Should I have put the bins out?

[LittleEasterHouse]

Went round to family home this morning where ExH and older teen DC are living. I moved out 7 months ago. Ex never pulled his weight, is domestic slob and house is a mess. There is a cleaner but she is sick. DC are taking exams and haven't time to do all the chores.
I dropped off dry cleaning for DD1 and noticed the bins hadn't been put out again (four weeks now). I was tempted to wheel them out, but resisted.

It was a recycling day not festering black bins. No-one will be harmed if green bins overflow.

Was I being petty? Should I have taken them out to help DC? Or is that just enabling ExH again? Last week he was away and I helped DD2 clean up because she was so stressed by the dirt.

What should I do? I feel bad for DC putting up with it when I couldn't bear it any longer. Should I invite them to stay with me during exam season? I live 500 yards down the road.

Why are they not living with you anyway? Sorry to be nosy.

It takes a matter of minutes to put bins out. No, I would not have done it.

If you want them to stay with you, then ask, but seriously, they are old enough to wheel out a few bins, surely?

does it matter Exit?
i wouldn't have left them out. it's their business. if you do it then they will see no reason for them ever to do it.

I only asked as presumably there is a good reason why the teen DC are living with this slob. Maybe the Op doesn't have room for them - I don't know. I cannot imagine why anyone would think it acceptable for their DCs to be living in those conditions with exams coming up, so yes, have them to live with you.

Not your house = not your job.

No you shouldn't have.

Teenagers can do chores too, no?

I wouldn't have done it. You've got enough to look after at your own house, and you do enough of that, don't you?

Hi Exit that is a very reasonable question. When we discussed separating I was the one who was unhappy and wanted out (for many reasons). DH refused to consider leaving the family home. The DC are settled and have their own rooms, routine etc.

So I moved to a tiny house down the road for six months. Two months ago I found a delightful house with room for them as well and have moved again. They have been to stay occasionally but generally just drop in and out for meals, drinks, chat etc.

Since I left all of them have started pulling their weight, sharing cooking and shopping. DD2 is the main one who notices mess and tries to clean and feels responsible. I have tried to get exH to book the cleaner twice a week if only to help her out, but he thinks it is unnecessary. (Could easily afford it).

I am sad that we created a household where everything was my responsibility and I got ground down by it. My new home is tidy, easily cleaned and stays nice.

But the DC haven't learned a very good way to run a home. All my ranting and rotas failed and only walking out made any difference.

I think when they have all left home exH will become one of those people you see on How Clean is Your House. But that will be his choice.

Aargh!

I would have put the bins out ..but then I'm kind like that

This is a difficult one. Not the bin you were right not to put them out but the rest.

I can understand how you got fed up of being the family drudge and ended up leaving but how old is your DD2? It is not fair for her to have become responsible for the household cleaning. Your ex is a selfish wanker allowing her to be. You need to stop helping her and enabling your ex to carry on like this.

If she gets upset point out that she is welcome to move into your nice, clean, tidy house with you but she choses to stay there and although you love her and care for her it is not your responsibility.

Otherwise despite moving out you are still going to be drudging for him indirectly until she moves out.

Tough love I am afraid is all I can suggest.

You may have saved yourself and your own sanity, but your ex is preparing your lovely DD for a lifetime of drudgery.

Very true. DD2 is 18 and will be leaving for Uni in September I hope.

I think I will have another talk to ExH about not leaving it all to her while she does exams, and invite her to stay "to revise".

Thanks for input everybody. I am genuinely torn about how to help the DC best. DS needs a bit of retraining too...

no, you shouldn't have put the bins out

I would say to her, "Why don't you come back with me and do your work there for the next few months. I'll look after you and give you time to do your work."

It's just not fair that she is their drudge.

I think you should have. The kids are kids....he is not doing a good job. It's not much skin off to put the bins out is it? You already have your own nice space. Why not help your DC to have a nice space too?