Niggles about a new relationship - has it got legs, do you think?

[ForgetfulToothFairy]

I've been seeing a single dad for a while now. I've known him for years and we've always got on well in a mates sort of way, and had a bit of a spark. He helps me out loads, and when we spend time together when our children are with their other parents, it's relaxed and easy. He's straightforward and laid back. He has three young children and is a lovely dad to them. My son is fond of him, he's kind and fun with DS, and his kids like me and I'm fond of them (although to all of them, we're 'just friends'). He gets on well with my family, too - they've known him for a few years. He's loyal, does his share around the house when he's here, thinks highly of me and wants to make a go of things between us.

So far so good.

But there are a few niggles/complications:

Firstly, his eldest child and mine squabble a lot - it just seems to be the dynamic between the two of them. And the squabbling can be exhausting.

Secondly, I know his ex. She can be difficult (I say this from personal experience, regardless of what he has to say about her), and she still lives nearby and the kids all go to the same school ... so on a social/community level, this could be really messy. (We're seeing each other pretty discreetly at the moment, so that proverbial hasn't yet hit the fan.)

Thirdly, and I can't work out if I'm being over-sensitive here or if I have a point, but I sometimes feel like a sex object with him. Sex with him can be and has been lovely. But more than I'd like, it just feels mechanical and lacking in intimacy; I've ended up feeling a bit cheap after a few times we've had sex. He is tired from working full-time and having his kids half the time - I get that. And he has a high sex drive (which in itself isn't an issue) - but even so, he needs to wait; sex needs at least a bit of foreplay most of the time - to be kicked off with some caresses and kisses and all that. At least for me it does. And it's as though he doesn't really want/need/value this to the extent that I do; the minute we're together minus the kids, it can be as though he sees me and sees sex - as though he equates me with sex, overlooking the person. I must emphasise that this isn't how it is all the time, and I appreciate that we're often trying to make the best of little windows of time here and there. And of course I want him to fancy me, which he clearly really does ... maybe I'm being unfair?! But still, it hasn't felt quite right enough times for it to bother me.

And fourthly, I have one child and always wanted two. I haven't given up on the chance of one day having a second. He says he'd happily have another with me, in time and if that's what I want. He's amazing with little ones. But I'm thinking that would be five children all together, between us, and that that would be a LOT of work, and pretty bank-breaking, and well - just too much?

He's looking for housing at the moment, for him and his kids. It's an option for them to move in with us - I've been looking for a lodger anyway, and he and his kids are a 'known quantity', so of course I'm tempted. Discussions about housing have brought my niggles to the fore, really, and I feel as though I need to somehow address them and decide to make a go of it, or quit while I'm ahead. I'm truly on the fence; it feels as though, with the kids involved and the potential social fall-out on going public, that so much is at stake.

A close friend came to visit yesterday, while they were all here, and she said it all felt so comfortable, so easy. She reckons, yes, it's not a perfect, uncomplicated set-up, but life's too short not to try because it might just work out. Another friend has said that, given all the baggage, he's really got to be worth it.

What do you reckon? I'm just not sure.

He makes you feel cheap. Have you talked to him about this and tried to rectify it? He may genuinely not know but if he can't be bothered at the beginning of a relationship how will he be when it is not so new and exciting?

Second and most important is he would be willing to have a child with you but something inside you is saying no despite you wanting one.

Things could also get a hell of a lot worse once the wife and children know they may not be as accepting of you as a couple, kids can be funny like that. His child could become very resentful that yours has his dad every day while he doesn't and that squabbling could become much worse!

I would suggest you come out before he moves in and see what happens?

Absolutely don't move in with him. There is too much in doubt here.

On the sex issue listen to your gut instinct. I didn't and ended up in a bad relationship with a man who did see me as a sex object. It was as if it didn't matter it was me iyswim. Just a warm body. I really wish I'd listened to my gut instinct.

Thanks anothermum92.

My instincts seem to waiver. This evening, they're saying nope, all the complications make for it not being worth it. A week ago, when we were spending the weekend together, child-free, I thought yep, I can see myself getting used to this - it's great.

Good point about moving in; I think talk about housing is putting pressure on that otherwise needn't be there at this stage.

We've been seeing each other this year, basically, after spending increasing amounts of time together in the autumn. I've been single for several years; him not a full year yet. I wonder if it's too early for him, even if he thinks it isn't. We both have less-than-straightforward relationships with our exes.

I have spoken to him once or twice about the sex thing. He has said he felt bad about how it was making me feel, and that he didn't realise (which kind of gets to me - why wouldn't it occur to him?), and has apologised. And then something similar will happen again. I wonder if he just doesn't get it. Or if it's my issue a bit. With my ex, I never felt attractive enough - was always a disappointment to him in that respect - so perhaps I have a problem feeling at ease with a partner who does really fancy me?

Cross-posted. Thanks Xales and hairylights.

Xales: the bit inside me that has doubts about having a second child with him is doubts about the viability of the relationship in general, and about the sheer number of kids there'd then be between us. And yes, I am more than a bit worried about ex-wife-related fall-out. I have a feeling the kids would be OK, though. The eldest two keep asking us to get together! Bar the squabbling, they're happy and settled when they're here. But of course you never know - and there's also the possibility, as the kids get older, of him having them even more (the eldest and youngest would rather live with him all the time). What do you mean by suggesting I "come out and see what happens"?

hairylights: thanks for your advice about the sex issue. Hmm.

No, get a lodger instead and leave it for a while.

You're right, five would be a hell of a lot.

A man who is selfish in bed can learn not to be, but unfortunately he tends to forget what he's learned as soon as he feels comfortable.

And I wouldn't like it if my son was bickering with another child and both were living with me.

Definitely no to him moving in. Imagine yourself a few months down the line; you've decided it can't go anywhere for various reasons, and having to ask him and his children to move out. Very awkward. Give yourself more time and some flexibility. You haven't been together long.

And if he's not getting how he's making you feel regarding the sex, then I don't think he ever will.

You haven't been seeing him long at all, and he hasn't been single for long at all. Our kids don't know, ex doesn't know. Doubts.

Not good plan to move in together.

Why doesn't he rent somewhere (most contracts are for 6 or 12 months), you get a lodger for the same period.

Don't think he is a typical "single dad", more a married one that is in the process of separating. Since you've known him for years and he was with his ex until under a year ago she may well react badly!

It's too early to be moving him and his kids in whatever. As for the wham-bang approach to sex, have you told him more than once that you are not that keen? If you have told him more than three times that you don't like sex in this manner and he is still doing it, that's a clear message that he basically doesn't think your wishes are as important as his.

Thanks for further posts. Plenty of food for thought.

Sorting separate housing arrangements, but still continuing to see each other and giving things a bit more of a shot - with no pressure for things to move any faster than they're ready to/should be at this stage - seems like an idea. I don't feel I want to completely give up on the relationship, because on so many levels, it works - or at least has promise. I like him a lot and I think he's a fundamentally decent guy, and we have a good time together.

I don't have to have another child, and things with exes/children may become easier with time - who knows? If we really want to give it a go, we'd have to find ways of handling these things. But I do need to raise the sex/women-as-sex-objects thing with him more forcefully. If he can't see it - and sort it - it isn't going to work, because I just don't like it.

Will sleep on it. Thanks again.

I don't feel I want to completely give up on the relationship, because on so many levels, it works - or at least has promise.

By saying it has promise , are you hoping that you can make a few changes to him ? Theres no way in hell i would have him and his brood move in , you will end up being emotionally and financially responsible for them , have a look on the step parenting section to see some of the difficultys faced by step parents .

The sex thing IS an issue , and in my opinion , its a BIG issue .In your shoes i would tell him one last time very very clearly that if he cannot show you the respect you deserve your out . That shouldnt be happening ever , and certainly not at this stage.

Have been in touch with him this morning, to say that lodging isn't an option for at least six months/a year - that it's just too soon for all concerned. He's OK with this.

Next, I need to address the sex thing. Will save that for when we next have a decent chunk of time together minus the kids - possibly this weekend.

Thanks for your advice. Feeling a bit sad - but as though I'm doing the right thing.

Niggles are usually there for a reason - ignore them at your peril.
It is definitely too soon to be moving them all in - especially with the squabbles with your ds. I would sidestep the housing issue and let him get his own place and you get a lodger as planned.
As for the sex thing - well talk to him!! Tell him how it makes you feel and if he's a decent man he will be horrified that you feel lke that.
All the other stuff with his ex etc should be worth putting up with if you really love each other.
At the end of the day though only YOU know how you feel - go with your gut instinct, its rarely wrong.

Thanks Diggs and ginnny. Some helpful points.

Come out as a couple now, before moving in together. See how everyone reacts and how much stress there is.

Moving in with a new partner after less than a year is never a good idea, and it's an even worse one when there are kids involved. By all means carry on dating the man and see how it all goes - if the niggles are not bad enough to dump him then don't dump him unless/until they get bad.
Just one note of caution though - has he been the one hinting that it would 'make sense' for him to move into your house? Because a man who is keen to get his feet under the table early on quite often a cocklodger - and if he is only very recently separated from his last DP, what he is after is not so much Twue Luv as making sure he doesn't have to go too long without a woman to run after him, cook for him, wash for him and drop her knickers for him.

A cocklodger?!

I must have led a sheltered life, never heard that term before! Is funny (though not for OP, obviously).