Advice needed please... me and my Dad.

[BabyYoureAFirework]

Little back story... parents split when I was about 4. Me & my sister spent every Saturday with him for about the next 15 years, during which time he was with my first stepmum. They split in about 1996, and he married again. We all had regular contact all over that time, although he'd moved away. He split with my second stepmum a couple of years ago. With me?

The last time I saw my Dad was on New Years Day 2010.... he came to stay overnight, and spent the whole evening texting someone, and ignoring my children, which really fucked me off - I didn't say anything though, pasted a smile on, and got on with it.

We had pretty much no contact after that day for months and months - fast forward to Aug last year, when he called because it was DS's birthday - he called in the afternoon, when DS had gone to his dads, and I ignored the phone because I was busy doing something. He didn't leave a message.

Later on that evening, he sent me a text - something along the lines of 'I can't believe you stopped me from speaking to my own grandson on his birthday... 'blah blah - I called him immediately, but he had switched his phone off. So I sent a reply telling him that I had been out when he called - and he replied telling me that he'd called 5 times, and left several messages.

Now I KNOW this is a lie, because I was there - but because I lied and told him I was out, I can't pull him on it.

He called me Christmas week last year and asked us to all go down and stay at his for a couple of days - Christmas Eve was the Friday and this was the Tuesday so I explained that was impossible, and that I was working right up until Christmas Day - he told me that it was either that week or not at all as he would be too busy opening a new business in the New Year and wouldn't have time.

So now it's nearly May. I still haven't called him, I'm by turn angry and sad, and I really have no idea how to move on. I have to make contact for my children, and because he's getting older, and because he's with yet another new partner that I haven't met... but I don't know what to do. If I call him, I'll lose my temper.

Can someone advise me? Sorry this is so long, and that the circumstances sound so incredibly petty. But this is the last in a long line of.... difficulty.. in our relationship, and I'm stuck.

What do you want out of a possible relationship? Aside from any feelings of "should" (ie: for your kids or because he's getting older). If it really is worth the effort would you consider some kind of "truce" where you explain your feelings to your Dad ... How you feel and what you want out of a relationship?

It seems to me that your dad is having trouble forming and maintaining relationships. Apart from you I count 4(?) women in his life, no relationship has lasted. Bar the last one which is a very new relationship.
So either you accept a sort of on-off relationship in which you do all the giving, or you cut loose and have no relationship. I don't think that there is ever a way you are going to 'get' anything 'out' of this relationship, but if you accept that, you might still have the satisfaction of doing what you can to make things feel right.

If you cannot ring him without losing your temper, I would not ring.

Unfortunately sometimes people get caught up in what is happening around them to the point that they tend to forget about close family.

Your dad has been through some relationship breakups and probably felt alone at the time, so when someone else came along he put them first.

It isn't right, but if you want to put the situation right you are going to have to let the past go and work on the now.

Life is really too short to bear grudges.

He might well think too that you have your own life now too.

Call him, arrange to see each other and put the past behind you.

hairylights I don't really know what I want out of it - I don't miss him, but I want my dc to know their Bampa

I suspect that the regular contact over the last 20 years are as a result of the input of his various wives, as opposed to him making the effort.

DutchOma, I won't call him, honestly. I don't want to upset him, and to tell you the truth, he's about the only person in the world that intimidates me a bit.

FabbyChic I do understand that stuff, but in fairness, I've separated from my husband and am alone with 2 children, and he hasn't offered me any support at all - so I do have a problem feeling sympathetic.

How about an email? I was thinking that I could put my point across without him interrupting and getting angry.

But then, somewhere along the line, there will have to be contact, and I can't imagine anything more awkward.

bump

If you want to, then put things right - clear the air and move forward. My dad died suddenly in October and I have a bit of a 'thing' about people enjoying their Dad while they can. Of course,you know if you truly want to build bridges or not.

You do know you don't have to make contact for your children.

An email or meeting him without your children, so you can talk sounds better at the moment.
However, I'm concerned that he's the only person who initmidates you.....why?

Don't do what l have done twice now- that is leave it until it is too late to make contact.
Believe me l regret nothing more than not being more proactive in contacting people who have died.
Life is too short to have regrets. If you don't try you will always think if only....

Labradorlover - I can't explain. I'm pretty assertive with most people - but he has this way of making me feel about 12, and he's a bad-tempered fucker. Plus he has a history of heart disease and I'm always worried that if we really go for it, he might have a heart attack.

When I was younger, right up until a few years ago actually, I thought the sun shone out of him. We were really close. I don't know what's happened, and I feel like I should put it right, but on the other hand, I haven't actually DONE anything, and feel like I'm compromising my principles for the sake of peace.

I could just leave it. But how will I feel when he dies, and I feel guilty for the rest of my life? I want things to be how they used to be, and they're never going to be because there is this thing between us that I can't resolve.