Difficult one- is the problem my relationship or is it my depression?

[timetocallitaday]

This may get rambly so apologies in advance. I've been with my dp for 11 months, I have 2 dc of my own who are 3 and 8. My exp left while I was pregnant with my youngest and I dealth with the fallout from that quite badly, resulting in a very bad few years of depression, anxiety and anorexia. I got help, including CBT and am considered in recovery, and have been feelign better. But I can feel things beginning to slip and I know when I do know I'm going downhill I should look and see what the real problem is, as it's never about the food.
I should be happy really. I do wonder if my problem is just that I don't believe I don't deserve anyone's love so I am sabotaging my chance of happiness. But then I wonder if it really is this relationship that's making me unhappy. We have taken it incredibly slow and have dealt with lots of things along the way. This is the first long term realtionship for him, and at first he had problems with erectile dysfunction which we worked on together and now seem to be resolved. But I put his needs first in an attempt to help this, but sadly I think I set the precedent. He doesn't really make the effort for me in bed, and I have begun to be resentful of it really, even though I'd be uncomfortable with him paying that much attention to my body. It also occured to me that actually, it's been important for me to know that my body is my own. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone who's never had an eating disorder, but there are times when tbh it is easier to just deny you have a body (see, sounds crazy ) so having someone touching it has disturbed me a few times. Not in an inappropriate way, just in making me realise that it's there. I don't even know if that makes sense.
Another issue that I'm finding diffucult is that he obviously has food issues of his own. He has been on a 'diet' since we met, but can never stick to it and it's beginning to annoy me, when I know it's absolutely none of my business. And I do know that it says far more about me than it does him that I have an issue with it.
The last few days I've been really low. We went to see my family for a few days last week and they think he's great. He is great. I just feel a little seed of discontent, and I don't know if it's me or us. I know I'm an overthinker, and I know I've gotten very used to being independant and on my own. I cannot bear to think of him doing more than his fair share. He got up with the dc at 6am last week to let me sleep, and I felt so damn angry and apologetic that he'd not just woken me up. I don't want him to resent me being lazy.
I know I have to speak to my counsellor after the holidays to help me through with all this, but I don't know what to do in the meantime. I really thought I was doing much better. I just feel like I have to choose between an eating disorder and him. And right now, the ED's winning :(

TRY to stay on an even level as much as you can, your thought's will try to run you futher down if you are in such a sensetive state.
Nothing you have said says anything bad about you, but the fact you will see a councellor is fantastic and if I may say needed just to clear your though's.
All the best :)

1. Yes, you need to learn to love yourown body. As you're aware, this will take time & patience :)

1. He should make more effort for you in bed. Are your self-esteem issues preventing you from communicating with him about sex?

1. Please interrogate thoughts like "I don't want him to start resenting me" because that's your inner critic talking. Your 'critic' is trying to protect you, but it's really not up to her/him/it to decide what your partner feels. Ask it to wait & see, give DP a chance. It's most likely DP gets pleasure out of doing little things for you.

1. I think I may have posted to an earlier thread of your about his diet. Personally, I can't imagine having been in a relationship with someone who had food issues while I was recovering from anorexia. I think you're VERY strong to have kept steady throughout this! I think the least you can do is ask him to keep quiet about it.

1. Great, doo see your counsellor! Good luck; I feel you deserve some self-praise, not more anxiety :)

You're right garlicbutter, on all counts. He just called and I realised I do have that little heart flip of love when I speak to him, so actually I think I am probably looking for excuses to find fault. My 'inner critic' is my own worst enemy. My counsellor calls it 'mind reading'. I realsied he'd got up with them, my first reaction was to apologise and assume he'd be really peed off. When actually, it would have been pretty easy for him to just go back to sleep like I did . All he's said was 'you need your sleep so I got up with them', which is hardly the actions of a horrible guy is it? And it's true, I do need my sleep at the moment, I've become a horrible insomniac again, which isn't really conductive to deep rational thought.

:) You're not a horrible insomniac! You're a perfectly all right person, with anxieties that keep you awake. No big deal, everyone gets it at times. Just breathe steady when you go to sleep, watch the patterns inside your eyelids, make a smile on your face and keep your thoughts small. We all do that, too :)
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