Affair and TTC

[Baba]

Please help - I am in a mess and don't know how to get out of it (or even if I do want to get out of it!). I am 37, married with a ds who is 3 and my husband and I are TTC but having difficulty. I dont see my dh that often as he is a workaholic, although it is getting better. We both work at the same place and three months ago, after about a year of flirting, I ended up kissing a guy I work with. Since then I have slept with him once and had oral sex with him nearly every other day in the kitchen at work, when my husband could walk in any minute.

I started to fantasise and really like this other guy and neglected my husband but after this other guy took a week off work, I really thought about what I was doing and decided to cool off and since then my dh and I have been getting on a lot better.

I kept away for a few days but the attraction is so strong I just can't do it. This morning we had oral sex again and you can literally feel the chemistry between us in the office.

I don't know what to do because I so, so want another baby, I do love my husband but probably not IN love with him and really fancy/lust after this guy but I can't have my cake and eat it.

On the downside, I look after my ds 6 nights out of 7 as dh is a referee at night - I spend most weekend with ds as dh is a football manager on a Saturday and referee on a Sunday - I drink too much, am on prozac due to bulimia and er, no wonder I can't conceive!!

oooh baba I wouldnt like to be in your shoes love.
I actually dont like infadelity & dont believe in it. But can sometimes understand why some people do it.
The trouble is your doing it-getting away with it-& thats makes it alot easier to do it.
I feel you are taking a big risk & could lose alot.
I always look at it from the other persons view.
How would you feel if your husband was doing it to you?

Is there anyone close you can talk to about it?

SWorry to be blunt, but why are you trying for another child if you're cheating on your husband and thereby dumping on your son. One word, self control.Get yourself sorted out first, your head and your habits and get help for the bulimia. Sounds like you don't love or like yourself very much and need this guy for affection/ego boost. Do you really want another child or is that another "fantasy?" Why does your dh have to be out evry night being a referee? Can't he get someone to cover for him? If you are seriously wanting a child, love yourself first, then your dh and son and then think about bringing another child into your life.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I checked you and as far as I can see, you're not hiding under any bridges, so I feel sorry for you

Message withdrawn

I'm not putting you down, but i really can't understand how people can cheat, and carry on cheating. Does the guilt not totally eat you up? I honestly could not live with myself.

And if you are cheating, it probably isn't the right time to try for another baby. Perhaps you could speak to your dh and see if he can spend more time with you. Perhaps if he was around more you'd feel differently about him

I coulsnt be married to someone who I wasnt in love with either. Your feelings of love & affectionate etc pass on through to your children, as do other feelings.
Do you not ask yourself why you married him & had a child with him?

I meant that I'd checked to see if she possibly could be a troll, as it just seemed so out of the blue and frankly, a bit contreversial and glib. Sorry if that is offensive.

Baba,

Affairs are symptomatic of problems in the relationship not the cause.

You have a lot of personal crises in your own life - the drinking problem (would you say you are an alcoholic?), the bulimia, the loneliness in your life as DH is hardly ever at home. The last thing you need frankly is an affair as this will not solve anything but cause more pain, not just to yourself but to your DH and son. You could lose everything dear to you the way you are going and you will get caught out.

There's right and wrong on both sides here but this man you're having an affair with is taking advantage of your vulnerability. It goes without saying this affair must end as of now and you may need to now consider getting another job. The affair is another way of expressing your unhappiness which is deeply rooted within you.

You are in lust with the guy not love and he is providign you with a means of escape/fantasy.

I was wondering if you've ever had counselling to deal with your respective demons.

I would make an appointment with Relate and get your DH to go with you; if he's unwilling go on your own.

I would not even consider trying for another baby until you have started to address your issues re your life and relationship properly. A baby is not going to paper over the cracks in your relationship if they are already there.

erm well, lets see..

1)u're married and work with ur DH yet are having an affair at said place of work? does anyone in the office know about this? i'm sure u're DH must suspect something if there's 'chemistry' between u and this man.

2. u've had sex with this man - I hope it was protected as otherwise u could fall PG but it be his not ur DH's. daily oral sex in the canteen - erm - right ok then.

3. if u feel neglected by ur DH then talk to him - in the wise words of my DH 'how am I ment to know i'm not a bloody mind reader - so neither's u'r DH, how's he ment to know if u don't tell him?'

4. if u think u drink too much - (and I know how this is gonna sound) but try to cut back)get ur body sorted b4 even thinking about TTC.

5. try to do more activities with ur DH - he may well be out 6 minghts a week - but could u not go and watch him do his football on the w/e, or at least see him after wards for a coffee or something.

this affair is not the answer. the answer lies with u and DH sorting thru things. I know that makes me sound harsh and as if I don't understand - quite frankly I don't understand the whole work/affair thing as in u're both there - but the least u can do is be honest with ur self and ur DH. this will end in tears some where along the line.

I think you already now what you want to do and what you need to do. You just need to make your mind up about what your choice is.

I dont think i need to preach morals, importance of family etc, you are a grown up after all.

Are you practicing safe (oral) sex with this other guy? If you're not and you're trying to conceive then what will the risks be to your unborn baby (should you conceive) if you picked up an STD from this guy? Or worse, you went on to have full sex with this guy and fell pregnant by HIM?

Thank you for your comments, no matter how blunt.. yes, I am eaten up with guilt. And yes, I told my best friend about it who then told me in turn, that she was having an affair with her boss..... I do really, really want to stop this thing - and I do love my husband - and want another child with him. I think I just crave attention and am obviously very insecure about myself and my looks. The most important person in my life is my ds who I love more than anything else in the world and would never do anything to harm him.

I too cannot stand infidelity, ironically enough, and never ever thought I would cheat on dh (we have been together a long time). My darling Dad died a couple of years ago and I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world and started drinking a lot more/bulimic a lot more since then - I just know how dissapointed he would be in me to see me throwing caution to the wind.

Thank you for listening, just wanted to get that off my chest.

You are running such a risk, it's almost like you want your dh to find out. Please don't do this to him or to yourself, not to mention your ds. Even worse, if it comes out at work, it will be very public and humiliating for you both.

Don't think that a man letting you give him a blow job is someone who cares for you. Especially given that your dh is around. He is just on a horrific power trip over both you and dh. Is that what you want for your marriage?

Whatever the problem is, this isn't the answer.

I feel sorry for you as well, but you need to take some responsibility and start to sort yourself out before you lose everything. Try thinking about how you are going to explain all of this to ds when "daddy isn't going to live with us anymore"?

Sorry, but can I just ask why you thought I was a TROLL and what is that?

beansprout, you really made me think when you said don't think that you give a man a blow job and he cares about you. You know what, I am sure that this man doesn't care a bit about me - he lives with his long-term girlfriend, doesn't have kids and has had countless affairs. I am starting to wonder what the attraction is myself!!

hon u have 4 things to do - as I see it. (yes it's simple for me to say and yes b/w which I know RL isn't as simple as)

1. end the affair - try to tfr depts if u can.
2. Talk to ur DH and be honest with him.
3. seek counciling from relate/see if ur doctor will help u out with a referal.
4. change jobs.

I wish u the best of luck and hope u find happiness. but until u're honest with urself I fear the cycle will continue. hope u have the strenght to end things with this man - think how ur DH will feel when he finds out. How would u feel if the boot was on the other foot?

Good for you Baba. The illusion can be very strong. I've been there with someone similar but try and take a step back and see him for who (or what) he is. Then think about all the reasons you love dh and how this man doesn't hold a candle to him.

You said that when you were away from him for a week, it helped. That sounds really positive. I think half the problem is that you are constantly in this situation and it's difficult to get some space. I'm not being flippant when I say how about avoiding the kitchen for a bit? Don't reply to his e-mails, that sort of thing? It might be hard at first but just think about how much better you will feel when you are not having to justify your own guilt and can face dh (and your colleagues) with a clear conscience.

Sorry baba, not trying to offend. A troll is someone who lurks around and posts something either controversial or really scary/rude in which case the mn team delete it quickly. I checked up on you first because I would never want to offend a genuine poster, however weird the post until I'd heard all the story. I think you sound as if you know you need help and perhaps are drinking etc because of grief for your dad. Did you have chance to talk to people who can help? Maybe now is a good time to put yourself first, get some self esteem back, think about the two most precious people in your life who love you and forget about work fantasising. You're playing with fire and it's you who will get burnt and maybe lose your respect even more, maybe even your dh and child. I wish you well and hope you get the help and advice you need soon.

As I wrote he's just taking advantage of your vulnerability. If he truly had any respect for you whatsoever he'd say no.

Unless you are going to face your demons head on and now these will destroy you and you could lose all that you hold dear. You will embark on a long and hard journey if you decide to face up to all your personal crises and it will be painful but you will need to do this. It has to come from within you though, do you really want to sort out all these issues that have been not dealt with to date?.

I do really want to sort things out. I just feel like I am trapped - I LOVE my job sooo much, nothing to do with this man or my dh, its just something that I love and I can't believe that I have put myself in this position and been so foolish. This man and I never ring each other or e-mail, only speak in the kitchen when no-ones around and the time we had sex was when there was a Saturday at work and he engineered it so that there was only me and him there. He has just told me that I have to work late on Thursday 24th and there is only going to be him there again.

I know I am being so childish and have sooo many issues, one of them being that I am probably searching for something I will never find. I have only ever had one orgasm with a man and that was when I was 14.... I pretend I love sex and come across as really sexually agressive and confident but to be honest, I don't even like sex.

Sex with my dh is the same every time but that's not his fault I know as I should tell him what I like etc. I just find it very difficult and would rather not have sex at all. All this, and I still want another baby - I was adopted at 6 weeks old and think this has a lot to do with my insecurity.

Sorry that you thought I was a troll and made it up - sometimes I amaze myself with my mixed up life!!

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I strongly suggest you make up an excuse - ds being ill or something - and don't stay late on the 24th. Its unlikely that you will have resolved it all by then and it will be too easy to fall back into the trap. Is it a case of really needing to work late or just an excuse so he can have another blow job? Hey, let someone else do it, you have better things to get on with.....

Baba,

As if this situation of yours is not bad enough already this comment particularly raises alarm bells:-

"He has just told me that I have to work late on Thursday 24th and there is only going to be him there again".

Well you'd better not be. You cannot be left on your own with this man. The way he talks to you, its sounds to me like he's a supervisor or someone in a more senior position than you. It sounds like he's expecting more of the same next week - you are being both bullied and coerced. Infact I would go as far to say he's acting very menacingly.

Were you abused sexually?. Is that why your feelings re sex are so mixed?.

What are you searching for?. Happiness comes from within you. You are so deeply unhappy and you have so many issues. My question is whether you can really face up to them now by counselling?.

I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure that HEis the recipient of the oral sex?

He's using you so badly.

Get out of it and regain your self-respect.

Counselling sounds like a great idea. It's a very gentle process, you just sit and talk to someone who is supportive and understanding. They don't make you face anything you don't or can't and it can really help.
You can ask your GP for a referral if you don't want to go private.

To be honest, he prefers to see me get pleasure and not bother about himself, pity, or else I could have said he was a selfish pig. He is higher than me in the company but our real connection is that we are both from the same town in the North-East - I moved to Nottingham when I met dh and I miss my hometown sooo much so I think its this connection and the sound of his voice that has a lot to do with it. I know he is using me, although in my romantic mind, I keep thinking he is falling in love with me.

And all the while I should be with my dh who I fell madly in love with and couldn't manage to be without for even an hour at the beginning!!

No, I wasn't sexually abused, although I was introduced to sex at a very early age when I found my Dad's porn magazines which I vividly remember reading on his bed at about 7 or 8, they were really hard core ones and I remember being aroused by them. That's probably where my warped idea of sex comes.

The fact that I have never come with a man - I don't even enjoy having anything done to me but I love the power of doing things to a man. Another warped thing I guess.

I dont think (personally) that you have a warped idea of sex etc. You obviously do have issues with confidence, self image and being comfortable with yourself (these are common traits in women who dont have orgasms). It seemt that counselling would be a good idea.