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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help has anyone on here ever dated a investment banker who travels like crazy

46 replies

supermummmy · 23/04/2011 12:51

I am so happy to be dating one of the nicest guys that i have ever met. but there THis a draw back he is a investment banker and he travels like crazy. He is senior level and is doing ok . the money does not interest me its him his so friendly and sweet and we are like twin souls. now for example he has traveled to new york then to la then to Houston i pray he will be back soon but that was all in a week. but we speak every day ether through emails or skype. the next step for us would be engaged and then marriage. please help has anyone dated a business man and how do you keep it special. i send poems and stuff but i spend most of my time missing him.

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 23/04/2011 13:30

Does he know those are the next steps?

How would you feel about living with someone who was rarely there?

Earlybird · 23/04/2011 13:33

How/where did you meet him?

How long have you been seeing each other?

bran · 23/04/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celibin · 23/04/2011 15:16

How long have you been seeing each other? does he send you poems, messages ,flowers etc ? Does he make you feel special? Has he spoken of his feelings for you? Do you know anything about his past relationships? I mean have they floundered due to his work pressures? Has he always done this job?I was with a v sweet guy from City for a while but we hardly saw each other. Fortunately he admitted he was twice divorced so I knew the score. We would meet say in a bistro on a weekday eve and he would buy me my favourites but then I would be left alone to finish it as he had to be up at 4am the next day for a flight to wherever. Quite frankly I think it is so rude to do this to anyone . V inconsiderate, like they only want a bit of you.
This guy chose career above all: he did not really want a true relationship after all. Good luck to him! I have more respect for the ones that go to callgirls etc actually

Original poster

supermummmy · 23/04/2011 16:53

he is really trying his best he sends me poems he will put his calls on hold for 2 hours at a time to talk to me and he will email me if his had a long day and did not get to me before he goes to bed. He has spoken about his feelings for me and he has one child who lives in the us. And gives me a constant up date of where in the us he will be. when he comes home he will turn his phone off for up to 3 days so we can spend quality time together. one time because he could not make a date that we had he rearranged it and flew over for 3 days to make it up to me. this may be crazy but we been seeing each other for 3 months. i send him pictures that he has on his desk at work and we use skype alot. his never been married. i hope this answers all the questions

OP posts:

Original poster

supermummmy · 23/04/2011 16:55

thank you so much bran as you have given me a idea of what it is like.

OP posts:

Kiwinyc · 23/04/2011 16:57

The only way you can be happy in this sort of relationship is to have your own life and interests and be independant and not rely of your partner for company. Once upon a time i wouldn't have thought i could have this kind of partner but my DH started a job in a different country and comes home for a long weekend every month. And its been fine, because our life continues as normal. We both still give each other emotional support though - but i had to ask for and remind him of that need because its very easy to forget whats going on back home.

Ephiny · 23/04/2011 17:01

If you don't feel he has the time to dedicate to you and to the sort of family life you want, you'd be better off finding someone with a more compatible lifestyle/career. Sorry if that's harsh, but as you've essentially been together a few weeks, it's better and easier to think about these things now than several years into the relationship/marriage.

jojowest · 23/04/2011 18:22

three months, you hardly see him and you are thinking about marriage already

madness!

coccyx · 23/04/2011 19:23

My friends hubby is an investment banker and spends most of his time at the bank!!!
Need to slow it down.....3 months,,,,marriage,,, you hardly know him

LadyLapsang · 23/04/2011 22:04

You have only known him a few weeks and he has a child with someone else - slow down. You call yourself supermummy, do you have children of your own?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 24/04/2011 02:32

Er, how well do you actually know this guy?

Because half my uni friends went into the City and none of them could ever, ever get away with switching their phone off for three whole days.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2011 02:40

Wouldn't it be 'an' investment banker. And why would such an individual be trawling online for 'dates'? I would not think that such an individual would be online for anything but to play someone and then I'd be having none of it. Sounds like a liar and a player to me. Investment bankers don't have to go online to meet mates and probably would not propose marriage in such a fashion.

LionRock · 24/04/2011 06:15

As someone who has done the job...

"he will put his calls on hold for 2 hours at a time to talk to me"
"when he comes home he will turn his phone off for up to 3 days so we can spend quality time together."
"one time because he could not make a date that we had he rearranged it and flew over for 3 days to make it up to me."

You've nothing to worry about - he'll soon be unemployed and then you can spend all your time together. There is no way an IB could do this and have an ongoing career. In fact few professionals could do that.

Bigleaf · 24/04/2011 06:57

Name changed for this as don't like giving out free ammunition . I've been married to an investment banker (in the media sense of the word- see below) for 4 years- been together 8, and we've got a 1 year old child and another on the way. I used to be in a similar role to him before I had DC's.

This does sound a little bit fishy, I must say. However, there are a couple of qualifiers

First of all, in what capacity is he an investment banker? The reason I ask is that often the word is used by the media/ lay person to mean someone who works in an investment bank (as opposed to a retail bank). However, within investment banks, the term is usually reserved for someone who works in Corporate Finance/ Corporate Broking/ M&A. So, for example, my DH works for an investment bank, but would not describe himself as an investment banker- he'd say "I'm in derivatives".

If he is claiming to be in Corporate Finance (ie describes himself as an IB), then the travel sounds feasible, but very little else does- especially the bit about being out of contact for days at a time- that just doesn't happen. In fact, there are few banking jobs where you could do that, but it's the most unlikely in CF.

I disagree with expat that IB's don't do online dating- in fact I have a few banker friends who met their wives/husbands through "My Single Friend"- however, I'd agree that they don't tend to trawl chat rooms. IB's are normal people- I know the media likes to portray them as rich and handsome evil geniuses but most aren't and they don't just walk into bars, say "Hey, I'm an investment banker" and people leap at them and beg to have their babies. The hours and unreliability do put a lot of potential partners off.

If he is genuine then basically, I'd agree with those that say you have to have your own life/friends, get used to holidays cancelled at the last minute and weekends/evenings alone with the kids. Personally, I don't mind that much as I've always been someone who likes/needs my own space plus I have help (no family close by) so I'm not 100% relying on DH for childcare and can get to the gym/ go out with friends or whatever. You have to make the most of the time you have together, but again, that can put pressure on holidays/nights out to be perfect as you don't have that much time.

On the upside, DH will probably be semi-retired at 45 so we'll have time then and of course, I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's nice not to have financial worries.

HTH

onadietcokebreak · 24/04/2011 07:08

I would say slow down and listen to the others who are questioning some of his behaviours. You are in the initial gushes of a new relationship- the potential cracks are only just starting to show. You need to know whether you can live with them them or not.

I agree I think you need to be the type of person who has their own life and is independent. You need to" not need" a man to be happy and confident in life. A nun should enhance your life not be your life iykwim. This is even more important if you are in a relationship with someone who travels alot for work.

Bigleaf · 24/04/2011 07:11

A nun should enhance your life not be your life iykwim

LOL- assume you meant "a man" although nun's have their uses

onadietcokebreak · 24/04/2011 07:20

Bloody iPod! Lol yes Man not nun!

caughtinanet · 24/04/2011 07:43

I'm also sceptical about what he's telling you, switching off the phone just wouldn't be possible for anyone in any kind of senior travelling role as you've described.

I'm not sure I understand your situation either - do you live together with his child ? Wouldn't it be more practical for the child to live with the mother, he's expecting a lot of you to be thesole carer of a child you've only just met.

ohgawdherewegoagain · 24/04/2011 07:53

CAUGHTINANET - I took the subject of where the child lives differently, albeit, not in capitals - the child lives in the United States, (I think.) Maybe OP could qualify for us?

mosschops30 · 24/04/2011 08:02

Sounds odd to me too although i know nothing about IB.
Youve been together 3 months but even then not together much but you think the next step is to be engaged and married, i think maybe you should slow down.
All the 'he turns his phone off for 3 days to be with me' sounds odd, wonder what hes telling his other girlfriend/wife 'sorry im in very important meetings now for 3 days so will just email when i can'

LynetteScavo · 24/04/2011 08:03

He has a child, but turns off his phone for three days at a time?

I would not marry any man who did this.

caughtinanet · 24/04/2011 08:04

ohgawd - yes, you're right, I've reread. I'd skimread the us and hadn't realised it meant the country

LynetteScavo · 24/04/2011 08:06

The OP said; "he has one child who lives in the us"

ohgawdherewegoagain · 24/04/2011 08:09

Caught - I had to read it twice to get the meaning as my first reaction was as yours, why is the OP looking after his daughter?

This thread is interesting to me as I am in the early stages of something with a guy that never seems to be at home. We're both older though with no dependant children. I understand the lifestyle as I used to travel myself but I gave it up to get some balance into my life. Am really wondering how we would fit together because of my commitments, and his! Oh well, if it's meant to be, we'll be able to work through this and find some time for each other.

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