Coming to terms with celibacy

[everythingsperfectexcept]

How do I make myself okay with this?

I have a wonderful marriage with a wonderful man, whom I love very much. We are close - emotionally and socially, we talk and laugh together. He supports me in all my endeavours. I just want to be clear up front that DH has done nothing wrong and I do not intend to leave him and I am glad and blessed in our 10+ year marriage.

But I am so sexually frustrated and I feel absolutely overwhelmed with longing. I need to find a way to be okay with the fact I will never have sex again. DH became ill when we were teenagers and is now paralysed from the neck down, so I haven't had PIV sex since I was 18. I wasn't that bothered initially, being quite sexually immature, but now I am approaching 30 and my sex drive is ramping up to unbearable levels. I dream about sex. I think about it constantly. I am a maniac!

Please don't spin me a line about intimacy being more than PIV. DH can't emotionally deal with any kind of sexualised intimacy as he is still in mourning for his lost function, and I won't pain him in that way. He is also monogamous, and has always been very upfront about not wanting any kind of open relationship. It's a dealbreaker for him, and I don't want him to leave me or to hurt him because I love him very dearly. And it's nothing he's done.

I don't know what to do. The only person I know who is being forced to go without sex in this way is DH, and he's got bigger problems. At least I can walk around, you know? I need to find a way to be okay with it. I can't even really wank - we live in a one bedroom flat with no doors and I am his 24h carer so I have zero privacy - we used to do all that together but once he lost function it just upset him. I can't talk to him about this. I can normally talk to him about everything.

I am so lost and unhappy. And embarrassed and confused and stupid argh. I have namechanged, obviously. How do I come to terms with this? Has anyone else been through this?

Poor you.

Maybe you and dh are best friends not lovers
Do you have children?
Do you want children?

We're not best friends. I am in love with him.

I really want children but I don't see how we can have them - we live on disability and have no way to pay for one and nowhere to put one, and I don't know how I could physically manage the moving and handling when heavily pregnant etc, although I'm reasonably confident I could manage childcare requirements as I have been meeting high care needs for many years with no backup.

Perhaps the desire for children is what is driving this overwhelming obsession.

Okay.

This is a really difficult situation, but it also seems to me that the scenario you have painted has no wiggle room.

You can't discuss it with your Dh, you can't use a vibrator or take a lover, but you have sexual desires that remain unsatisfied.

So, what can you do?

I think that you need to explore (carefully, and perhaps with a counsellor) exactly how important sex is too you in your life, whether sexual fulfillment is important enough to end your marriage or whether you are willing to continue as you are for the rest of your life.

I really feel for you as, of course, it is not as simple as that, a marriage that is happy and good is a complex and wonderful thing, there is no guarantee that seeking sexual fulfillment will provide you what you need.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you come to some peace about the decisions you are about to make.

I too think that professional counselling would be a good idea

to

I understand that you love your husband

But you are giving up sex and the possibility of children for him. It is a hugely big ask. You feel this way now at 30. How will you feel at 40? How will you feel at 50?

I second the idea of counselling but I think it should not just be for you, but for you both. You have to reconcile yourself to childlessness and sexlessness, and you did not voluntarily enter a nunnery. Hugely big deal. Massive in fact.

I applaud you for your commitment to your DH. But I'm surprised he's asking this of you.

OP - is your dh around the same age as you? Assuming so, his physical limitations have existed for 10+ years?

I can understand his being 'in mourning for lost function', but there comes a point where these things need to be discussed in a loving, frank, honest and open way.

Could you go to counselling together? Might take some reasearch to find a sensitive and knowledgeable couples counsellor who could address the issues in your marriage sensitively and effectively - but seems to me that after 10 years, it is time (well past time) to begin the dialogue.

Would your DH like to have children? Have you talked about that? It seems like that has to come into the mix, somehow.

I don't have advice for your situation but I can tell you about mine. Single for a very long time and I also missed sex. Like you, used to dream about, get distracted about it and above all, felt as if I was missing out a lot because of a lack of intimacy. Decided to embark on a series of "intimate encounters". They were fun and fulfilled a need but I realised that the "need" wasn't so much physical but emotional one and I am envious of what you are your husband have in each other. The ladies here will give you some good advice but the moral in my tale is that sex alone wasn't all that great without the intimacy of a relationship and the feeling of love to go with it.

He's two years older than me. He gradually lost function over time and we didn't understand what was happening for years. He's only been completely paralysed for about three years, though he lost most sexual function much earlier. We did other stuff.

I think getting couples counselling will be challenging. He's housebound and we live in near poverty. I will try to get up the courage to pursue this course. I do feel that I...I can't ask more of him. I need to fix this on my own. He's got PTSD, he's depressed, he's paralysed. He's got enough to deal with without my sexual frustration. If it were the other way around I don't think many would have sympathy for a man wanting to shag around on his sick wife. Or leaving a barren one.

I think I'm finding it so difficult because we have always shared our problems. We've had a lot of challenges, very young, and always met them together. I always felt that anything I faced we faced together. I feel, I don't know, I never learnt how to do it on my own. That's probably the wrong thing, I know, but we always had each other's backs.

"that sex alone wasn't all that great without the intimacy of a relationship and the feeling of love to go with it."

That is the crucial point ohgawd and being able to communicate your needs and have them acknowledged/discussed in a respectful and open minded way.

everything

I think that you(and your Dh) really would benefit from counselling, ask your doctor to refer you, it would be free (in the UK), or Relate do take clients who only pay a nominal amount (i.e. whatever you can afford, or free, if on income support etc)

You sound lonely, isolated, do you have friends/support in RL? I realise that this is a very sensitive and personal issue.

Please continue to post on this thread if you feel it helps.

I would wager that a lot of your feelings are heavily linked to the physical and biological desire for children.

Are you sure you are getting all of the financial and emotional support you are entitled to?

Seeing a therapist may help you sort through things and get a plan for the future together. This in turn may help you with your sexual issues.

He wants children. We had always planned to have children. Our big plan was to go to university and try for programming jobs, buy a little house and have two or three children, and he wanted a dog but I always said I would never have a dog in town so the house had to be near some hills. I'm so boring, I know, but it's what I wanted. We've said goodbye to those plans because you can't have those things when you live on benefits, and I've learnt to be okay with all that because you can't always get what you want and no one has the right to an easy life and that's fine. We've made our peace and found ways to be happy with what we do have and are working on ways to better our finances. We do still have so much to be glad about. I can't seem to make my peace with this, though, because it's not...it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't seem to matter how much I talk to myself, my body just wants. I am unreasonable with. I am normally a very practical person and I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of...idk emotional pain.

I'm sorry to go on. It keeps pouring out. I feel almost drunk with the revelations.

I don't want to talk to my friends about this. I don't want them looking at him and pitying him or me...either of us. I am suffocated with so much misplaced pity in the general run of things.

Augh, too much. Please excuse me.

Actually, I am going to go a little against the grain here....if your emotional needs are met by your husband....then purely physical/sexual encounters might suit you perfectly.

Please do not attempt without counselling and full and frank discussion with your husband, but you do need to pay attention to your needs.

I think your husband is being very unfair, to be honest. I can appreciate his problem - it's dreadful, but you are having to make it your problem, too.

You mention having children - is that physically possible for both of you?

One thing I think is that you need to stop being his full time carer. It's not good for you to be together non-stop, particularly as you are in poverty.

You are a young woman and you should be thinking about a career. I'm assuming he is unable to work and I'm really sorry about that. However, you yourself should be out of the house for several hours of the day. You are in a desperate situation and being in poverty and caring full time is making it worse.

If you weren't there, who would care for him?

OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from as I am in a similar situation. It is simply so difficult to see how to deal with this. In my case, we have already had our DSs and I am a lot older than you - but I still weep occasionally when on my own because I will never have sex, at least with DH, ever again.

I can't think of anything to help you, except to say that you are not alone with this problem and that I wish you all the best.

You are clearly an intelligent and articulate woman. And I am horrified at the hand life has dealt you, and you are doing brilliantly

But you do need to take account of your needs in all this. Your needs for sex, children and a career. We need to find a way of navigating how it might work for you, but a life without any of those things is going to leave you bitter, I think. Unless you are a saint (and you are doing a pretty good impression of a saint).

" I do feel that I...I can't ask more of him. I need to fix this on my own. He's got PTSD, he's depressed, he's paralysed. He's got enough to deal with without my sexual frustration."

I think that for the sake of the relationship you need to ask more of your dh tbh. Does he have regular counselling? I would really hope so given how much he has to deal with. I think perhaps the only way that you can really deal with this alone is to have an affair and keep it from your dh.

Have you tried 'Outsiders' set up by Dr Tuppy Owens? It's originally for disabled people themselves, but would possibly be helpful in your situation. Shit situation, hope you find some answers soon.