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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long is the road to recovery?

15 replies

toomanyeasterbunnies · 24/04/2011 22:57

I found out about a month ago that H was having an affair. It was a total shock and I am devastated. We have decided to try and save our marriage but I am very confused by my own feelings.

The first two weeks were hell and passed in a bit of a blur. We then had a good weekend at the start of the Easter holidays whereby we talked a lot and opened up about our feelings. He expressed his sadness about what he has done and the pain he caused me. However, since that weekend I have been feeling sadder and sadder. I am just so upset about the lies and betrayal. I just keep getting images in my head of him having sex with her. I have gone from anger to sadness. :( It has taken me just a little by surprised how sad I am as we did have such a good weekend together and I thought that I could handle it. I cannot sleep, my eating is erratic, I cannot stop thinking about what he has done, I just want to hide under my duvet all day and I cannot be bothered to do anything. I am also really snappy at my poor DC's. My H is worried that I am going to a black place (i.e. depression) but surely what I am feeling is normal at this stage after discovering an affair?

Today he said that he knew I would have bad days but didn't realise that I would gets bad periods lasting weeks. Is this normal?

Also, how do I know if what I am feeling is a normal reaction to the affair and not actual depression? I was on anti-depressants years ago before I met H so I don't want things to get that bad but I cannot just flick a switch and pretend everything is OK. Yesterday, was really hard as it was the first time we had been out with friends since I found out. The friends don't know anything about the affair but I found putting on a brave face and playing happy families really tough.

I am also worried that the more sad i get the more I may drive my H to have another affair. My self esteem is shot and I cannot help thinking why is he still with me. I am just a fat, ugly, boring mum and how can I compete with someone who is 12 years younger than me?

Sorry , this turned into a bit of a ramble but I would really appreciate it if you can advise me on how long I can expect to feel like this.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 24/04/2011 23:06

Your heart needs to repair itself, and your head needs to go through a kind of grieving process.

It is possible that you might begin to suffer from depression, but what you are going through is not unusual in so far as you will have days/weeks where you feel low.

Talk to your partner as much as possible, time is a great healer, and it is going ot take months if not longer before you feel better about things.

BestNameEver · 24/04/2011 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 24/04/2011 23:17

fabbychic we have been doing lots of talking. Probably the most we've talked to each other in the previous 2 years but it still doesn't take the pain away.

bestnameever I don't think he thought it would be all OK after the good weekend but I just don't think he was expecting me to be thinking about it pretty much all the time. He keeps saying my DC need to see their mum smile and I know he is right but it's so hard. I have other friends who I have told so I do have someone I can talk to but he hasn't told any of our mutual friends as he is too ashamed.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/04/2011 00:57

What you are feeling is entirely normal and I don't want to sound pessimistic, but you will be feeling like this for a long time. It's as well that your H starts reading about the effects of infidelity, because if he thinks that you ought to be feeling differently a month on, he's got a very rude awakening I'm afraid.

Most infidelity researchers and therapists have settled on someone feeling recovered and their normal selves again 2 years after discovery. Obviously this is an average; for some it's longer and for others, it's shorter. On this board, I have rarely come across someone recovering their appetite and joy for life in under 2 years.

Various things help with this process and you might find it helpful to know what happens for many people on a sort of timeline.

The first few months tend to be characterised by a roller-coaster; a few days of loving togetherness and optimism, followed by a few days of sadness, anger or despair - sometimes all three. Gradually, but only if you unravel the cause of the affair and your H tells the absolute truth and makes efforts to change in fundamental ways, you will start to feel more hopeful. However, this is a long process and it cannot be rushed I'm afraid. On the positive side, you can emerge from this with a happier, stronger marriage than ever before - and you will both learn a huge amount about yourselves.

You don't say whether you have posted before about this, but you say the discovery was a complete shock. There is an enormously helpful book that we recommend on here "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and I would really recommend it, but it is absolutely essential that your H reads this too. Shirley Glass was a therapist who used a trauma-recovery model to help survivors of infidelity and it is going to help you rationalise your emotions if you recognise that you have suffered an enormous trauma. Like other traumatic shocks, you might have flashbacks to the moment of discovery and the intrusive images you describe about your H and the OW. This book deals with all these things and more. Reading it will help you to both to see that nearly everyone who has been in this position feels the same things.

You might also be feeling scared and anxious, because in the early weeks, it feels like all your safety has been taken away. The world suddenly seems a frightening place to be and this causes loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, feelings of numbness or conversely, intense anger, irritation and sadness. At your stage, there can also be anger and incomprehension that the world around you has carried on as normal, yet this dreadful thing has happened to you. When you saw your friends this weekend, I bet you felt it was like an out-of-body experience.

Your H really does need to step up to the plate here. I want you to treat this as though you had been run over by a bus and cannot function as normal. He must therefore pick up the slack and treat you as though you were grievously injured. He must therefore take things on that you lack the motivation to do - because I can imagine right now you feel that mundane but necessary tasks are utterly pointless and your motivation is low.

Keep posting, because there are lots of people who can and will help you with this. But I can't stress enough how important it is that your H starts doing his own research about how you're feeling and how normal and longstanding this will be. He needs to know upfront that you are both signing up to a very rocky road, but the rewards can be enormous if you love eachother enough.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 25/04/2011 06:53

WWIFN Thank you for your insightful post. I was hoping you would post here. I have posted here before under a different name and it was you and others that actually suggested his infidelity.

I have read the book you mentioned but to be honest I think I need to re-read it as I haven't taken much of it in as I read it about a week after I discovered the affair. My H has promised to read it but whether he will is a different matter.

I am just very scared of getting depression. As I mentioned, I had mild depression a long time ago and it's a road I am worried about going down again. My emotions are all over the place and it is very frightening and I feel quite alone although I am talking to my H about how I am feeling. I just want to function normally for our children but I am finding it so very difficult. My DD's birthday is in a couple of weeks and normally I would have got very excited organising a party and buying presents but this year I don't seem to have the mental strength to do anything. I know I just need to pick myself up and get on with things but it feels like I have this enormous black cloud on my shoulders and if I am not careful it will swallow me up. :(

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 25/04/2011 08:27

toomanyeasterbunnies really sorry to read your story and how hard it is for you.

I don't know whether AD's helped you before with depression?

I went on AD's for a while after my STBXH's first affair. IME they numbed me to the effects of an absolutely 'normal' response to what I now know was the trauma of his infidelity. But in the short term they may help you function enough to get through this. Perhaps you could go on them sooner rather than later before depression gets a grip?

This time around, with the second affair and his exit (on the end of my boot) from the marriage my GP keeps offering AD's. I have been worried about depression too but I am finding alternative ways to deal with my feelings.

I just want to say that I did something similar to you first time. I think the most unhelpful thing I did was to try and put on a show of togetherness when underneath I was hideously angry and hurt. Now all our friends know they tell me that for the last 3 years they have felt the tension each time we were all together even though almost all of them were completely in the dark as to why.

I would say don't be afraid of showing him your true feelings - you have every right to feel the way you do and he needs to learn quickly that this can't be avoided. He's probably scared himself at your reactions, hence his dismay at the depth of your despair.

If he is truly remorseful and wants to make this work he will be prepared to get alongside you and do whatever it takes to repair the damage his actions have caused.

And BTW. Your H is not a 'prize' to be won or lost. This is not a competition with the OW that you have entered. Your H set the up this situation himself without your knowledge. Please try not to turn this onto yourself - you have been everything he needed and wanted just the way you are.

ChippedChinaTeaCup · 25/04/2011 08:29

hiya

I'm 15 months down the line and it's only in the last couple of months that it has stopped dominating my thoughts. However, I did suppress everything and not discuss enough with him, and I didn't tell people in our circle either as I didn't want the awkwardness. In hindsight that was a mistake. Be as open as you can, share your feelings with him and make sure he realises that it will take a long time for you to recover from this. It is one of the most traumatic things you can experience and he needs to understand that and be patient with you.

I can't pretend it doesn't cross my mind occasionally now, but it is only occasionally.. like a couple of times a week or something and it's fleeting. You also need your husband to be completely transparent with you, you need access to his phone, all email accounts, phone bills, credit card bills etc and for him not to get ratty when you question things. He needs to be where he says he is when he says he is, no white lies because otherwise how will you be able to trust him again? My p found that hard to contend with at first, because he felt like a child but he accepted that it was what I needed and let me do it. It helped immensely because I could see that he wasn't hiding anything and everything he said tallied up when I checked and that has been a huge factor in my recovery.

I can't say that I'm 100% recovered yet.. and I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was but the new person who is now emerging is ok.. I've learned a lot about myself in this hellish process and am now with the help of a therapist addressing my own issues. I'm more assertive and able to identify my own needs and ask for what I want.

Our relationship is also greatly improved, it's a much more mature, mutually supportive partnership than it was and hopefully that improvement will continue. It's not perfect yet but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I did have ADs for a while but I didn't find they made a difference so I stopped taking them.

WWIFN gives good advice and I wish I'd followed it sooner :)

Keep posting, the women here are fantastic - they propped me up many times when I felt like going under.

Big huggs xxxx

Xales · 25/04/2011 09:30

You have every right to feel sad, hurt, furiously angry. Anything you feel you are totally entitled to.

Your whole life has been torn apart. Your marriage will never be the same. You can take as long as you like to grieve for what you have lost. It can change and maybe be stronger than it was before but it will never be the same as it was before his betrayal.

He is happy hiding this under the rug from your mutual friends so he isn't judged. This means he can carry on looking like Mr Wonderful to them! If you want them to know then you can tell them. If you don't, don't tell them he lost the right to veto who knows and who doesn't. It is his shame not yours.

If he can't step up and accept his part in all that and goes off and has another affair that says a lot more about him than it does you.

Most of us are that little bit wider, and mums. We are not dull and boring (although most of us feel that way) we are amazing. We put others before ourselves times after time. Some men appreciate what that is worth. Some are more shallow and prefer the younger model with maybe less experience so they seem great.

Please also get yourself to an STI clinic and him as well. Condoms offer protection but they are no 100% guarentee Sad

megmums · 25/04/2011 09:44

What you are feeling is completely normal in the aftermath of an affair. Don't be hard on yourself. It can take 2 years to recover from an affair.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 26/04/2011 20:14

Thank you for all your comments. I had a much better day today and only thought about it all a few times during the day rather than constantly.

Two years sounds like such a long time and I cannot imagine how we are going to be at the end of this long road. I really want it to work and so does H but I just hope that we can get to the stage whereby we are "in love" again or am I expecting too much?

With regards to telling mutual friends. H has left that ball in my court - he said that he has no problem if I want to tell them. TBH it didn't feel right at the time but it was hard putting on a brave face. I'm not sure what's best really.

Anyway thanks again.

OP posts:
toomanyeasterbunnies · 18/05/2011 23:48

I'm so sad and i need to vent. I've got a couple of threads but the title of this one is probably more appropriate.

Not sure if it's because I've had a drink or what but I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. I've finally realised that the man I married no longer exists. My H is a stranger that I've got to get to know again. What if I don't like him? What if I cannot overcome my feelings and cannot forgive him. I want to be with him and he wants to be with me but I'm so confused and I am hurting so much. I just want it all to go away. I want to scream out for someone to take away all the hurt and to give me my H back. I am desperately sad :(

How could he do this to me? How can I say I still love him after what he has done? I don't even know him any more. Please someone give me strength to get through this.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/05/2011 00:12

I'm exhausted tonight love, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

Tell me what your H has done since discovery, besides talking the talk?

What has he done to understand his actions? What has he read? Who has he talked to?

Have you got that book yet - and if so, have you both read it?

From what you've said on this and your other thread, your H has been keen to carry on life as normal and to try to put this behind you, but it doesn't work like that, as you're discovering now.

I'm hoping you've adopted a position of waiting and seeing - and haven't communicated a definite decision to stay with him and get past this. If not, remember that you can retract any promises made at an earlier time, before you realised how hard this might be. That is your right and for your H, living with that uncertainty is one of the prices he will have to pay.

Keep posting - don't feel like you've got to go through this on your own.

HerHissyness · 19/05/2011 12:28

I can't follow WWIFN with anything useful to say, except that I truly feel for you and wish I could give you a great big hug.

You are not on your own love. we are all here.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 19/05/2011 14:32

After very depressing night last night I feel surprisingly OK today!

WWIFN - Thank you for responding last night. Yes I have got the book and I have started to read it. My H has glanced at the bits I've highlighted. I think it will be a very useful book but may require constant dipping into.

My H has been an open book since I've found out. I know all his passwords and he has even set up some map thing on his phone that posts his exact location onto facebook should I wish to check where he is. He has been very apologetic and remorseful about what he has done. He is picking up the slack on the days I feel so sad I cannot be bothered to do the housework and he is willing to talk. So all good things so far.

We've been to a couple of counselling sessions which we are both finding enlightening. The last session, we were discussing the blame aspect and I said that even though H says he doesn't blame me he then takes it away and goes onto to say about how rejected he felt and so felt I didn't care so he had the affair. The counsellor was very good and picked up on what he was saying and said as an impartial observer it was coming across that he was still completely blaming me. H came away in tears as he really thought he wasn't blaming me and was shocked that he was.

The counsellor also picked up that we are both very guarded when we express ourselves. I know I find it hard to open up and I do bottle things up. So we explored a bit about bottling up anger. This was in follow up to what had happened last Saturday.

H wants me to say it will be OK. So I told him last Saturday that I don't know if it will be OK and I cannot give him the assurance he wants to hear that we will stay together. I need to understand my feelings and work out if I can still stay with him. He got upset and basically started to pack a bag. I then went on to tell him that I just felt for the past couple of weeks that I had a knot in my stomach full of emotion just waiting to be let out. Then all of a sudden this rage came over me and I told him I could kill him for what he has done. He then made even more of an effort to pack a bag (he says now it was to give me space? Hmm) Anyway, I went downstairs and the floodgates opened and I could not stop myself crying. Absolute sobbing even with my DC looking at me I could not pull it together and stop. Never felt anything like that before. I must have been crying like that for at least 30 mins. We talked about it and I think everything that I'd been bottling up just came out. He said he didn't want to leave but he was really shocked by what I had said and the anger in my face.

So fast forward to yesterday morning. We haven't had sex since I found out as I didn't feel ready. He starts to caress me and it does feel nice but then all of a sudden I just get images of him and OW. I did say to stop and he did but then he started to caress me again so I just thought - "Just get it over with" so I basically laid back and thought of England. It was horrid. In the end I just had to imagine I was OW as I was finding the mental images too painful. I should have stopped him. Spent the whole day beating myself up about it as I am angry that I didn't stop it. Also angry at H as it was not making love, it was just sex for his pleasure. Why did I do it? When I spoke to H he said he wanted it over and done with as well and he didn't want the "first time" post discovery to be like it was. He is sorry for carrying on with it as he said he should have just stopped the first time I said it.

Anyway, I think writing this and talking it over with him yesterday has helped. Sorry this has turned into a really long post.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/05/2011 20:20

I read your last post with mounting horror, I'm afraid. There are key issues that haven't changed within your relationship. I recall that your H hit back with enormous cruelty on discovery and it still seems that he is unable to take your understandable pain on the chin - and stay and hold you. His instinct is still to flight, packing a bag the way a child might, when he threatens to leave home.

For many affair survivors, they can recall the moment when the sobbing was uncontrollable and the howls they emitted were more akin to a wounded animal.. This was your moment - and it had to come. Your H's response to it is illuminating. He lacked the very basic empathy to comfort you and let you grieve.

I am not surprised that you felt horrible yesterday after that sexual experience. I can find no empathy for your H at all in this situation, although I have plenty for yours. You shouldn't berate yourself one iota for what you consented to - but your H should hang his head in shame Sad.

Given what you've documented on your other thread about your H's responses on discovery and now this, I've just got to be honest with you and tell you that I wouldn't be able to stay with a man like this. And I've deliberated for some time before saying this to you.

However, I accept that you want to save this marriage and I'm delighted that the counsellor is good. I really would urge you to speak about that awful experience with the counsellor and explain how it made you feel.

Can I suggest that you request a session with her on her own, so that you can attempt to process the barriers you have, to ending this marriage? I think as well as on here, you might benefit from a protected space, where you can examine exactly why you are hanging on in there, trying to fight for a man who really doesn't seem worthy of you.

I am so sorry Sad.

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