, and you would sleep better! You will get help from the state to get a roof over your head and a small income, PLUS he has a responsibility to pay to help keep his DC.

Was he always like this or did it ramp up each time your were PG? he's got you trapped, you need to get out, seriously, you do.

Please don't live like this. I welled up myself reading your story, yes it did bring unhappy memories back for me too, but I stopped myself and looked around and realised that He is NOT here anymore, I am Free!

I will stop badgering for a bit now and let others speak.

You have some very hard thinking to do x

ah, goody, HerHissyness is here

will be back later x

Love the bit part player analogy,RF, but actually it's not that prominent a role.

Think the Scene-Shifters - the ones dressed in black that you don't see, but that get the stage ready for his next big scene... that's more like it.

Wives/Partners of abusive men like this don't actually exist in our own entity.

I'm most of the way through Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

I was scared to read it for ages, scared of it telling me stuff that I would find scary. But tbh, he's telling me stuff I already know. None of what is in the book comes as a shock to me at all, merely joins up all the dots.

Now I KNOW that all the negative poison heaped upon me was HIS POISON and nothing to do with me. Now I can honestly say I let that crap roll off me like water off a ducks back. I don't doubt myself any more, none of his comments do lasting damage. Those that smart a bit, I come on here, ask someone on a pertinent thread and they all put me damned straight.

It's so liberating finding that you are actually RIGHT! Scary for the abusive ex though, so be prepared for some weird shit panic reactions when you start so say Erm, No, that's not right, or That doesn't work for me. AND YOU WILL!

Your journey starts today love, we'll be with you every step of the way.

Dear Bears,

I was very reluctant to reply as it is bringing back such horrible memories but, as I have gained so much since joining MN, here goes!

I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world when I met XP! He seemed to be totally in love and praised everything that I did; he said that he could not bear to live without me and even asked if we could make a suicide pact so that we would never be apart (how sick was that?). All was fine and we were very happy.

I moved in with him (at his suggestion) after about 18 months and then found that he was totally addicted to porn on the net. It ruled his life and became a huge bone of contention between us! He said he could not give it up. He also groomed me (only realise this with hindsight) to carry out his sexual fantasy.

I became very unhappy but so was he; I even suggested that he went to a professional dominatrix as I could not fulfil his wishes. We stayed together for another 8 years but, quite frankly, I was unhappy for the last few years. He stopped accompanying me anywhere and became very highly critical of everything that I did, eventually refusing to speak to me, wouldn't eat anything that I had cooked and completely withdrew into himself.

We had a business together and eventually he lost all interest in that and was putting me down in front of clients and friends. I suspected that he was seeing someone else and, twice in 2008, I told him that I was not happy and wanted to leave. Each time he said that he loved me and did not want me to go. Still don't understand this as he clearly did not care for me and nothing improved!

Things came to a head in December, 2009. He locked me out and ordered me to leave, physically manhandled me and tried to push me out into the street. That was the last straw for me and we finally broke up. However, he was still giving me mixed messages and saying that he loved me but couldn't live with me and that I was one of the nicest people he had ever met.

Found out on March 1st this year that he has been with another woman for five years!!! He said they're very happy together.

Don't know if this helps you but feel better for getting it off my chest! Hope that everything works out well for you.

oh maundy.... you poor love!

I can tick some, most, of the above boxes there too! Now you look at it, you can see the red flags a mile off, but back then...

You were right though, your intuition was bang on! Even if you did get taken in, pat yourself on the back for having had the signs jump out at you, and even though you didn't manage to leave when you said you wanted to (these buggers are very persuasive) you are out now. They can't bear the thought of losing control over you. Their insecurity needs feeding. Have you read Why Does He Do That? It's very good!

Means to an end, and you are now free love!

Sorry you are going through this Bears

Listen to the advice on here. This is already emotional abuse.

It's never easy to get out of a situation like this, especailly when there are child(ren) to consider.

Nothing in your posts about him makes me think that there is anything to save if you see what I mean.

I've been where you are too. Without children at the time, but still. The silent treatment is soul destroying.

You will tear yourself apart trying to second guess 'what it is you've done this time'

Take the control away from him. Stop asking him what's wrong.

Sorry, I had to get out to the shops.Maundy I'm sorry to hear your story. I'm glad you got out though,thats an inspiration! Lots of hugs, I owe you! Herhissyness thankyou, I' m not if it gets worse when I am pregnant but last time I know I was upset a lot of times during my pregnancy and after the baby was born when he told me he didnt want any more children and I got little support around that time!
Mouseface its just like that. I wonder constantly. Its degrading too. He is being really nice the pm though and bought me back some maltesers! It is very frustrating. I think I need to get me a councelling session for myself set up though or at least talk to someone about it in person.

yes you do

please explore why him bringing you a 60pence bag of maltesers is offsetting his cruelty towards you

He does the nice to keep you hooked and think 'if only it was like this all the time, there's hope, he loves me underneath it all' - but I bet it never lasts long.

Just long enough to give you hope.

Hi Bears

Is there any chance you could get a part time job - even a temp one given that you are pregnant again? I say this because it sounds to me like you need to regain some of your independence and self-esteem, and it will give you a chance to make some new relationships aside from him.

It does sound as though there is something quite wrong, but you're not going to be able to fix (or move on) by waiting for your H to change.

Have you pointed out to him that he doesn't do anything either? Sounds like you're working much harder than him - even if you're not earning hard cash.

Roadrunner if only I could. I would love to. Its been a bit of a problem this far because child care is so expensive in London and it would literally take all my wages just to pay for it but I can see what you mean. There are so many things I would love to do. I used to play uite a bit of music and would have liked to join a band or choir - just something. But because he often doesnt get home until late I never get a chance to. I just need something even one night a week for me to get away from it.
He went for an interview today (although he still has a job) for a new role and he has also just told me (while I have been writing this) that it is going to require even longer hours! It has been a bit better since we moved a bit closer but it is not unusual for him to come in at 10 even 11pm from work. That has obviously also caused some problems and he knows that. (maybe this is the reason for the maltesers which I am proud to say I have not had any of and have put them away in the cupboard for another day!! :)

childcare is a bit of a nightmare in London. Not there any more but can remember how pricey it is. Does H work weekends too? Any chance he could look after your daughter then? I know you say he doesn't give you a break but unless he's really useless or abusive it would probably be good for him too. (I went through a similar phase with my P actually when my daughter was the same age and it all got a bit tense and mis.)

Alternatively, can you meet some mums locally who could do reciprocal babysitting/childcare during the week?

Look, even if you manage to get him to agree to you going out at least one night a week, he might do what my ex did and phoned the pub I was in (at charity amateur dramatic meetings) with the flimsyest of excuses to check up on me.
So embarressing!

He also 'went off' me during pregnance which I have since learned through counselling that it is a powere and control thing.

This job with more hours sounds like a practice for being a lone parent, sort yourself out with counselling for yourself and move out.

Hi Bears! Wonder how you are feeling now? I hope that you have gained from all the comments and advice and wish you well.

Also, would like to thank MilkandWine and HerHissyness for their comments.

You have to try and stay strong; not easy I know but don't be ground down by someone who is trying to control you!

With very best wishes

Roadrunner, he doesnt go into the office at weekends but he spends all weekend working. It is another problem here that he never has any time to spend with us including weekends and his work is his first priority. mamas, I can imagine he wouldnt like it too. did he come back after he left you ?
Thankyou Maundy, I am feeling pretty much the same tbh - just pretty down and depressed about it all. I know there is more to life than this. I honestly dont think this marriage is going anywhere soon. I am just wondering whether to try ad stay it out until after the birth. Thanks x

Dear Bears,
Been following your thread and a couple of others about emotional abuse. You ask when other women knew it was time to get out and if we later regretted it? I stayed for 22 years and only got out when I couldn't even boil an egg without shaking-I was a nervous wreck and had not realised how, over the years, I had changed from an Independant woman who loved life to an isolated SAHM who believed it was normal to be criticised daily.
When I finally got out it was very hard financially but for the first time in a long whille I started to breath easily, not dread ex coming home or being put down. Two years later, its still financially difficult but I am so thankful I regained my life. My dc know a happier, stronger mum and I can look at myself in the mirror.
I have 3 wonderful dc and each time I said after the birth, after first years etc I will get out-start to make plans to leave, you deserve better.