New friend concerned for dd wwyd

[startingovernow]

Dd (4), ds (5) & a little 6 yr old boy were playing today. I don't know the other boy very well, I know he comes from a very troubled family but have found him to be lovely. They were playing away happily for about an hour when they started playing hide & seek. Something about the boy's demeanor suddenly changed & I found myself watching a bit more closely. He asked my dd to kiss him which I thought was so cute but still felt there was something a miss with him so continued to keep a close eye on them out the window as they were in the garden. He told ds to close his eyes & count & that he & dd would hide. He brought dd around to the side of the house & I ran upstairs to look out the landing window. I nearly got sick when I looked out the window & saw that he was kissing dd is a really really sexual way. I have never seen a child behave in such an overt sexual way. It took me a while to react I got such a shock. I then called out the window & said xxxxx stop kissing dd.

Please do not flame me for forming a judgement on this. I am not a hysterical mother but I know what I saw with my own eyes. I have a lot of experience with children but this boy has deffinately been exposed to sex in some way (witnessing parents?? TV??). My question is how would you deal with something like this? I am now extrememly concerned about having him around my dc's.

Starting I know you very well from our thread and you are not given to over reaction. I would have been very concerned as well.

I'm not very wise but I'm sure someone will be along soon - but that is very alarming. How's DD about it all now? Did he leave straight away?

I think your motherly instincts were spot on.

you could call someone to chat about it?

there are charities that specialise in the sexual behaviour / concerning behaviour of children (Stop it Now - 0808 1000 900 for example)

I don't know what else to suggest really.

by the way - by putting that phone number, I'm not saying there is abuse here. Just that it's a dedicated team to discuss concerns, that's all

Oh thank you so much ladies, NSPCC sounds like a good bet. I was so afraid to post this as I was afraid I would be flamed for judging a little boy to be sexual. Tbh I just feel sick about the whole thing.

Lewis, it seemed more like he was copying something he'd witnessed/seen if that makes sense.

I found Stop It Now a lot easier to talk to than nspcc .

Well done for listening to your gut . I think ill probably get flamed but i would discourage them playing together from now on. From being quite small one of mine often made freinds with kids from troubled familys . The kids were always nice initially , but we always got burnt in one way or another .

Initially i thought it sweet that mine didnt follow the crowd and exclude them because of their familys , and that i didnt listen to the local goss , but in hinsight it was a mistake . Troubled parents produce troubled kids , sad as it is.

Sugar, it is hard to explain this but it wasn't an innocent game that got out of hand. I have an older child too (11) & have had years of innocent games etc but this was entirely different. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Diggs, you have hit the nail on the head really. There was a part of me felt protective over this little boy due to his family circumstances. Now however I am really afraid of what my own dc's could be exposed to due to the friendship. I find it heartbreaking for this little boy but think you are probably right that I need to discourage the friendship. How the hell do I explain this to my dc's though?? Oh christ I feel terrible at the thought at turning him away etc. I had thought that in future I would encourage them to play out the front on their bikes so it would be easier to keep an eye on them.

I don't think I have a Stop it Now where I'm located but certainly have NSPCC. Now that you've all helped me think straight about it I also realise that we've good community services here that might be even more appropriate. Will make a few calls on Tues when services are back & see what advice I receive.

Stop it now are a charity that have a national helpline , theyre very good . Nsppc want to assess the seriousness of the incidant , and if its not deemed serious enough your off the phone . Understandable i guess , but i needed someone to talk it over with and i found stop it now very supportive which is what i needed at the time . Things like this are a far cry from adult - child abuse , but its still really upsetting and a chat with these people really helped me .

You can discourage this freindship by simply not playing out , your going out , watching tv , having freinds round or some quiet time . Your dcs will of course come into contact with him if they play out , so when hes around , you go out too , clean your windows or your car , do some gardening ect. Is this boy from your street or is he a " roamer " ?

You know , you can actually say that you dont want them to play together any more because of this incidant. Your their mum and its your call , you get to decide for them . You can tell them to be polite and kind when they see him but theres no more playing together . It seems really mean because these kids are already having a tough time , and i never wanted to do it because of that , but in hindsight i wish i had .

Mine continued to attract troubled kids right up to her teens , i think it was because she was kind and non judgemental , but in hindsight , i decided where she went , who with , what sort of clothes she could wear and what time she would go to bed ect , and i should have decided her freinds too , because being young , she did not have the skills to decide for herself . She ended up being exposed to situations and scenarios that she should not have been exposed to and i still feel bad about it.

Diggs thanks again for that explanation on Stop it now & also for sharing your own experiences. I've just spoken to a rl friend about it now too & she advised that I speak to the boy in private the next time he's down & tell him very firmly that he is not allowed to kiss dd & that if he does he will not be allowed to play with dc's.

This boy is a "roamer" as you put it. I have a big green area in front of my house where my dc's play or now in the fine weather they are allowed on their bikes in front of the house but it's an enclosed area & they are supervised. Tbh all of my dc's other friends are people they went to playschool or school with & I would know their parents very well & we organise play dates regularly. I think I will make the phone call on Tues & in the meantime monitor things closely.

Starting that sounds horrible. I would take the boy to one side and tell him clearly what you saw and that he's NEVER to do that again or there will be big trouble and that you'll be watching him in future. Poor little sod, he needs to know how wrong it is before he starts doing it to a DD of someone who's not as understanding and as kind as you are.

Thanks Sugar, yes it was amazing how sharp my instincts were. I could sense something wasn't right but couldn't pin point what way before he took her around the side of the house.

Ah Pink, thank you for the compliment. You are so right though that if I don't tackle this with him then he would most likely try to do it to another girl he comes in contact with. I was so emotional about it I wasn't really thinking straight & hadn't even considered that until my rl friend pointed it out.

Haven't seen him since so will just wait now till he turns up again. I have to say despite what happened I do feel v sorry for the little boy as he's only a baby himself really. It's so sad that adults screw up kids like this & worse that he is allowed to roam freely at only 6, his house isn't even close to mine

Despite all this though dd is my priority & I will be watching like a hawk when he comes around again.

Hi Starting - another friend who knows you well. You were completely in the right to watch carefully and shout down to the little boy to stop. Unfortunately I have a lot of experience of sexualised behaviour in children, as I teach/have taught some very disturbed children who have exhibited openly sexualised behaviour at school from a young age. It is so sad for these children. Unfortunately this type of behaviour is a very big sign that this little boy has been abused in some way. This abuse may be overtly sexual, or, as you said, it may be that he has witnessed sexual behaviour (although IME this would have to be over a period of time, as most children who accidentally stumble across their parents etc kissing or more do not then adopt this behaviour), or has been exposed to highly inappropriate material e.g. DVDs, porn on the internet etc. Unfortunately, this is not only very sad for this little boy, who is now processing this material / behaviour by trying to make sense of it in other contexts but is also very sad for other children who are party to his own behaviour. Although this may sound very harsh, and I am in no way saying that any of this is the little boy's fault, you cannot allow him to play unsupervised, even for a short time, with your children. I know this from having to supervise abused children at work. I would also suggest that you phone NSPCC, not only to get advice about him but also to get some advice about your dd, who will also have to process what has happened. However, I don't think that it will have had a massive impact on her as a one-off situation, so try not to worry. IME, contacting social services or the boy's school (who will in turn contact social services, as all children's agencies are now linked) is the best option. I would stress that this is in no way to label this boy or punish him but in order to protect him. By reporting it you are protecting him and no child related services will in any way "blame" him for his behaviour. However, as teachers we are trained in child protection and this type of behaviour is a very bad sign that something is not right at home and the child has to be protected in some way, initially with some further investigation. Hope this has helped x

I think your instincts may have been correct, and getting advice is the right thing to do, for the sake of the little boy.

However, Diggs, damn right you're going to get flamed.

"Troubled parents produce troubled kids" - bullshit. Sometimes this is the case, sometimes it isn't. What an awful attitude to have. For your information, I (and many other people I know) came from a very troubled family with all kinds of issues, but have never been in any kind of trouble myself. I am an educated, law abiding professional, and any children if yours would be privileged to mix with a child like I was. Sadly, lots of my friends had judgmental, snotty parents like you, and many children weren't allowed to play with me. Shame on you.

I'm with you on that one Loopy. This little boy has developed sexualised behaviour from somewhere but you cannot make assumptions. Teachers and other agencies are only concerned with protecting children when they see signs that something is wrong. They are not there to judge parents or children but to try and make things better, more manageable and more secure and stable for everyone.

Loopy , im not keen on being called snotty or judgemental . You might want to examine your own judgemental nature . I dont usually respond to unpleasant insults , but ill make an exception on this occasion because you are so way off the mark its unbeleivable .

Re your nasty " snotty " comment , i grew up in a family with serious issues , there was severe violence , social services involvement , regular police visits and arrests and some of the younger children were taken away by social services , very publicy . Things went on in my house that would make your eyes bleed if i wrote it here . I have never been in trouble , either then or now , but like your experience , other children were not allowed to play with me . Was it nice ? Not really . Did it make them snotty ? I wouldnt say so , id say they were interested in protecting their children from being exposed to the dreadfull things that went on in our house , and rightly so. Most kids arent allowed to watch stuff like that on tv ,let alone experience it in real life .

Shame on them for not wanting their kids exposed ? No. Shame on my parents for behaving like this , definateley .

I have already said that my dd has had many freinds from troubled familys , they have been very welcome here and have received lots of support from us . Having been that kid who no one wants to play with and having been judged by " snotty parents " as you put it , i made a decision to not do the same . Sometimes its worked out , other times it hasnt and my dd has been exposed , or heard of things she shouldnt have , which i regret massiveley . So snotty and judgemental ? You couldnt be more wrong .

Your point that not all children end up troubled is entireley correct , many like you and i are ok , many arent , thats the only bit of your post i agree with , i think the rest of it was judgemental and rude.