Am I over reacting?

[mrsallergy]

I am so unbelievably furious with my husband. Yesterday he lost his driving licence for speeding. This is the second time he has lost his licence in the last eight months. The first time was also for speeding.

I should mention that we live in one of the Scandinavian countries where driving penalties seem to be more draconian than in the uk. There is no points system here. If you are driving more then 30km above the speed limit the police take your licence from you on the spot. The first time, he lost it for two months. I don't know how long he will lose it for this time, or if previous offences count. We have to wait to receive papers in the post from the police, and then write in any mitigating circumstances and send them to the traffic authorities who decide the penalty (although I don't think they can give any less than a two month ban). This time he was overtaking a tractor, but there are no witnesses to corroborate that.

My biggest bugbear is that it seems to be me that carries the can for his behaviour. We send our son to the only English speaking school in the vicinity which is 30 miles away. My husband normally takes him in the mornings (it is near where he works) and I collect him in the afternoons. Now I will obviously have to do both runs, and with the traffic etc it will be at least a 1.5 hour reound trip which means our other dc 16 months old) will be in the car for three hours. The first time he lost his licence I was actually quite sympathetic to him as coming from a points system country I actually thought it was quite a harsh punishment for a first speeding offence. This time I have completely and utterly lost my sense of 'zen' about it. He is a native of this country and has grown up with this system and the penalties for speeding - why does he not take more care to control his speed?

He has taken our children to his dads summer house today (although his licence has already been cut up by the police he is allowed to drive for the next 48 hours before his ban kicks in). I was supposed to also go but i honestly cannot sit there and make pleasantries with my inlaws when i am this angry with him so I have stayed at home. His sister's dd has chicken pox and I have asked him to make sure that they won't be there when she is as our dc haven't had it yet and I am planning on flying to England next week with the kids to visit my mother who is immobile. He assured me they wouldn't be there, only I have just looked on facebook and my husband has updated his status to say he was on his way to the summer house and the father of his sister's dd has commented 'Then we'll see you soon!'. I rang my h straight away who said it wasn't true, but why would the father write such a thing then?

I am so furious with him, and now he is pissed off with me for being so cross. Am I overreacting do you think? I alternate between crying and feeling angry, I am just at the end of my tether and so frustrated with him.

wish we had that system here!!

Well, it doesn't seem to have any affect on my husband! Maybe the punishment should be to ban the spouse from driving - as it stands all that happens to this particular perpetrator is that he gets to skip the school run and gets to drink on a night out while I am the designated driver!

Good system. Wish we had it.

Sorry but 30k above a speed limit is masses. He obviously didn't learn from the first time.

He either doesn't know they are going or is lying to you. Sound like the only person he cares about is himself.

I would be livid on both counts if that were me! You are not overreacting. As for "overtaking a tractor", how fast do tractors go where you live? I can't imagine anywhere near the top speed limit for your DH to have to go faster than that to overtake.

I got a hefty speeding fine a few months back. My DH went ballistic and I never did it again. Speeding is not big or clever.

As for the Chicken Pox, if your DH has lied to you about the plans for the child being there, then you have every right to be mightily pissed off.

Sorry, I'm probably not helping much. For some reason, I am really mad with your DH and I don't even know him

No, he hasnt learned has he. There really doesn't seem to be any limitation to his self-confidence, and consequently he always justifies his actions because I don't believe that deep down he thinks he has done anything wrong. There always seems to be some reason which he thinks validates his actions (eg, this time he was overtaking a tractor). I don't know what to do. He has many many good qualities - kind, loyal, loving - but this aspect of him is maddening and frustrating. I'm sure I have maddening and frustrating qualities too though.

He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. How will he get to work without a car? Do you have good public transport? I would absolutely refuse to drive him anywhere, for a start.

I tried justifying my crazy driving incident by arguing that as I learned to drive in the middle east, that is just how I drive. Didn't go down too well with my DH

You will probably know this but if the dcs have come into contact with chicken pox they cannot fly at the moment, it is a communicable disease and as such you won't be allowed on the plane.

He will have to stay behind with them and you go to your mums on your own.

Agree with not giving him any lifts anywhere. My plan would be for him to carry on him taking ds to school on public transport. Really, it'll be great for ds maybe.
Pleasse look at the easiest and most convenient options for you and so not let his ban impact too much on you and dcs.

My plan would be for him to carry on him taking ds to school on public transport. Really, it'll be great for ds maybe.

Very good idea!

Last time he got to work by getting a lift with someone who lives near us. I often picked him up on the way back from collecting our son. I think he only took the bus a handful of times. Public transport is not good near us. We live in the sticks and there is a bus to the centre of town once an hour. Him and ds would then half to change to get to ds' nursery. They would have to get up at the crack of Dawn and whilst I think my h deserves it, I'm not sure how fair it is on my ds. Similarly, if I don't collect him on the way home, h will not get in till late, in which case I've done all the work getting the kids into bed etc. Either way it feels like more of a punishment for me than my h. I'm sure as hell I wont be driving him anywhere for his pleasure though. I really am so frustrated - it feels impossible to penetrate his self belief and get him to look at his actions.

Yes, I know we won't be able to fly if the dc have been in contact with chicken pox. That's why I will be so unbelievably furious with him if he's exposed them to it. My mum and dad were supposed to fly out here for ds' birthday this week, but my mum has parkinsons and her medication is starting to have little effect so she's been immobile the last couple of weeks and weren't able to come here. My mum was gutted, firstly for not being able to see the kids as planned and also because she is having to face up to the fact that in reality she probably won't be able to make it out here again - the parkinsons has really progressed now, she has reached the limit in terms of medication, and she is having to accept the huge impact it's having on her quality of life.

That's so sad for you OP. Have you told your dh exactly why you're so upset? and all the ways that it will affect you? I hope he just doesn't realise the impact his stupidity has on you, rather that just not caring. And I know this isn't very helpful but I don't know if I would be able to forgive the chickenpox thing.

how selfish.

if you have to do anything at all extra for the family because of h then you do not have time to do anything at all for h, including washing/ironing/cooking. make it so it is more convenient for you to eat with the children. oh and you are to tired from all that extra driving for sex got to make him feel the consequences.

don't suppose you are going to be driving him to see his family for a while, especially as you don't get to see yours are so tired with the extra driving.

grrr it is the ignoring you with the family that is really annoying.

You are so not over reacting. I suspect he is pissed off with you for daring to be annoyed over his stupidity when it comes to driving rules that he has deliberately gone against what you had said, regardless of the fact that it is going to affect and disappoint several other people if you can not fly.

He is an idiot. I would be hugely pissed off.

You must not do both school runs. He needs to get off his arse and work out how he is going to get his son to school since it is his fault and his alone that he can't drive him.

Twat.

You are not overreacting, your partner is a selfish asshole.

Putting his needs ahead of those who matter to him.

I wouldn't drive him anywhere at all.

If he has exposed your children to chicken pox he is an even bigger asshole.

You are not over reacting at all.

He sounds a selfish cunt.

You are definately not over reacting, men have a verry good way of making us feel like we are when they are quite clearly in the wrong, stick to your guns.

They are home now. I feel pretty certain there was no overlap between our dc and their chicken-poxed-cousin as the girls father 'checked in' on facebook at a shopping centre some miles away from the summer house when my husband had set off back home. I also asked my son if he saw his cousin at the summer house, to which he said no, and he is too little to understand the concept of lying so he generally tells the truth. My h is being frosty with me and I have retreated upstairs. He can get the kids ready for bed.