DH & money

[Curlywig]

Hi there

Right long and short of it. I am on maternity leave, have been on contractual pay for 6 months, now about to go on to stat maternity pay for 3 months and then nil pay for 3 months to look after DD1.

have been trying to have a money talk with DH for a while now, currently he pays mortgage & most household bills, i buy food, household bits, council tax stuff for DD. We both have credit cards & a loan we are paying off too.

So I have been squirreling my money away so I can save for the rainy day of no pay & carry on paying my loan, phonebill & the bit that is left on my cc. I need DH to pay for some food for a while & pay the council tax.

DH has been very vague about the whole thing, doesnt want to put money into the joint acc so that we can both access it for shopping (this is what I have always done every single month). I want to know that we will be ok moneywise, I was awake last night thinking & worrying about it & told him I was worried and he didnt say anything just went to sleep. DH has been doing some extra work which I am really grateful for and has told me the rough idea of the money he will get for this. This money would really help to see us through the next few months. But rather than saying he will put it in joint account so bills can continue to be paid as normal, he is being all funny about it, saying that he will now be the one to do the food shoppping & get things for dd as its his money. I got upset this morning and said well you say that "things will be ok" I am worried that we wont have enough money for food etc so can you explain how & he said that he doesnt have to justify himself to me. At this point I got up & walked out of the room.

So really am I expected to just sit back and wait to see if we manage or not? Wait to see if he gets around to doing the shopping rather than 'trusting' me with the money to do it? He is now acting like nothing has happened 'come here and give me a cuddle' I mean WTF??!

I have never posted on here before about my DH but honestly I feel sick about this. I think it has certainly put the nail in the coffin as to whether i would ever feel I could totally rely upon DD financially and stay at home to look after children.

Any advice from anyone? I dont want to have a big blazing row but he doesnt seem to get it. I have tried to check to see if I can get any tax credits but I think due to DH's salary we wont be entitled.

Can you have another go at explaining calmly to him why you are worried?
It seems rather odd to me that he so secretive about his finances.

Is he the only one that's secretive about his finances though? Your reference to squirreling away money could mean that you are not that open too (or it could just mean you are saving). Don't think joint accounts are necessary - DH and I have been together over 25 years and we don't use a joint account but I do think you need financial honesty and a fair division according to your income. Why don't you sit down and put all your income, assets and spending on a family spreadsheet and start from there.

If he still doesn't want to be open I suggest you tell him you will be cutting short your maternity leave so you can have some financial independence and you expect him to pay for half the childcare (or whatever is fair) on your return. Also, a little tip, if he is generous out of the home in front of friends and family, don't collude and hide it if he's unfair with money at home e.g. if someone says why are you cutting short your maternity leave, tell them DH doesn't think he should support me financially to be at home with our child.

Good grief he is being a total git! Did you not discuss this all prior to ml starting?

Id also question why you did not even discuss this before getting pregnant, how things would work out.

You need to be able to have access to money in case you need things.

Just keep on at him until he tells you properly how things are going to work out.

You need to know for peace of mind.

It strikes me as maybe he has debts that you don't know about? Gambling, or just something else?

May have the wrong end of the stick but this isn't normal behaviour this secrecy, and not telling you anything. I think you need to dig deeper and prepare for an almighty row if you have to. You need to know.

Huh? Have I got this wrong? I ead your OP as meaning you pay into the joint account for food, etc, and he doesn't. Also that he's refusing to do so unless he gets total control over what is bought.

If I've got that right, I'm VERY worried for you! This is serious. You definitely do need that blazing row. Don't budge an inch. Good luck.

Hi everyone & thanks for replies,
Couple of things to clarify

Squirelling money away , i meant every last bit I can Into an isa which he knows about so that i can continue to pay loan etc when I have no income rather than expecting him to pay. We have one joint acc but I am the only one who pays into it - he directly pays mortgage etc. We both get paid into our own accs as we both still had some debt to pay off and then pay our on c. cards etc out of our own money.

We did discuss this before I went on mat leave & given both of our salaries I thought it would be fine. I explained how much things like the council tax were, and he knows how much i put into the joint acc for food. I thought he understood, we both understood.

Ladylapsang - have been on about a spreadsheet setting out all of our finances for a while, even before i was pg. Think its a great idea - I have nothing to hide at all. Sometimes I feel like i am really really hard up at the end of the month and he'll be able to go buy a new pair of shoes for £100. He just wont seem to budge on opening up about things. Also hate the thought of cutting my mat leave short but would be using my mum for childcare initially when I return to work so would be very lucky there in that i wouldnt have to pay anything.

During the day today he's tried to do the old 'oh yeah sorry about earlier" just to brush over it all. But this is REALLY important. So I just said I am really upset still and until he can explain why he said what he said and what we are doing about money I dont have anything to say. He then said What do you mean, but its quite obvious that this is what I mean and that he its his default answer for blood everything! Exactly what you say fabby i need to know for peace of mind. Not so that I can spend all of his money or whatever he thinks. he said that the money he earnt from the extra work this week he wanted to use for things for us for our day to day bill but couldnt say what. i specifically asked does he mean we cant afford to pay our day to day bills or where are we falling short and he replied no. So how can it be for day to day bills then??

garlic yes i paid into the J. acc for food etc & he pays other bills. what I dont understand is things hve been working really well since ive been at home in terms of getting the shopping in, getting organised, not buying too much or too little - this is important to me especially as i do try to budget and we are weaning dd now. - i want to know that we have the right stuff around.

There is something wrong in your marriage if you are hard up at the end of the month and he can afford £100 on shoes.

That is not on. Especially now you have a child.

Hi OP,

I sympathise with the position you are in, and am very concerned that you are referring to DH paying for certain things and you paying for other things - surely ALL the money you both earn is treated as joint money? How else can things possibly work in a marriage?

I agree with others, you need to have that blazing row right now.

Do you know exactly what your monthly outgoings (i.e. for the whole family) are? Or is your DH in charge of that?

Your idea of a spreadsheet is a good one. DH and I have one. We both overspend occasionally but it works for us. There are loads of websites that can give you tips on how to draw up a budget spreadsheet. I bet there's one on MoneySaver.

Xales - yes i see what you mean. Its one of those things I guess I have let slide, he earns more than me and does pay the majority of the bills etc.

Mrs Moppet- Honestly you saying that is so true. I should be joint money and i have suggested time and time again that the bills, all of them, come out of a joint account. somehow he has never got around to sorting this out and i have run out of steam to go on about it.

Yes a bit fan of the moneysavingwebsite and have suggested that we fill that out together, i have my own one. I know roughly the outgoings, he moaned before that I didnt have a clue about these things and that I seemed to expect money to turn up when we needed it but thats really unfair as ive always tried to budget and have always asked what we are paying for xyz- about getting cheaper deals on utilities & house insurance but for whatever reason it always seems to be something that he needs to do. Honestly I am hearing myself type this and If i was one of my friends id be sitting here shaking my head.

We have now had a bit of a talk [hmmm] he has jsut said that he has some savings which i did know about but thought he had ceased paying into as he took a permanant job (previously he was self employed but still on a good wack). But now he cant tell me what he has in his ISA [hmmm] Oh fuck here we go again.

he said he would prefer not to use the money that is in the ISA, just to work extra hours to earn more money to make up for my shortfall. However, if your wife is awake at night worrying about having enough money in the next few months and you have at least £10k (at the very very minimum based upon how much he has saved this year) saved away, why wouldnt you reassure her??

I am running out of energy to talk/ argue now. And certainly running out of respect for DH.

Agree the best way forward is to complete as much as you can of the money saving expert budget then get dh to do the same.

If he refuses you can says that your marriagee is a partnership and having kids means that you need to make financial decisions together.

You can agree to both keep your own accounts and your own money on a fair basis but also need to agree how to manage family expenses.

TBH if you can't sort this out together it isn't a functional marriage imo. You are absolutely right to push for a resolution.

Done a quick run through of the buget on MS website with DH. He hasnt really taken part in it though just begrudginly shouted the bills and his payments etc across the room. A rough idea says that we underspend - thats with me in receipt of maternity pay not full pay and includes all household bills, loans and cc's. I am not suprised. DH earns a v good salary. So much so that he had 'forgotten' that he had £600 per month going into his ISA. i kind of think if you forgot aobut it and still managed to pay all your bills and buy more sodding shoes that you are doing ok. He also recently sold his van - for cash, when i asked what the money was going to go towards he said to "pay some credit card things" vague again.

Wondering about your functional marriage comment now fatty. But where do you go to next when you just feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall?

You both used to have credit card debt - do you believe he's really kicked the habit? Could that be where the £100 shoes are coming from? Could he be hiding new debts from you?

I am trying to come up with reasons why someone would be so secretive in the face of your very reasonable concerns. All I can come up with is 1) he is accumulating new debt and is embarrassed about it 2) he doesn't trust you (have you run up crazy debts before?) or 3) he is considering leaving you and wants to keep a nest egg he won't have to share. I really hope it's none of those, I'm sorry. But his attitude is really unfair to you.

You know, during the divorce process both partners have to make full financial disclosure on the Form E.

Not that that is in the least bit relevant in this case, of course, I just thought I'd mention that...

Erm, you demand complete and utter financial openness and clarity. FFS - you're a MARRIED couple not flatmates.

You get online, open his accounts together and look through them!

I've just gone on maternity leave and after my ML pay runs out my DH will take over my share of the mortgage and bills. Its been very clear from the beginning of my pregnancy that my DH would take over my obligations to the share of the mortgage and bills I used to pay without question, its certainly not something I've had to worry about and isn't that how it should be ???

He is being very cagey about his money as though he feels you have no right to know what he does with it.

£600 into an Isa a month is a huge amount, maybe he can half that.

I hope he realises that if anything happens between you being married means you are entitled to half of his savings if you divorce. In his name or not, the same goes for your savings.

mini yep thats how it should be.

Tonydanzer No i dont think hes used his cc, I just feel like whatever he needs money for he has it.

squitten i said exactly that in our 3rd chat this evening. That it wasnt fair on me or dd, we need to provide for dd together. I really feel a bit stupid here and that i should have jumped on this a long time ago.

my plan now is to bang on about the joint acc - also the other money saving things like utilities etc. he isnt secretive about bank statements etc so can check those out later and have a "tidy up" of the paperwork.

There does seem to be a feeling that he doesnt want to dip into the savings which of course i do understand but only to an extent. you use them if you need to dont you?
I really do appreciate everyones advice & the time you have taken to reply.

Hi, I am watching this thread with interest, as my DH is exactly the same with money. It does not bode well for a marriage, I have tried to get him to be more open with his money the whole time we have been married (5 years).

He is very, very mean careful with his money, and is known for this amongst our family and friends. Even my SIL has told me she feels embarrassed by his constant money saving and meanness with money :(

When I was struggling on satutory mat pay with DD1, and asked him for more money so I could pay food bills, he refused, and said I needed to budget better!

Anyhow, I generally found, he is mean when he is the only one earning, or has lots of outgoings. I am back at work now, earn a similar amount to him, and he has never questioned what I spend my money on. Occassionally, he actually talks to me about money (not very often admittedly).

Perhaps the 'strain' of supporting you is making him uncomfortable, and, if not causing the situation, then exacerbating it?

Good luck with it, I don't know what is wrong with men who seem to think this is an acceptable way to behave with their partners (and mothers of their children), but, sadly, like you, I appear to be married to one of those men.

I do continue to bug him constantly about this, so hoping it will improve over time. I do find that the more money 'aware' or savvy I seem, the more he opens up with me. Perhaps it's a throwback to his parents way of dealing with finances, if dad does money and mum does the house?

I think you need to talk to him about the credit card debt. Unless you know how much he actually has in the savings accounts, transferring £600 pm may not mean much as he could be taking some / all of it out again - this could also explain why he wants to pay or food etc. Personally I wouldn't pay money into a joint account that he has access to if he won't do likewise. Just pay the bills you are responsible for directly from your own account. If he picks up some shopping you can transfer the money to him when you are given the bill, if he queries this then just tell him you need to look after your interests. If you haven't already got a will maybe you should suggest you get one (in a few weeks when he doesn't connect it with your finances), he will then need to complete a form with all his assets.
Suggest until you resolve the issue of money that you shouldn't have another baby and make sure you look after your own financial interests - make sure ISA contributions are equal and you have good pension provision - being financially independent may make things more equal between you.