Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me understand this man..

12 replies

ItLookHardToStartNewLife · 24/04/2011 20:53

...please. H and me are separated for about 5 weeks now...(long story..) Since this time he saw our children only rarely. (1Y and 4Y). He phones them just ones a week for 5 minutes. H didn't bother to see our children during half term (easter holidays). He called on Friday saying he wants to pick up DD1 on saturday and have her over the nite until Sunday, I said yes, but he will take dd2 too. H said he got only a single bed and therefore can not pick dd2 up, I said he has 2 children,therefore he should pick up both! H reply was "Will I see. "
Since then I didn't hear from him. Is easter now, he even doesn't bother to phone dd's! Angry

I don't understand this man!!??.....yeah and last time when he saw our children 2 weeks ago he said "you know you are still my wife" jerk! does he wants to keep me as his back up...? Hmm

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 24/04/2011 21:04

sorry, this sounds like a nightmare for you! Is there any way you could see a solicitor to get visitation sorted more formally?

sounds like he's being a total arse with completely unrealistic ideas.

LynetteScavo · 24/04/2011 21:10

Where is he living? Is it possible for him to have 2 young children at the same time staying where he lives? Can he actually cope with both of them?

Yes, technically you are still his wife. He is still your husband. I have no idea why he said this, or in what context.

What does he do when not with the DC? Is he working, or watching TV, or with a new woman?

Original poster
ItLookHardToStartNewLife · 24/04/2011 21:29

unfortunately currently can't afford solicitor

I have no idea where he lives, all I know is "the area" only! he refuses to give me his address, it must be somewhere renting 1bedroom in shared house..
He can cope with both of them for few hours, but actually there was never time (6y of our marriage) him being on his own with our children for 1 whole day or longer Hmm

He does work full time and part time uni course...not sure if new woman?? (the old one which he had an affair with is gone in relationship with someone else :)

OP posts:
goingwiththeflow · 24/04/2011 21:55

you need to know where he is taking the kids and what the sleeping set up is ...you need to stand your ground and insist surely that is non unreasonable thing to ask ? until he can do that and act like a responsible parent maybe for their sakes for the time being it would be better that he sees them daytime and they are back with you for the nightime, they are possibly a bit young to understand the staying over concept especially with it all being recent break up still, they prob need the secuity of a their regular routine as much as possible.... Mine were similar ages and they really didn't understand staying over in a 'unfamiliar' house with their Dad to start off with ( as he too didn't have them on his own for any length of time prior to the break up) but it was built up over the weeks and then it kind of became the 'norm'.. we still don't get on at all but do a reasonable job of appearing to ..
Its horrid when its all still fresh especially when they are so young .. good luck don't let him bully you with comments about 'still being wife' etc etc , its sounds like mind games to me
Its easier to get dragged into who has the kids when and for how long , but with hindsight ( I know its always 20:20!) someone has to look out for the kids interests and rise above any tit for tat

peggotty · 24/04/2011 21:59

You should not let either of your children go and stay with him until you at least have an address!!

LynetteScavo · 24/04/2011 21:59

You don't know where he lives, and he has never had both of them for more that a few hours? Then you are expecting too much of him to have both of them.

You need to be realistic. Let him have the DC for a day, not overnight atm. Let him build up the time he spends with them. When you know where he lives, and with whom, and you know it's a safe environment let them stay the night. You have no idea atm where they will be spending then night, and even if it is a safe place for any child.

If he has been working over the Easter holiday, he wouldn't have been able to see them, and it will be weekends only.

Original poster
ItLookHardToStartNewLife · 24/04/2011 22:41

oh,that's true ladies! I will stick to day times only, but it makes me woried/upset/angry that he doesn't try to phone or see them a bit more regulary. Doesn't he misse our children??

I know that every single week he has 2 days off (weekdays or weekends)

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/04/2011 01:09

Does he want to see the children? Is he making demands for access as a way of jerking you around? If he is only seeing them grudgingly and being completely unreliable, it may well be better to draw back from him and wait for him to ask to see them. It isperfectly reasonable for you to refuse to let him take either of them when you don't know where he is living, though.

Tortington · 25/04/2011 01:12

it must hurt you for the childrens sake - but if he's a nob then he's a nob and i wouldn't go chasing him to be a dad.

i aslo wouldn't let my kids go to an address that i didn't have.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/04/2011 01:31

He is their Father and it's really not too much to expect that he looks after them for any length of time, frankly. Mothers aren't born with a childcare manual and if you can reasonably be expected to care for children, so can he.

But likewise, I wouldn't want my DCs going anywhere at this age if I didn't know the address and had certainty that they would be cared for adequately. In this instance, I wouldn't push for him to see them but I would formalise any agreements and get them written down and signed by you both - a solicitor's agreement would be best, but at least do it in writing.

It's pretty transparent that he only wants to see the 4 year-old because she is easier to manage than the baby, but he needs to realise that being a parent means not dodging out of the difficult years.

Original poster
ItLookHardToStartNewLife · 25/04/2011 08:58

am not sure if he WANTS to see them or not Hmm but I know, for him was easier to leave us and enjoy his single man live than be full time dad and husband..
I will back up and wait till he is "ready" and willing to see both our children even it's hartaching me :(

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/04/2011 10:44

The thing is, you can't force a lazy dickhead to be a good father and it'spointless and distressing for both you and the DC to try. So get a formal agreement in place as to which days he will see the children, and if he doesn't turn up, keep a note of it - and have a back up plan either of a treat to cheer them up if they are disappointed with his non-appearance, or soemoene else who can look after them if you have to work or have another important appointment that day.
What you want to have in place is evidence shoing you have been fair and reasonable and have not tried to prevent him having contact with DC - and that it has been all his own fault if he hasn't seen very much of them.
Because selfish men like this sometimes start demanding masses of contact out of the blue, either because they want to show off to a new partner about what caring fathers they are, or because they have taken it into their heads to harass the children's mother and making a huge fuss about contact is a good way of doing this. However, if you have evidence of your own reasonableness and his idiocy, a court will not just allow him to have his own way.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page