Inter-family social class

[Bennifer]

I wondered if anyone had any experiences with what I would call an inter-family social class problem. In our family a rift has developed which I think falls along class lines. I was chatting with a friend this weekend, and although he hadn't thought of it like this, but on reflection, it has caused problems in his family.

In my family (my two parents, and me and my brother plus young children), there's a tension that occurs between my brother and the rest of us. I've come to the conclusion that's it's largely to do with class. We're (lower) middle class and he's working class. Let me explain. It's nothing to do with his job or his money (he has more money than me, although only marginally), but to do with attitudes.

I would describe my attitude as someone who reads books, eats healthily, occasionally goes to the theatre, exercises, goes cycling, etc. (as a disclaimer, I know these activities on their own don't make someone middle class, but overall, there's a correlation between that kind of lifestyle and class). I want to stress we're not aristos, going to the ballet or the opera every week. On the other hand, my brother and his partner eat less healthily, are overweight, don't exercise, don't read books, go to sporting events like speedway and darts.

It seems that this almost colours everything in our relationship, between what we talk about, what we do when we meet up, and an assumption (not entirely false perception) that one way of life is better than the other.

I'm fully expecting some responses to be dismissive (how could we be so horrible?), and some may think that social class either doesn't matter (although I suspect that most families would broadly call themselves the same social class, and when we see marriages, many people, if not most, inter-marry in a class sense) , or doesn't exist (I think this is definitely not the case).

Another perspective would be that it doesn't matter, as long as someone's happy, which I agree with to an extent, but it's difficult not to have expectations of a general form of life for your close family.

basic jobs ? Nice.

Interesting thread - my parents have recently come to the same conclusion about class difference between siblings. My sister and I have always had an uneasy gap between our perspectives on life - very similar to you and your brother, Bennifer - and she sees my cultural and social interests as 'pretentious'. She is a keenly intelligent woman and a high-achiever at work but I think she deliberately dumbs down in many areas of her life so as not to alienate her social circle.

We both married several years ago and this seems to be when we really 'split' and our relationship has gradually deteriorated ever since. I didn't realise it at the time but I suppose you could say that I got Mr Darcy and she got Mr Collins, IYSWIM. My marriage has changed me more than I would have expected. I daresay a stranger who was given details of my income, housing, childrens' school etc wouldn't hesitate to slot me into the middle or even upper middle class, whereas ten years ago, judged on the same details, I would have been designated working class.

I am quite upset that there has been genuine animosity (and a good deal of silence) between us. My parents, especially mum, think it the problems are down to class differences. It may not be quite so simple as that but a lot of Bennifer's specific comments on lifestyle choices/judgements really strike a chord with me.

How saddened I am to see that there are some in our society that feel the need to categorise themselves and those around them by some outdated "class" system.

Real class (not based on wealth or accidents of birth or indeed Fatness First gym membership) means the ability to feel at ease and put others at ease, who are in completely different circumstances to themselves. To treat those who are different in an equal and non judgemental manner. Just my opinion!

Ohgawd - that's very true! I am friends with a lovely woman who can engage easily with anyone (she is a vicar's daughter and has lots of stories about all the different kinds of people her family helped and befriended over the years). I just think Brits like talking about the class system - the Kate & Wills wedding has generated acres of newsprint, tons of it about her background and upbringing. Not the case at all in other EU countries where crowned heads of the same generation are marrying personal trainers and PR consultants and quite sensibly no-one cares!

If your question really is: "can we meet in the middle?", then I would say "yes, if you are prepared to make the effort". To practise, as ohgawd says, the ability to put others at their ease. My elder brother and I have very different interests and aspirations, but there's always something you can meet over, if you really want to. People manage to get on with people from different cultures, so why not different lifestyles? If, that is, you really want to.

I can see where you are coming from OP. MIL and FIL divorced before I met DH. MIL went on to lead a 'middle class' lifestyle if that's what you want to call it. Married an educated professional man and moved to the country. She felt the need to better herself jobwise and had a very successful career through sheer determination, despite growing up on a rough council estate, secondary modern education. FIL, however, always had a chip on his shoulder. I still say now he was old working class, meaning he had a chip on his shoulder regarding anyone doing well. DH started off in a poorly paid job and made his way up. FIL always said 'oh, you think you're better than us now then' whenever DH said he'd been promoted.

I can see where you are coming from, but not quite why it causes problems. As long as you all love and support each other, you should be able to rub along, after all you had the same upbringing, so cannot be wildly different?

I have a social climbing sister, who has married up, but it doesnt cause issues, as long as we dont try to bring her back down to our level. When her DH or posh friends are not around we rib her for her "acquired accent" (she picked it up at uni, and fined tuned it in her job afterwards). She soon looses her accent after a few drinks though.

My sister probably tells it differently, and would say that we embarrass her!

It's interesting how you started out talking about class and then continued to disparage your brother's 'lifestyle' and 'bitterness'.

Do you think he thinks you're up yourself because he picks up on this?

I'm not sure I follow. Do I think he's bitter because he picks up on the fact I think he might be bitter?

imo you are showing a remarkable lack of class by looking down your long snozze at your db!

family loyalty at all that darling!