Husband left me 6 months ago. I don't know what this means, if anything.

[SR09]

I've been married 33 years, was very happy, have 3 children, youngest 18 yrs old. We had a good life, had lots of shared interests, went out lots together. We were happy. If you'd have asked me if I trusted my DH I'd have trusted him with my life. Last October he went on a supposed corporate golf holiday. 5 days. He'd been doing lots of things not involving me from September onwards, but I suspected nothing. When he came back from his golfing break he told me he'd lied. Been with another woman who he was in love with and left me.

Lots of stuff has happened in the last 6 months, he is living with his new woman. He says he is trying to be happy. He says he loves me but is in love with her. I still love him, but am attempting to make a new future for me.

I've lurked on these threads for months, but now I need advice what to do.

We have a holiday home which I haven't been to since before I knew of his affair. He has taken OW here 4 times since then. Once I didn't know about and other 3 times since he left. I am here without him for the first time. I've looked on the laptop we have here, looking for evidence of his betrayal prior to October. I found nothing, but I did find an email he wrote to me but hadn't sent at the end of March this year:

Subject: Please do not reply to this

Hi Xxxxx (me)
Hope you are ok and your Dad and xxxxx.
I'vve had a drink....surprise surprise !?!

The weather is glorious

I am at the house...I keep seeing you and hearing you.

I have cried

My total focus for the last forever has been to keep the business alive an d surviving and thank fuck I tink it is.

I don't know why im sending this but i think i need to

i dont want a response, ypu should hate me

how can i love 2 people ??????????????????

sorry again

Yours totally fucj=ked up

Xxxx
XXX

I guess what I'm asking is what I should do. Was he feeling sorry for himself. Is he regretting his choice? Should I say anything to him about this? I love him, still can't stop thinking about him most of the time, although been trying to detach from him and I have become independent to a great extent.

What should I make of this (bearing in mind he didn't send it & has no idea I've seen his deleted draft). Sorry it's been long, could have been much longer if I'd written full background.

You poor baby.
No. DOn't refer to this email that he did not send. You see, the thing is, he did not send it.

The most significant thing in your post is that you say, despite loving him, you are "attempting to make a new future for me".

You can go straight to the top of the class for this.

Marriage is about the intention to stay together, forever, come what may.

When the other person breaks this deal, it is the hardest thing in the world to be able to say, as you did. that despite loving them you are "attempting to make a new future for me"

Brave, wise woman that you are. Don't be swayed by emails he did not send.
Happy new future

Wise advice, I think I knew it was meaningless in the scale of things. It's just feels rubbish that I think he knows he's thrown away something precious, even though he knows it's all gone too far. Just show though that even cheating husbands aren't totally heartless. If he was he would have sent it and given me some wild hope. As it is, I'm upset again - serves me right for snooping. Thank you for reply

I don't think he is regretting his choice yet as he seems to be having fun with the ow at your holiday home etc, however, he clearly still loves you and is regretting hurting someone he loves.

He must have been very happy with you but has been taken over with lust for this ow. These are exactly the ones that don't last as lust only has a short life span.

It's possible at some point when he's done being stupid and it's at that point it would be your choice what to do.

You are doing exactly the right thing in moving on and I know from experience how hard that is. Keep on living your life and moving forward and just forget the email for now. Take care of you.

Don't rule out the possibility he will want to return to you and your marriage.
But don't live in hope that he will. Be aware of the possibiltiy though.

How are your three children coping?

Our children ( 18 to 28) are ok, they love their dad but think he's done something vile. They won't talk about his new life to him, conversations pointedly ignore anything to do with his new life. To be fair he usually sticks to talking about them and their lives. It must still feel to him as if he is still leading a double life. It is a shame that a normal father / child relationship is reduced to superficial politeness.

i think bleedingstill's advice is perfect.

Actually, I think he has left it there deliberately knowing that you will see it. I think he can see that you are beginning to make a new life that doesn't include him and he doesn't like it - not enough to stop himself from still 'having fun' with the OW of course, just enough to plant a seed of doubt in your mind so that if things don't work out with OW, he can say, 'but I have been having second thoughts for a while, look, there is even an e-mail I wrote but didn't send you to prove it'.

Sorry, I think this is a controlling act on his behalf. And I think that in all the time I have been on MN, that is the first time I have ever said that about anyone!

Carry on building your new life. due to the ages of your DCs, outside of 'events', you actually don't ever have to see him again if that is what you choose. I think he has realised that and doesn't like it.

It would be a lot healthier if you didn't have to share that holiday home. I would hate to be somewhere where I'd been happier in earlier days and where my ex was now going with his girlfriend, the cause of the separation.

Please don't live in hope that you'll get back together with him. He has chosen to be with someone else - please don't accept you'll be second best.

So he got drunk and regretful, then he sobered up and didn't contact you. Always remember that. He wanted to say something, then stopped himself.

Well if he knew you planned to go out there he could have deliberately left it last time he was there to mess with your head.

Alternatively he could have been drunk and just had 5 minutes feeling sorry for himself have a think about it again it is all ME ME ME I I I with a little sorry again at the end for you to make you feel sorry for him after he has off loaded his crap on you.

Forget it.

Move on and carry on building your independence.

Good advice, could be true he left it for me to see, but more probable he was having a drunken sorry for himself moment.

This place of ours stirs lots of happy memories for both of us. We wouldn't be able to sell it at the mo without resulting in a financial loss (things aren't selling here without giving them away ). Until we can sell it I'm determined to enjoy it myself, & try not to let him spoil it for me.

I'll just ignore his unsent email, it means nothing. Thank you to everyone who gave me their insight into this. You all gave me things to think about, and I'll be looking at him with even more suspicion.

I also think he left it in the drafts because he knew you would look, especially if he knew you had plans to visit the next month.

The thing is, I'm sure he is conflicted. I expect this was probably a crush that got out of hand, at some level he's realised he's ruined his life and lost a great deal and is perhaps just edging out of the insanity that is an affair of this kind. It's possible that reality has at long last started to intrude on the fantasy.

I think you must ignore the E mail, but I wouldn't regret having seen it. It gives you valuable information about his state of mind and allows you to prepare yourself for the possibility that sooner or later, he might want to return. It gives you time and space to work out what you might do, if that happens. You've done all the right things in rebuilding your life and showing him that you can manage perfectly well without him and the added benefit of doing this is that regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you've created a good life that you will never want to give up again.

Hence, if he never comes back, you've still got a good life and if he does ask to return and you were willing to consider it, you can do it on your terms. For example, I always suggest in these cases that if an H wants to come back, he isn't allowed to walk straight back in the door, but is told to live on his own for a while. That he spends that time sorting his head out, rebuilding other relationships that were sacrificed for his affair and that any reconciliation is slow and conditional on lots of factors.

On the other hand, you might decide that you can never trust him again and don't want him back now. Either way, you win in this situation - you either get a much better marriage or a much better single life.

I feel much better for reading your post, WWIFN. I've read your advice on other threads, some of that advice I have used myself. I'm encouraged you think my future is / can be positive whatever happens. I'll keep doing what I keep doing, things to make me & my family have a good life

Hello OP.

I found a letter on our computor a few days after my H left following my discovery of his second affair and all the crap that goes with it.

He'd written it some weeks before. it was full of the sort of conflicted and self-pitying woes of a man who wanted his cake and to eat it too (but of course it never mentioned the affair).

He must have known that at some point I would go through all his folders because that's what happens when there's an affair - the cheated on get suspicious and begin looking.

I read the letter. Then I deleted it.

Should we ever get to the point where he is asking to come back ( and reconciliation is not what i want) - I will not mention that I saw it. what would be the point?

Hope you feel better soon.