Need help with relationship with adult son

[ialo]

Have namechanged for this as I don't want to be identified

My ds is 20 and is at university at the moment. His opinion of both me and DH has become so negative since he went there. He feels that we were never interested in him and that DH just used him in helping to engage his own hobbies. I don't understand what more we could have done for him we sent to a very good private school and always encouraged him to get on in life. He says that his upbringing was boring and that we never made any effort to engage with him or his interests and that we instead pursued our own (I do accept that there is a degree of truth particulary regarding DH). He also spent a lot of time in after school care when he was younger (primary school) because we both worked full time and he seems to really resent this and uses this as a weapon. When he gets going he is really venomous and says that we used to bully and push him around in to doing what we wanted and creating the illusion of the perfect family.
I accept that we weren't/ aren't perfect and that we have our flaws as both people and parents and that we have made mistakes but I find it really upsetting as I love him very dearly as does DH and I can feel our relationship getting worse and worse. Sorry if this appears rambly or incoherent but I find it upsetting to write about

Hi, there was a similar post here before..not sure if it was you or just a similar situation. Just thought if it wasn't you could search and see the feedback. Think it was a mother's day post.

Are you having these debates when your son is home or is this via email/phone etc? Just wondered as I imagine it would be best to have discussions face to face.
Firstly I think you just need to listen to him - as hard as it is, let him talk about his feelings. He's entitled to his feelings and from his perception his feelings are real - even if you don't remember it as such. All you can do is reassure him that you are sad he's feeling like this - whilst the temptation is to justify and defend you must resist that. You can't change the past but you can promise him that you will try to build a better relationship with him in the future. Ask him what he would like from your relationship in future.

Is there anything else going on for him at the moment, is he happy in Uni?
It could be that's he's feeling very unhappy at present at that is causing him to reflect on his childhood.
If you feel he needs help offer counselling, it might be helpful to him to have someone to talk to - who is outside of the family.

Whilst I know it's not easy to hear - he is talking to you so keep the communication channels open and let him know you are actively listening.
Good luck - who said parenting gets easier when they are older!!

If it helps, when my children went to uni, the 1st time or 2 they came back they were really difficult. They didn't express it verbally (thank goodness) but obviously found us wanting. It passed over after that, though, andwe were back to normal.
It seemed as though they were finding it difficult being back with us, in the child role, and being independent.
Anyway, I hope this improves, it sounds horrible.

We're having them as he is back with us for the easter holidays although he will be go back to university on Friday. I have asked him about what he would like in a relationship in the future and he says he doesn't see the point in having one as all we do is remind him about how miserable his childhood was. I do try to listen to him as much as possible.
He is happy at university as far as I know but he reveals very little to us.

he sounds very confused and a bit immature TBH. I would talk as openly as you can just tell him that you know you are not perfect but you do love him and even if he cant see a relationship with you in the future, you can, you will always love him and if he decides he wants you back in his life then you will be there. TBH that is all you can do.

Did you feel your relationship with your son was fine until he went to Uni? I certainly did! It turned out DD was very unhappy with her choice of course, and the social aspect became far more important than why she was actually there. She also revealed very little which should have set the alarm bells ringing. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Sometimes both parents have to work. Both mine did because they needed the money. DH and I do because we need a second wage. It was never analysed the way it is now when I was a child. You just accepted it and got on with things.

We all do the best we can for our DC and they are mostly ungrateful. I agree with the poster who said it doesn't get easier when they become 'adults'. DD was a dream until she went to Uni

Your post seems very focussed on his education/future prospects rather than whether he is/was happy, in my opinion you can have all the qualifications in the world but if you are not happy then it doesn't matter a jot. You also appear defensive which will probably go down like a lead balloon. The best thing you can do in my opinion is to try and almost build a new relationship from scratch with him.

I agree with the previous poster on this. My parents showed little or no interest in what actually interested us as teenagers and imo an excessive interest in us conforming to the whole middle-class ideal. That backfired very badly on them in the case of one of my siblings and from this experience, I'd say it's extremely important that parents invest a lot of time communicating with children about their interests, feelings etc even if not totally on the same wavelength. It's a real mistake to see a kid as someone who will go thru the motions you want him to go thru, ie, get the qualifications, get the job etc etc without making a proper effort to relate to that child/teenager as a person.

I think you really need to ask yourself hard questions about the things he's said to you cos it clearly didn't come out of nowhere. As others have said, acknowledge fully what he's said and admit to it if it's the case he's right. If you want to move your relationship with him on to a better place, you need to swallow your pride and do this first.

I agree with the above 2 posts the OP appears obsessed with the progression through life without considering the feelings and now the chickens have come home to roost. Qualifications can't bring you happiness and if he has had his feeling downtrodden for several years then there may be no way back.

Hi Ialo

I?m having similar situation at the moment, my DS 19 just decided not to continue with his study. Like your son he accused me pushing him to much and not allowing him to make a mistake. I thought he was ok at Uni as he didn?t say much. But later he revealed he was unhappy and decided he needs to find his own passion by himself. Please check if he is happy there and just listen even if the accusation is hard to take.

I know nothing about this subject but....

He's probably trying to find his place in life the universe and everything.
He probably wants you to validate his feelings.
His feelings will probably change in ten years or so to deciding you were actually ok parents.
He might also be unhappy or struggling at uni and focusing his feelings on you, to see if you push him away or listen to him.

Talking and listening without judging are definitely the way forward....

Do not despair ialo! DS had his gap-year,travelling ,for most of last year. Whilst he was away he sent me lovely,lengthy, e-mails every week,detailing his great adventures.
Come September,and Uni,there was barely a grunt from him. He'd chosen the wrong course,he felt,despite us having tried to point him in another direction. He was bored, didn't like his halls,the people....etc. Suddenly,he was out of his comfort zone,and it,illogically,was all my fault.
I think that going to Uni strips away the last vestiges of childhood,and since then DS has realised that his choices are his own,starting with selecting his accommodation for next year. He's really knuckled down now ,and our relationship is back on track. I'd keep conversation as light as possible,and yes,listen.