Confused. Do I still Love DH? Marijuana Issues?

[BeingDramatic]

I feel wretched writing this post, I feel confused and not a very nice person.
Married to DH for 11 years with 3 gorgeous children. We've had our ups and downs as most people do. Three and half years ago I wanted to end our marriage, there were so many things about DH I was gravelly unhappy about. With marriage counselling I gained a new husband, really I did and our 3rd child was born into this new found love.
In RL and on Mumsnet I have heard/read some heart wrenching marital tales, so why am I still griping?
I don't mean to be cold but so that this post does not turn into a novel I'll bullet point.
:)Pros
Works hard
Ambitious
Is madly in love with me
Adores his children
Children adore him
Loved and trusted by my family
Generous
Funny
Trustworthy
I have social freedom
Will vacuum entire house in one go
Makes me cups of tea
Will buy me chocolate upon request - day or night
:(Cons
Smokes Marijuana
Paranoid
Monopolises weekend lie ins
Teases me, upsets me, calls it a joke
Always seeking reassurance of my affections, physically
Gropes me constantly, even when I'm asleep
Has become fat
Wastes home cooked meals
Snores
Bad memory
Invades my personal space, constantly
Doesn't support my working (been working for 6 months)
Doesn't 'appear' to listen to me (too busy groping me)
Ridicules my TV subject interest
Never gives a straight answer
Talks constantly about work - in depth, technically
Talks over the top of documentaries
Compared to others who are heading towards the end of their relationship my gripes feel pathetic and perhaps I should get a grip.
When we had counselling we were equipped with the tools to discuss any niggles but I just cannot tell him anything that's niggling me, he gets all 'wounded puppy' and before I've even finished what I need to say he quotes the same old tired line, 'What have I done wrong this time?' or 'Yeah, it's always my fault'.
He is a totally different man smoking marijuana vs. not smoking marijuana. He's had mental health counselling and knows what his issues are.
He promised he'd stop smoking when he started his new job nearly 3 months ago and hasn't. To stop me going on about it he said that 'my' constant reference to 'his' smoking was putting him under pressure and reminding him of his addiction and not helping his quitting cause and that he was always trying to make me happy and if his efforts weren't good enough he'd move out but remain an emotional and financial feature in our lives. A veiled ultimatum?

lots of your cons are symptoms of middle age unfortunately!

I would be harsh with him, and give him the ultimatum of your family or your drugs.

And mean it too.

Hi BD, my exh smoked marijuana so I understand a bit of what you are going through. Nearly all of the cons you listed about your DH can be attributed to the effects of smoking marijuana. My ex started smoking it while going through a period of I'll health. I was at that time unaware of the side effects of taking it or I would have helped to encourage him to stop it.

It is a very powerful drug which in some people can change their whole personality.

Does he want to stop smoking it do you think? Is getting professional help to stop? As he has already seen the MH team maybe they could offer him some support to quit?

It is horrible living with someone who has side effects from smoking marijuana. Your list of cons sounds just like my ex! He totally changed personality after smoking for a while.

I really hope that you both can get support for this.

Was he into marijuana when you met him? Is this a new thing for him? Personally I couldn't have marijuana in the house with my children but if he was already into it when you met him then you would cope with it in your own way I suppose.
I did when you posted 'has become fat' as a con

Thanks for your replies at this late, late hour.
Am36butfeel66 was your ex also sexually overt? He moans that I never reach out to him or make the first move I'm constantly on the receiving end of sexual comments and sexual contact that it leaves me not wanting to be touched at all. TMI but I even woke in the middle of the night with his fingers inside me. He apologised profusley the next day, had no recollection of it. He wants to stop smoking but won't open up to professional help, he never finishes his own mental health counselling.
LadyCornyOfSilk we both smoked I stopped 12 years ago. The effects that smoking has on him only became apparent when we became parents. Irritable, no patience, lethargy. We were always into excercise and eating well but when he comes home from work he passes my home cooked meals and heads straight for the crisp and biscuit cupboard. The buttons on his shirt gape.

did you discuss the sex stuff/invading your space when you had counselling?

'I just cannot tell him anything that's niggling me, he gets all 'wounded puppy' and before I've even finished what I need to say he quotes the same old tired line, 'What have I done wrong this time?' or 'Yeah, it's always my fault'.'

Tell him to stop playing the bloody martyr. Don't let the wounded puppy act stop you having your say. Don't pander to it.

As for him groping you, especially at night. That's totally out of order. Tell him directly and straight to his face that you might be more inclined to respond to him if he looked more attractive. Be blunt, tell him he's fat and it's a turn off.

He needs a sharp dose of reality. I speak as a fatso myself but at least I am aware I'm fat and don't try to force unwanted attentions on my DP.

I guess the smoking dope is part of the issue, if you could take that out of the equation there would still be other issues, perhaps he feels smoking 'chills' him out but it does bring its own issues.
My (trying to be ex) has smoked for years and is clearly addicted to it and the effects on him and his family have been devestating, but there were/are still other issues which on their own were too much to bare.
Perhaps try and think selfishly do you want another 5, 10, 15, 20 years like this? Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal?

Best wishes

My dp is similar, in that the world revolves around him and his needs and wants when he is smoking. He has finally given up, thankfully, after years of heavy use, and I'm seeing a slow but steady improvement in the choices he makes in relation to us, to his work and his leisure time. It took us being inches away from splitting up, counselling, and some plain speaking from me, plus a lot of commitment from him. Like you, I used to smoke a bit, but found it very easy to stop when children were on the horizon, whereas he didn't make the 'maturity jump' required to realise that this was just one of the ways our lives needed to change and he couldn't be a perpetual student (albeit with a good job - I mean in his attitude to life and responsibility!).

If he hadn't made the effort to change things, I was very clear that we would split up.

My ex actually went the other way with sex..he became impotent and had therefore no desire to touch me at all. But I do know that for some people it causes increased libido and sexual arousal.

He really needs to be encouraged to stop smoking before it effects his personality forever. My ex developed a serious mental health problem, which his psychiatrist attributed to his smoking. He already had a mild depressive illness when we met, but following the marijuana his mental health deteriorated completely. He became paranoid and violent...

Is there any reason why he never finishes his counselling? Does he not like the counsellors etc? I know that for me personally I have depression (PTSD too) and it took me a while to find someone that I was comfortable to talk to. Counselling is very personal, and in my experience if I did not like the counsellor I wouldn't talk..but trying new counsellors really helped as I found a great one.

He really needs to know that it is totally wrong for him to touch you when you are asleep etc.. He may be having delusions caused by the smoking, and he needs to know how strongly you feel about this, as you don't want it to happen again, or get worse...

bump

Am36butfeel66 he was diagnosed as suffering from depression 6 months ago (I knew he'd been depressed for a long time) and prescribed anti-depressants, he wasn't smoking at the time and the effect of the medication was dramatic, it really helped him see through the smog but then one joint turned into buying it again.

I attended the first couple of his most recent Mental Health Counselling sessions, he knew I wanted him to see it through to the end. The counsellor however, didn't think my presence was productive and asked me not to attend, low and behold two more sessions and he hasn't seen her again. A couple of months ago he said he needed to talk to her and not getting the appointments that fitted in with his work schedule he developed a 'what's the point attitude' and didn't pursue it.
I'm desperate to talk to him, I really am but he'll just be so, so upset that I'm not happy and it'll just turn into a 'I'm' always looking for something to complain about and, '...why don't you look at how such and such treats his wife...' etc.
On the surface he's a good and hardworking husband.

He may appear to be a good and hardworking husband, and I am glad you have that side of him, but you have to remember that there is another side to him. Your list of cons in your OP is longer than your list of pros.....

I know it is hard to talk to someone who is like this...my ex was always better with words and arguments than me and I never felt that he saw my side of it at all as it always turned around to how badly treated he was by me!..instead of the other way round.

I have no suggestions of how you should bring this up with him, but you know him better than anyone...you deserve to have a husband who is there for you all the time...not just when he is not smoking.

I am always worried when I hear of people smoking marijuana as I have lived with someone with the bad effects of it, and I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone else. My ex is an ex not because I didnt love him anymore, but because staying with him would probably have resulted in serious harm to me..due to his marijuna induced mental health. He developed paranoid psychophrenia and a lot of his dellusions revolved around his fear that I was cheating on him...I wasn't....but that didn't stop his thoughts...or fists..

he sounds like a big baby.

don't pussy foot around him, it's just wasting time. get to the point and don't be apologetic.

Google narcissistic personality
Does it fit at all? - just wondering from what you said about the "cons"

Op , im horrified by the incidant you describe where you were asleep . Its assault . Im also horrified by the constant groping and sexual remarks that your having to put up with . Your bodys your own and you shouldnt be having to put up with this.

He sounds like hes manipulating you when you try to raise things , dont allow this for one more day . State firmy that the groping and comments stops , if he assaults you in your sleep again hes out. The wounded puppy act is actually quite ugly and manipulative , and i dont doubt he knows your thoroughly pissed off , hes simply developed this poor me attitude as a way to not listen to you.

Never mind that he,ll be upset to hear that you upset , theres a simple solution , he stops doing it .