why couldn't it happen like that for me? what am i doing wrong?

[BooyHoo]

my best friend was brought up in quite a strict faith and so was never allowed to date, go out with our group of friends to socialise or anything like that her social life was very much contained within her religious family and her immediate family until she reached about 20 and started to work. she met a man who was a colleague, fell in love, was sure enough of her love to endure being ignored by her family for a period and even married him without having any of her family there. they are both very happy. i couldn't think of two people better suited to each other and i am so happy for her as she spent much of her teens believing that her sheltered upbringing would prevent her from meeting someone who would be interested in her.

what i dont get is why it is so easy for some people and not for others. how did she strike lucky and find the perfect man on her first attempt at a relationship? why can i no longer count on my hands the number of men i have met and yet still haven't found the one? why, do i have to go through all the excitement of a new relationship, the hoping and planning only tohave it all toppled down because all of a sudden, it doesn't feel right or, he loses interest or panics at the thought of me and my two kids. why cant i meet someone and be so sure of the relationship and the fact that this man is my future that i know i will marry him and never be hurt? what am i doing wrong?

Well, for what it's worth, here are my musings on the subject:

Some of it's luck/lack of.

Some of it is personality - I think some people are much better at being in a couple, give and take, sharing, what have you than others.

Some of it is about the sort of person you're attracted to - some people are attracted to people who fit well with them, some people are attracted to people who they'd find very difficult to live with long term.

Some of it is about your past relationships and whether you experience a good model of partnership/love/living together, or a bad one. Your experiences of attachment etc.

Some of it is hard work.

Perhaps you're more discriminating and expect more from your relationships?

that's a point. i am hard to live with.

Perhaps you try too hard.

It takes time, some are lucky others are not. Perhaps you try to form a relationship with every man you meet hoping that he will be the one, and then he isn't.

Just go slower, find someone who you have interests with, someone who fuels your brain, who entertains you, who you can talk to for hours without getting bored.

Look inside rather than outside and you will meet the one.

see that's the thing fabby, i never approach relationships with the expectation that it will be serious. i always tell myself it is just 'a date' or a coffee with someone i have met. i really do just enjoy whatever happens and dont expect it to last but then i am always disappointed when it doesn't.

Maybe you are trying too hard to convince yourself you don't have expectations? Obviously, though, you do or you wouldn't feel disappointed when things don't work out. And there is nothing wrong with you for wanting something more serious you do yourself a disservice by telling yourself otherwise and fighting your natural desire for that.

Obviously you know there are no guarantees in life but love and value yourself and realize that wanting a lasting relationship is fine and since it's what's right for you, you to look for it. HAVE expectations. HAVE standards for men that they would have to meet in order for you to take them seriously. Just a date is great but then don't build it up wait to see what HE does for YOU (emotionally, I mean not as in buying you a Porsche!) You have to take the attitude that a guy has to be really special to deserve to spend time with you otherwise in the long run, what is he going to add to your life?

so do you think i have set the bar too low and thats why i am not finding anyone to stick around? i wish i didn't have to think about this stuff. my friend was just so sure from the start that her DH was the one. there was no question that they would marry. i dont get it, how could she have been so sure? i have gone through so many changes of heart with people, thinking there is potential then thinking there is no future. how do people get to a point where they know that person is the right one?

I think if you know you've got to face your family's wrath, or some other huge problem, you think very hard BEFORE you get involved with someone, whether you want to be with them. So once you are together you are pretty sure he is the one.

but all the thinking in the world before you start a relationship cant tell you what that person will be like once you are with them oranges. she only knew this man as a collegue. never met him socially or attended any of the work socials. she didn't even have his number until they actually started dating.

Well, I don't know you, don't know how old you are and haven't met the men you've dated but I do know I wasted a lot of time on jerks when actually if I'd been listening to myself I would have simply moved on. And I think part of this was doubting myself and listening advice like, "oh, just go out with him, give him a chance, don't have expectations, blah blah blah."
Well, if you know you want a lasting, committed relationship that (if we're talking about marriage) has serious financial and legal consequences . . . you'd actually be pretty stupid not to have expectations of potential partners -- right?

Then too, think about the "opportunity cost" of being in bad / upsetting relationships: not only are you not meeting a good man because you're tied up with Mr. Jerk, but you are also not focusing on your career or other parts of your life as much as you should because you're distracted by the latest romantic catastrophe. NOT worth it.

People also say, "Well, relationships take work." Yes, they do but it's not meant to be nothing BUT work and especially not at the beginning! As for knowing who's the right one that's the one who ADDS to your life, who lifts you up -- the man who's NOT hard work.

Why don't you tell yourself you're not going to have a relationship for, say, six months and then just meet as many new people as possible for that time. See what comes up?

It may be of course, with your friend, that all is not as well as it seems, but it's behind closed doors. I mean, no-one has a perfect relationship, do they?

but you can often get to know a lot about people from a distance - watching them with work colleagues, chatting about their weekend - you can often spot some warning signs. Its not failsafe, but you can see someone's real self if you are not in the early stage of a relationship, when they are trying to impress you.

I agree with oranges on that one. You're much more likely to see the real person on a workaday basis like that.

Also, the first three months or so of a romantic relationship (aka the honeymoon period) are especially deceiving because pretty much anyone can put on an act to impress someone for a short period of time.

"how did she strike lucky and find the perfect man on her first attempt at a relationship?"

I think maybe it's the other way around.
She attempted her first relationship because she felt she had found the perfect man for her.

I'm fairly similar to her without the extreme behaviours from the parents (mine are Christian and strongly moralistic- they behave as they think one should and it does rub off a bit-without being strict and allowing me to be a normal teenager)

I met my husband when I was 18 and married him when I was 21. 9 years later we are still happy even if we have our difficulties (who doesn't)

I remember looking at relationships in a completely different way to my friends. It's hard to describe but I feel I can understand your friend a bit.

you see, i used to be a very black and white person. i had an idea of what sort of man i wanted to be with and anyone who didn't meet the criteria, i just didn't entertain. but i was meeting no-one. i realised that my 'ideal' didn't exist. not where i live anyway. so i loosened up a bit and started spending time with people i would normally not have bothered with, thinking them not my type of people, i know i am coming across as really stuck up here and i probably was. i have a far wider social circle now and have more friends to call upon when i feel like heading out. they aren't all the same circle either and i have different things in common with all of them. i am far more open to relationships with people i never would have considered before. people who might not be anything like what i would expect to be 'right' for me but i justify it by the idea that people find love in the unlikeliest of places so who am i to say that it wont be with this guy or that guy just because of how he dresses or what he drives or where he works etc. i figure if i give more people a chance then i am more likely to find someone. and none of them are jerks. they are all pretty nice guys, just not right for me. i am getting myself out as much as i can afford to be out at the minute. and as much as i can ask my mum to mind the dcs.

I met the love of my life aged 42 after two failed marriages to unsuitable men and with two children. Luckily, he also thinks I'm the love of his life and we are extremely happy and very compatible. I could have gone my whole life without ever meeting someone like him, but I started internet dating and we stumbled across each other that way. I didn't expect to meet anyone to fall in love with, I just wanted to get out more!

bronze how do you look at relationships?

i tried the internet dating route but i just wasn't comfortable with it.

Sorry I don't know, as I said it's hard to describe. I didn't date as such. I was just friends with people and only started going out with people when I knew they were right.
If I couldn't picture myself married to them in ten years time then I didn't bother. Of course marriage wasn't my aim but it was kind of like if I couldn't imagine myself married to them then a) they weren't right b) what was the point. Of course that would be constantly reviewed.
I also took things slowly. I met my husband in the summer and we were friends who got closer. We tended to do a lot of things with groups of friends and just found out about each other. Other friends a couple of months in would be so serious about it all by that stage. I also didn't sleep with him until we had been going out for at least 4 months and only that soon because he was happy to wait, oddly. ( I had had a previous boyfriend who wasn't happy to wait for me to be ready which made it patently obvious he wasn't the right one for me).

It makes it sound like I took it very seriously, but in fact it was the complete opposite. Friends went out looking for relationships. I was actually annoyed when I met him because I was having so much fun just being me(turns out I had fun with him instead).

Of course I was lucky in that I met him so young but I didn't waste any of my life of detritus either. I think too many wrong men or relationships can bring someone down.

We bought our first house when I was 20 and married exactly a year later.
It's not been perfect. We've been through some crap, some selfinflicted, some just life. But 9 years (12 known) and 4 children later we're still best friends and lovers.

If anything happened to him now, I would just stay single unless I came across someone amazing while I was living my life. I don't have a need to be with someone which a lot of my friends seem to have.

(maybe stop looking and just be and then they'll appear )

I am lucky aren't I? Sorry

If you didn't like dating sites why not start sailing, camping holidays, whatever you enjoy that you can do with kids. you never know but even if you don't meet anyone you will have still had fun. And that way people who meet you get to know the whole you.

Somebody else touched on this. Almost every man I went out with wanted to marry me. I did marry two of them - unwisely, as it turned out. The reason I was in such demand as a wife was because I was a doormat! I had rubbish boundaries and literally no concept of what a loving relationship looks like. My suitors were, simply, arseholes who knew a sucker when they fucked her

So maybe your friend and you come from very different backgrounds. Perhaps hers taught her exactly what she wants & needs; what to expect from a lifetime relationship, and what kind of man will supply her needs. Maybe yours didn't. If yours, like mine, gave you a warped view of relationships; inaccurate expectations of yourself and your partner; then of course you'll need more hits & misses whilst your learn this stuff for yourself.

Don't worry. You will :)

It does sound very romantic your friend meets someone falls in love and now they are married, first time lucky.It does sound like a love story.

However it also sounds like your friend had to go through some horrible times for her love- being cut off from your family and not even having them at your wedding must have been very isolating, lonely and at times plain scary.

However sometimes when a couple have to go through hard times it can strenghthen their bond immensly and the idea of the forbidden love is very Romeo & Juliet and the idea of overcoming the odds just adds to the romance.

Also a slightly more cynical side would say if she has been sheltered then she wouldnt really have much to compare him too and also she probably saw him as a get out clause for the oppression she felt which would have made her less likely to focus on any doubts. His role as the knight in shining armour would have been intensified.

However that is not to deny their love is not true or strong in any way, but that they were in cirumstances perfect for a love story anyway.

It's only recently occurred to me that I'd go after men who I thought were "interesting". Y'know, slightly bonkers, eccentric, etc. The fact that I never found them sexually attractive didn't occur to me, no wonder I would get bored and want out after 6 months. It's taken me to the age of 30 to figure that out.

sorry for not getting back to this before now. i can only get on when i am at my mum's house as i have no internet at the minute so it can be a few days before i can respond to comments.

thank you for replying.

bronze, i think you are right. i have to stop looking. easier said than done because at the minute i just feel so lonely and am constantly on the lookout for a potential companion. but yes, i need to distract myself and get on with living rather than waiting.

garlic we did have different upbringings. she was raised by her mum with only sporadic contact with her dad. i was raised technically by both parents but in reality it was my martyr of a mother with my dad always there just not having much of an input.