DP is miserable bugger and it's driving me mad

[messybessie]

i love DH but he is so miserable it's really annoying me.

He's always been like this and it used to be endearing .

Yesterday he took children put for the day. I did things around the house and cooked dinner for their return.

He moaned that we were eating early with children, moaned that I'd used a recipe book that he didn't like. (was his first comment on clearing his plate that all recipes in book are shit).

I'm staying overnight at a friends for the first time in 5 years later in the week and he is moaning about having to look after the DCs because he has the week off work and should therefore be 'on holiday'

Oh then he he moaned about how horrible people on Zmumsnet were .

Later on he went on again about my iPhone and how lame I was for having one and how much it cost etc.

Then he started teasing be about my views on various
politicians.

They all sound trivial but I just want him to go for a few hours without finding fault. Everything is subject to 'critical review'

If I try to talk to him about it he says 'aren't I entitled to an opinion!'

Grrrrrr

He is entitled to an opinion but not one that means he is constantly moaning.

Sounds like a twat to me. Is he depressed?

No, always been like it really. But not so much constantly at me.

I have become far less tolerant of it though. So after dinner last night I said that he just needed to say thank you and be grateful that I'd cooked. He seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't care that he didn't really like the recipe. I told him that if I liked it, since I did shopping and cooking then it was still 'worth all the effort' and if I hadn't have liked it, I really didn't need him to tell me as I wouldn't be cooking it again anyway b

He's just spoilt, which is largely my fault. I need to crack down!

Think you are married to my dh. He has got more miserable over the years. Generally I pull him up on it, call him his dad's name (miserable bastard) in jest.

He grew up in a miserable, pessimistic house. I a trying to teach him to be a little more glass half full.

Practically imperfect that is exactly like DH's father. He is moaning constantly and DH hates it.

But even his Dad says DH moans too much.

He isin't just moaning IMO. His comments are personal, critical and for the majority sound like they are directed at you and this is not acceptable.

It isin't trivial, as you say it wears you down when people go on like this. Yes we are all entitled to an opinion but we are NOT entitled to subject the people around us to a constant running commentary of complaints.

Have you really sat down and discussed with your DH how his behaviour makes you feel? My DP can be very similar to your hubbie and his family have always had a indulgent attitude towards it. But for me It was really starting to become a real issue.
I didn't take the "You upset me" line though, instead I emphasised how much it makes me worry about my DP that he puts so much effort into being negative and how he is stopping himself getting as much out of life as he could by always looking for the bad side. I recently bought 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffer and there is an exercise where you aren't allowed to complain for a week. On the first day we went out for a walk and a pub meal and my DP decided not to be critical either. It was unbelievable how much nicer a time we had and even he had to admit it really helped us connect better. Now he is making much more effort to be less 'moaning' and it makes such a difference.

My point being that it is entirely possible that your DH is stuck in his behaviour and doesn't realise what he sounds like. If you can get him to see the effect his behaviour is having it might wake him up a bit. In the meantime let his criticism fly over your head. If you react as if you don't care and aren't interested he will probably shut up because he's getting no feedback.

Oh dear. It sounds like he hasn't changed, but you're no longer happy hearing it or putting up with it.

If it's his basic personality to be a glass half-empty Eeyore, there's not a lot you can do about it. I don't believe you can change people.

Op you call it moaning , where as i would call that being ctitical and putting you down .Not nice , not something that should be happening in front of the dcs , and probably not something youd tolerate from your freinds . Is he the same with his colleauges or just you ?

As others say , you cannot change him , but as he thinks he is " entitled to his opinion " i think i would be just as loose with my own opinion . And i woulldnt be cooking for him again seeing as he doesnt apreciate it .

Moaning is complaining about the world at large. What he's doing (imho) is putting you down and criticising you at every opportunity. The 2 are very different.

Looking for negatives in your wife/partner at every turn isn't having an opinion. It's pretty vile and really rather pathetic behaviour.

Milkandwine is right.

Sounds exactly like my father, I would estimate about 90% of the things he says are complaining about something. Often just little things, but wears you down after a while. Very glad I don't live with him any more.

I think your DP is very rude as well as miserable though. If someone goes to the trouble of cooking you dinner, you thank them and say it's nice. Of course he's entitled to an opinion, but there is such a thing as good manners as well.

As for mocking your views and finding fault with everything you do - well, for me there would be a limit to how long I could live with someone like that. Again yes he's entitled to have his opinions, but sometimes in life there are consequences to voicing certain opinions, and he needs to consider that and maybe think before he speaks sometimes. I guess we all think things we're not proud of occasionally, especially when tired and fed up, but you don't actually have to say every thought that comes into your head!

Two suggestions:
When he starts on a long run of this, say (cheerfully) 'Nothing's making you happy today, is it?', then leave the room and go and do something else, or if you can't do that, ignore him entirely - talk to the DCs, read a book, whatever. He needs to be shown that doing this doesn't get rewarded with attention of any kind. Act as if what he says is mildly regrettable (in that he was rude enough to say it) but mostly boring.

For direct complaints about something you have done, like the dinner, say 'The phrase you're looking for is "Thanks for making dinner, messybessie"'. Then again, ignore it, change the subject, etc. Act as if it is his job to cheer himself up - which it is. Do not act as if his miserableness is your problem, IYSWIM.