Splitting up and moving on

[feckymcfeckedoff]

I've been on here a couple of times complaining about me and the family feeling second best to (soon to be Ex) DP's love of football and beer.

I FEEL like I've tried to sort it out with him over the past 8 to 12 months, asking him to discuss it, writing a letter, asking him to leave, going to a Counsellor, him leaving to get some head space, but over the last wee while it has escalated beyond all reason as I maintain he spends too much time/money/effort pursuing his interests and not enough (time and effort mostly, money isn't the issue) on the family or me (we have a two year old) and he thinks I'm talking out of my hat and that his behaviour is perfectly reasonable.

For what it's worth his friends and family have agreed with me. I know I shouldn't have asked for their opinions, and he has accused me of bad mouthing him to them, but I was trying to reassure myself that I wasn't losing the plot and get some recognition of the situation that I was in (by proxy IYSWIM)

I can no longer contain my frustration and desperation and have turned into a complete harpy, which I am not proud about. It's got so bad that he now feels he is being the reasonable one... wtf!

Ok, so it's time to cut to the chase. How do I

a)come to terms with the fact that the man I used to love thinks I'm a nagging nut job who always has to have things my way?
b) lessen the impact of the changes on our PFB who we both adore
c) accept that he is never going to change his opinion and that I tried my best

I'm fine with all the practical issues of separating, housing, bills, etc (it won't be easy but will work out) and when I'm not around him I'm fine, it's just when he is around I feel an overwhelming need to seek vindication from him that he has caused the problems.

Has anyone been there, sorted it, and come out the other side?

Oh yes!!!!! Are you married to my ex husband? . It sounds exactly the same. I put up with being at the end of the priority list of football, beer, mates, family, daughter and then me for 10 years until one day I woke up and realised I really didn't like the harpy he was forcing me to be... Went through all the same conversations and might as well have been banging my head on a wall. So I kicked him out and it was the BEST THING I EVER DID!!!!

We had 6 months of hell arguing over money and sorting out the practicalities (during which he still went to every home and away match!) and then I was free. Felt like a massive weight off me. that was 7 years ago. I am now a thousand times happier. I have a new life. So does he (complete with new wife, new kids and all closer to home and his beloved team). We are actually quite friendly now (although I can not even imagine what I saw in him).

He never accepted he was in the wrong (despite running up huge bills on his creditcards which I had to pay off, and leaving me on my own at Xmas and New Year to go to football), and I am sure to this day thinks it was all me...

Forget getting him to admit you're right. You are! end of. More fool him if his priorities are that far out of whack. Kick him out, make a new start, he won't change (none of us ever do). You deserve better!

Iloveshoes - hurray! Your post has really cheered me up! Although might be a different XDP as mine 'only' goes to all the home fixtures .

Yes, New Year's Day, ah yes,...he left us over in Ireland (with friends and family which wasn't so bad, in fact I was relieved) to go to his beloved team's match and didn't think that was in anyway selfish.

I know I am right, although he was great in many respects wee things that I knew were just, you know, wrong keep popping in to my head and in between exasperation I feel pleased that I'll not have to put up with it any more.

Apparently I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, but not quite good enough to change anything for.

All sounds terribly familiar. I too was the best thing that ever happened to him... or perhaps that was winning the FA Cup .

You're well rid. If you ever feel you need someone to talk to just message me. I'm sure I can beat any of your's bad behaviour with one of mine. .

Did I mention he missed his daughters 1st birthday because he had to be at Wembley?!

Oh God No!!! Were you married to Paul Gascoine?!! You're starting to make me feel that mine was a walk in the park in comparison...although the DD's birthday hasn't fallen on a derby...yet.

It's when you start thinking if this was happening to a pal of mine I'd be telling them to seriously consider their position that the inevitability of it all starts to sink in.

Ta for the message offer too, I've been trying to rotate calls to my friends so as not to wear their ears and patience out

Pail Gascoigne would have been an improvement . Ah well, live and learn. I wouldn't be where I am now without that part of my life so it all worked out in the end. He wasn't a bad lad, just totally wrong for me (and I choose him so partly my fault). He just needed a much more tolerant (or football mad) wife...

You're right. When every one of my friends (and his sister) said "kick him into touch" I knew I was kidding myself.

Now I'm happier, he's happier... The world is a better place.
Good luck with it. Shout if a totally unbiased outsider can help.