On the verge of breaking up, please help

[dontknowwhattodo]

I am a regular poster and have changed my name because dh could see this.

I am so sad that I feel sick, have been having problems with dh which is coming to a head, because I have finally accepted that I do not love him or want to be with him anymore. We have 2 young children and have been married for 5 years, togther for 7.

The problem is he is impotent, its is by pure fluke that we have 2 kids, i must be extremely fertile, when we first got together we overcame the problem to a certain extent and I loved him enough to stay with him. I really believed that it would get better. To cut a long story short, it has not, not through lack of trying on my part. Have been to the gp who has suggested Viagra, which we have tried but in the meantime I have completely fallen out of love with him and cannot be close to him at all. I i was totally honest I am only here now because of the children.

We do not row all the time or anything like that, we talk about all the time but its getting us nowhere. The gp has suggested counselling for him but dh will not make an appointment, he makes excuses all the time mainly using workas the main one.

We recently went away for a few days on our own and I realised then that I would rather be on my own that with him, all that time togther and we had nothing to say to each other. We had a huge row and he promised he would sort it out but as yet has done nothing despite reminders from me. This hurts so much and I am at the end of my tether, I cannot push it away anymore.

Can anyone offer any advice or help? PLEASE

Oh DKWTD, you must feel terrible, I really feel for you. I would try and let DH know just how bad this is for you and perhaps once he realises that you are almost at breaking point perhaps he will persuaded to go that extra mile and book the appointment with the counsellor ? I'm sure that impotence is awful for him and he feels embarrased/ashamed about going to talk to a 'quack' about what happens in his head and his trousers.

From your last paragraph it is fairly clear that you're 98% resolved to finishing the relationship. IME those who 'stay for the children' often do more harm than good and so if DH again fails to make the appointment knowing your feelings (which are no fault of your own), perhaps it would be better to part for a little while.

So sorry and thinking of you. I'd push so hard for counselling but you do need to see the right counsellor. Don't know what advice to offer as my h left me and it really wasn't what I wanted. It's such a massive thing to do to breakup and you're obviously trying your best to put things right. Hope others have better advice.

Oh what a terrible situation DKWTD.

I'm sorry, I've got no experience of this. Do you feel that you would love him again if he got something done about the impotence (eg went for counselling).

Have you asked him why he feels he has this problem?

We have talked and talked, he knows how this is affecting me, I have been on prozac twice and not known why I was depressed but really it was staring me in the face all the time. I asked him today to come home so we could talk but he put the phone down on me, saying that if I really wanted this to work then I should make the appointment for him. But he does not realise that if counselling is going to work he has to want it to and by making the appointment himself prove to me that he means it.

When we went away he said that if i left him he would go an live in a bedsit somewhere and never love anyone else again because I am the only one for him and he loves me that much... We went away because it was out 5th wedding anniversary

Its sooo confusing I dont know which way to turn

DKWTD how very sad.

It must be very hard for your dh to come to terms with his problem and most men dont like to talk about what is going on/feelings etc as they see it as a sign of weakness. But he must take your opinion and feelings into serious consideration and seek advice.

I am not a great believer of staying "for the sake of the children" to me if 2 parents are happy and living apart they make happy children.Fighting and arguing has an impact on children. If you feel that way it is your choice and how you live your life. Do what you must to be happy.
Sorry cant help anymore.

without wishing to be at all critical, I honestly think you are loading too much importance and meaning on his making the appointment. If he is willing to go to counselling I think you should arrange it. this is because I imagine he is dying inside at the thought of telling a stranger about his sexual dysfunction and his emotions, and to possibly have to explain it all over the phone to a stranger might be more than he could bear. I think with the future of your relationship at stake, and two small children involved, you should make the appointment. At least then you know you've done everything you can and if the relationship ends you won't have any regrets. Your dh also sounds pretty depressed TBH. I recently heard the advice that it can be helpful to think of your relationship as a third person in your life, and instead of thinking I want this and my partner wants that, think, what does our relationship want. Yes it is an American concept and so a bit cheesy, but I think in your case, your relationship wants this appointment made, and doesn't care who makes it. It's clearly emotionally easier for you, so why not pick up the phone. You have nothing to lose IMO.

Well said Aloha.

Thanks aloha, I already have already reached that conclusion, and will do it myself, maybe an appointment for both of us might help me to understand.

Thanks everyone

Good luck. xx

I feel for you to DKWTD. I agree with Aloha in that you should just make the appointment for the both of you as he is probably mortified to do this on his own. Feel like a broken record with this. Have you tried a craniosacral osteo? This therapy works for many thingswhether this is an emotional problem or a physical problem, they might be able to get to the bottom of it very quicklyif he is willing to go. The very bottom of it is that I know you must not be able to help feeling that if he loved you enough, he would work on this problem and do everything that he could to please you. Clearly he is distressed about this also, just not communicating about it the way that we would.

I'm never a great advice giver DKWTD (simply not good at it in cyberspace) but along with my thoughts for you all I can offer is this.... A while back dh and I had a similar problem, where our entire life hung on this one matter, a problem of his.
It wasn't impotence but an anger mangement problem which also required an "appointment" for counselling made.
It really irked me at the time that I was the one making the appointment so I understand where you're coming from there, but in agreeance with Aloha don't make it into a challenge. Male pride is a funny thing.
I knew dh couldn't admit to or bring himself to make the appointment so I did it, then took dd and went to my mothers for a month . Since then gradually we've realised where we went wrong etc.
It's never going to be easy but if you believe you've tried everything to make things better and still feel unhappy then maybe a break will make HIM think too.
Take one day at a time, but in the end be true to yourself and how you feel.
Wishing you the best of luck ((((())))

DKWTD, have you told your dh that you are thinking of ending the relationship? Other than the impotence, are there other problems? Has he changed? Have you changed? Why do you no longer feel that he is the man you once fell in love with.
Going solo is a huge step to take. I wish you all the best with the counselling.

Just to update you all, I phoned to clinic to make the appointment and was told that the request had to come from dh, so no joy there, then went to see the gp who told me the same thing, so sat in my car and cried for ages before going home, just as I was parking, this is going to sound really cheesy but George Benson came on the radio singing 'never give up on a good thing, remember what makes you happy' So instead of leaving which was what I was going to do I waited for dh to come home to discover that he had made an appointment himself that afternoon, so anyweay we talked for hours and have made promises to each other and are going to be psoitive in the hopes we can salvage whats left of our marriage.

I had to be blunt with him and said that if he does not do the counselling then that would be the end and he now knows how serious I am so heres hoping he is true to his word.

Bugsy2, yes he has changed in other ways so this was not only about his impotence, so we have decided to both work at it, because its not just about him, it takes 2.

Thanks everyone for all your advice it really means alot to me. Wish me luck, the next few months are going to be hard work.

Dear DKWTD congratulations both of you, the step your husband has taken must have felt like stepping off a cliff (as far as his pride was concerned) this is the biggest step towards recovery for you both I hope everything goes well at your appointment.

Sounds like really positive steps forward to me DKWTD. Try and be patient and kind to yourself and each other. I wish you the very best.

DKWTD GOOD LUCK and all the best wishes in the world
Hugs and love
doormat
xxx