separation...... confusion and I don't like it

[littlemisslost]

long but important.... I've been on here a few times over the last few months. I asked for a separation from my dh at christmas and it has been really tough and Ive gone through the angry, frustrated, emotional mess stages. He has been in denial for most of it saying he can change, we can work throught it, he loves me so much etc etc and also at times he got a bit nasty demanding to sell the house from under me knowing I can't afford to get my own place at the moment because Im studying. Stopping me from going out by going out himself when he knows I have made plans(one of us has to be here for dd).
Now we have had the house valued and I have sought advice regarding tax credits and help I can get until Im in full time work etc so dont feel as worried about that side of things. I have listened to many of my friends who say its the right thing to do because I've been unhappy for along time and then listened to my family who all say I am mad and will have to start all over again and rip my dd world apart.... That dh is a lovely man and father and Im going through some kind of mid life crisis and naieve about who/what is out there. I have even had a couple of dates and they have turned out to be nice but just losers and really made me think!? I am already starting to miss dh and he hasnt even left yet, we have had separate rooms and been living very separately for months now working opposite shifts, friends and family all know we are separated etc. We havent had a sex life really for a few years but we cuddled,kissed, massaged,talked alot and Im missing that. I just dont know what Im doing anymore, I worry that sexually we will never be compatible and my relationship with his family is so bad that we dont stand a chance long term. The estate agent when I spoke to him after he came to do the valuation etc said "you dont seem like a couple who are splitting up" lol CONFUSED.COM!!!

BUMP

please somebody give me some advice, I am so confused. Dh is on about us selling and buying anew house togther because we have never really been happy in this house. He thinks it will go along way to making us feel happier because were happier with where we live, we have see a couple of house that would leave us more money each month in nicer/family friendly areas and Im tempted. I just dont know what to do, What if we do that and I feel in a few months that it just hasnt worked out and were in a new home etc???

sends a hug!

10 years ago I nearly left my DH but didnt, we bought a new house and it bought us a while...the distraction factor, new surroundings etc. But if something is rotten inside a new coat of paint won't fix it imho.

I have no advice, I am sure someone will be along with some, but I didn't want you to feel ignored. Look into the future as far as you can ...can you live with yourself if you stay? Or if you don't stay? Life is short.

thankyou, I AM feeling ignored lol noody is answering. You gave some good advice though, I know we are all different but I am just really stuck between wantting to keep my family together and being scared of not finding anyone else so nice and loving and who essentailly as two people we get on well. and wanting to find someone who is as ambitious as me, has a nice family that are supportive and involved, thats there is sexual chemistry with .....

Sorry you're feeling like this and sorry you've had so few replies, too! I think everyone's out in the garden.

Think of the reasons why you don't want to stay with him:

• You have been unhappy for a long time
• He can get nasty
• He stopped you from going out by going out himself - that is completely unfair and he knows it - he is punishing you
• You haven't had a sex life for years - you are sexually incompatible
• Your relationship with his family is really bad (ie not supportive, not involved)
• You would suit someone who was more ambitious (I think that's in-built, to be honest - I've never known anyone become ambitious because someone else told them to)

It's inevitable that just before a break up that you would panic about whether it's the right thing to do. Given all that you've said, I think you'd be absolutely right to go now. You've done the hard part by telling him. You know you could cope financially. You deserve a chance at happiness. So does he - it's impossible to be happy in a relationship if the other person's really unhappy.

I'd say split up now. You'll be in touch with him over the next several years and maybe a pig may fly and you may get back together with him. I think, though, that you'll find peace on your own and you'll have the knowledge of what you need not to make the same mistake twice.

I think you should separate for a while at least. And that is from someone whose H has recently left and is not exactly happy about it.

If you really aren't happy it is better to just get on with things rather than just keep going for years. Don't listen to other people ie estate agent - just think about what is better for you. Only you can know that.

hmm yes there are good genuine reasons for my wanting the separation, I just see people do it and then regret it, thinking the grass is greener etc etc and clearly for many its not!
I worry about living in a horrible little flat or house and feeling lonely and skint and have taken away my dd's father. He is moving down south if I go through with it all as thats where his family are and contact between him and my dd will be very minimal and it will be veyr hard for me to get a job (nursing) AND COVER CHILDCARE WITH HIM IN ANOTHER PART OF THE COUNTRY ...oops sorry! wasnt shouting lol
Im scared and he fact that i keep wanting to hug him and quite miss him already is worrying me.

Is there something still left for you to build on?

You mention your sex life, do you want it more? Is there a way you could meet middle ground?

Sex starts a long time outside the bedroom, outside factors play a big part in why you lose your sex drive. Not enough time together. Financial worries.

You cannot continue to hold onto him if you no longer love him, that would be unfair because he could be with someone who really does love him.

You sound unsure as to where your future lies, whilst you decide you leave him wondering and that is really unfair.

sorry not been on because of work, I am unsure, and youre right its not fair on him. Sex life is bad because I generally have a pretty low sex drive and also because I dont really enjoy sex with him, Ive never really been turned on by him that much. I love him for many reasons but the sexual side of it has never been one of them. BUt on top of all that we have pretty much always had financial worries and pretty much always had minimal time together because his weekends off are spent down south away from me. I see so many people in relationships/marriages that seem badly matched but they just get on with it and enjoy what they HAVE got. I dont know if thats what i should do instead of pluing me and dd into a life of uncertaintly and hardship

You can work on the sex it isnt the be all and end all, but you do need something to keep you together.

Maybe you have just drifted apart. Why is he spending his weekends in the South and not with you?

Are you do you think scared of being alone? Don't be.

With someone who lights your fires sexually you might find you want to have sex and have more of a sex drive.

It is natural to miss someone you have spent so much time with, not a good basis to carry on though.

Ok you have several options to work through rationally

1. Stay in current house
2. Move to a more affordable house

A Get counselling talk through issues and sex life and try to make it work. If it fails you know you tried, if it works hooray!
B Accept it is dead in the water and move on.

You can combine any of these options or try them in order.
eg 1 + A then 1 + B then 2 + B
or 2 + A
or go straight for 2 + B etc

What is your instinct telling you? And what does he want?
And a life of uncertainty and hardship is also a life full of potential for happiness and success.

okay:
he wants to stay together
he spends his weekends off down South having contact with his ds who I am not allowed to see.
We are toying with the idea of moving to a more affordable house, one because the if we do split I may be able to afford it on my own (I cant afford this house on my own) two because then we could pay off our debts and enjoying some decent holidays and time as a family which we have never been able to aford to do for one reason or another
I dont get on with his family which is one of main concerns because ive never had this in any previous relationships and I find it very isolating and horrible.