feeling of 'grief' at isolation from family.

[OnMeTod]

By that I mean parents and siblings.

My mother had 8 of us by 3 different fathers and we have never been 'close' even while growing up in the same house. I was always the black sheep, especially as a teenager, and this has been further compounded by my marriage (very happy) to a 'foreigner'. I have put up with subtle digs about him for years, although they were always nice to his face.

My siblings have never taken much of an interest in my 4 DCs, in fact my last one was not even acknowledged by half of them as apparently I had enough, what did I want another one for? I have not lived in the same town as them for 18 years and 5 of them have each been to my house once/twice in all that time (live near to a major airport though so that was a reason for at least 3 visits). 2 of them have never been to my house ever. I always gone back to our home town very regularly to meet up until I was told I had too many kids so no one could put me up . My parents (mother and stepfather) have always shown blatant favouritism to their grandchildren from their own 2 children together when they have in the past forgotten my DCs birthdays completely. My siblings have never given my DCs a birthday card/present unless we have been visiting at the time of their birthday. 3 out of the 7 never used to get them Xmas presents either.

Anyway last year I decided to have it 'out' with my mother and stepfather about my, in my mind, abusive childhood. Basically I was very disturbed as a child due to my parents (real father and mother) divorce and the scenes of violence before that. I was the youngest and very close to my real father at that point. I was and still am an anxiety laden, supersensitive freak for want of a better word! I was seen by them and my siblings as a freak, wierdo whatever and was blamed for every bloody thing. I still cannot understand why they never tried to help me with counselling or whatever. So I confronted them and they disagreed and said it was all me of course. The siblings were and still are furious I upset my them and we have basically cut all contact. No Xmas cards. presents for DCs etc.

Now Easter is here and I feel so so sad that I can hear my neighbours in their gardens having bbqs and fun with relatives/friends (I don't have any either just acquaintances as we have recently moved but I am working on it) and their friends telling them that their Grandma and Grandad/Aunties and Uncles have got them loads of Easter eggs.

Why did I have to have such a shit family . I actually feel grief for the family I should have had.

Sorry very self indulgent post but I want to cry for my DCs as well as myself.

Oh and my 'real' father who I recently got back in contact with (another bone of contention) really does not give a shit either, not that I want a relationship with him anyway. He married someone else shortly after the divorce and brought up her two children. They will always come first apparently. It would have nice to know he was interested in my family though.

Are you me?!

Totally natural to feel grief for the family you should have had.

Shitty luck that you got born into the one you did - and became a convenient scapegoat for all their ishoos.

I too found my 'real' father, who sadly turned out not to be my real father, but was lovely, bless him, but sadly very ill and passed away last year.

You have to tell yourself (repeatedly, until you really feel it) that you are yours are too good for your biological family, stuff 'em, even if they were interested, can you imagine that they would be kind, supportive, loving? Would they pop round for a BBQ and games in the garden? Would they buggery, the poisonous bastards.

You are grieving the fantasy family you should have had - but you do have a lovely family, the one that you have started yourself. It's much harder to start from scratch but it's a good way of stopping the fucked-up family cycle - and for that alone you deserve a huge amount of credit.

And don't worry - no matter what you say to your parents, it will most likely always be you at fault / too sensitive / a troubelmaker - but tis all bollocks, you are right and they are wrong.

Took me 6 months of counselling to get that particular penny to drop

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

YOu and me both OnMeTod - soooo painful. I am back in touch with my family - got a family party tomorrow - but they are soooo painful. See that ManicPanic is in the same boat [group hug!] and I would suggest therapy is the way to make sense of it all and to heal. Grief is exactly the right word. They won't allow you to be in the family unless you are the uncomplaining, passive scapegoat: you MUST be what they say you are or all hell breaks loose - as you have seen OP . We are not who they say (insist) we are, it is a device they have set up to manage their rabidly dysfunctional lives. It is poisonous, toxic bullying, really messes with your head if you're not careful - hence therapy to straighten your head out. No matter what, they pick on what you do/say/are/achieve etc etc etc etc. They are very sick people but insist we are the ones who are sick. xx

trying again (if it fails you can cut and paste into the erm address bar (if that's what it's called??)

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

Perhaps somebody somewhere should set up social events for family scapegoats who feel/are left out at all the big holidays... [good idea icon]

Mind you, we'd probably be a pretty fucked-up bunch LOL

aaahhhggg...!!! families are frustrating arnt they???

its good to know i'm not the only one who isnt able to play happy families this easter. I've long since felt like the black sheep of my family & i've racked my brains for years wondering 'why?'.. If it was just me then fair enough i could deal with it, but i feel my kids have missed out & being a single mum whose ex vanished years ago, theres all his family already missing without mine being so distant too.

Although i live very local to my parents they dont visit. It was always me who had to go see them & tbh it just got more & more frustrating with sly digs made that i, at the time, never spoke up about & frequently came home ready to bite someones head off. In the end a combination of me deciding not to put myself in the firing line & them taking no interest has resulted in a bit of a stalemate, how long will it last is anyones guess...

I think sometimes you just have to concentrate on what you have & the family you have created yourself, whatever size it is..!! That usually gets me through the day..

Another here, haven't seen my family since September, not much chance of going anytime soon either due to being skint - we are 300 miles apart.

I phone them, they never call me, not that that matters. Wish i was nearer.

I had to post (have name changed) as have experienced very similar.

My mother and step father stopped showing (even the little) interest in the dcs as soon as their own child together had children.
Similar to you I confronted them, (including about abusive childhood, I suffered physical abuse and neglect) I was also made to feel like the black sheep, like there was something wrong with me (yet I was the only one to achieve any academic success and stay on straight and narrow). I told mother and stepfather I didn't wish any contact with them again.
As a result my siblings (as expected) have closed ranks with them and none of them are or will be in contact again. I haven't seen them for years. I occasionally check the obituaries to see if anything has changed.

I also got in touch with my biological father in last year or so, and he turned out to be useless, unreliable and disinterested.

sorry rambling

It does get easier, and I realise (once the 'guilt' starts to wear off) that I am feeling relief at not having to deal with them ever again. Sometimes fantasise that they will apologise, but that will never happen.

My family party yesterday... it went well (I survived!). I have a new job which is quite prestigious, which makes me feel more confident. But underneath there is the malice from my family, all the time, ready to pop...

My main problem is with my siblings. Or, rather, my siblings' spouses. It seems a weird device that my siblings get out of the line of fire (look innocent) by geeing up their partners, who do all the dirty work for my siblings re all the digs, insults etc. Sometimes at times of pressure, my siblings can't help themselves and a very poisonous dig will pop out; but as a rule they leave the abuse to their spouses to do. It's all supposed to be good fun but the underlying theme is that I am a total idiot: it's like having a dog they can kick for fun. Then I think that my siblings were used by my dad, who started this whole thing off. My mum is my ally, up to a point. My mum is in an abusive marriage (60 years standing) ie with my dad.

My situation is also different in that my family are all over my kids - probably to underline that they must 'be there' for my kids who have had the misfortune to have a mother like me. Though my family's attention to my kids is actually hollow re they have been very little in evidence when something seriously bad happened to my kids. Again, they want to look good and look decent, a good family, but it is a facade.

You say an apology won't come mnamer but I have had one, from my dad, who is now 87. He had a kind of epiphany last year, when he was 86. It hasn't entirely turned the ocean liner around but it has happened and there has been a marked difference in his behaviour towards me. it's hard to trust though, after all this time, all the abuse and scapegoating, but it is genuine. However, the family ship has been launched (so sorry about these blatantly nautical allusions!) and aren't about to be listening to an 87yo codger.

Hope I haven't hijacked!

Its a poor do isnt it when we have to check the obits to see how our families doing, but i know how it can get to that point too mnamer,, :( My parents are really old & i'm the last one to get told anything apparantly.
i got the silent treatment for 5 years last time we had a bit of a stalemate which only ended when i gave in & paid them a visit. it would never have ended otherwise they are far too stubborn & couldnt possibly ever be in the wrong...

I know families fall out, its inevitable & just being related does mean we feel we can say what we like to each other. Which obviously ends up in a few rows & hurting each other, but at the end of the day your family is supposed to matter to you. Your supposed to acknowledge the cock-ups you've made & want to make up cos deep down you love each other & would miss each other if you didnt. Your lucky springydaffs your dad finally realised he's been a fool & missed out. Its late in the day at 86 but at least it finally came.. I wonder if he can see what your siblings & their spouses are doing & how its making you feel. Its awful when you feel ganged up on, you are not the dog to kick & they are showing their children & yours that this is how you are to be treated. I would have it out with them & say enough is enough, you deserve to be treated better.

There is no way it would work musthave - there is no way on this planet that they would take responsibility: I would be set on like a pack of wolves, frozen out totally if I said anything and, like you, it would go on for ever (years and years and years). We got back together because my mum had a stroke and we all ended up at my parents' house for a week. That was fun (NOT). I had to be very brave, stalwart, resolute; nothing at all was said. When I left my extremely abusive husband, my family took him in like a long lost buddy, he was invited to all the family do's and I was not. They really were all over him like a rash. After about two years my mum made a stand and said to the family that it wasn't right and had to stop (though she had previously, and still does really, expect me to take it, bear the way my family behave towards me ie she recognises it's wrong but expects me to keep the peace. I have said I would be keeping their peace, certainly not mine): my family were absolutely livid and thus started another years long campaign of hostility, accusations that I went 'running to our parents' telling tales. Etc. It is a never ending, they are poisonous to the core. My family no longer openly abuse me - it's all passive aggressive now - but I don't reacte, pretend it wasn't said or tackle it obliquely. I don't see them often! (my choice). I keep it up mainly because our parents are so old and were getting very distressed about the family split. I don't see that I can force them to change, am on a hiding to nothing if I tried. Been there, made things infinitely worse. They try to treat me like the family dog they can kick in passing but it doesn't work any more, they can't get away with that these days.

Oops forgot about this thread!

mnamer -spooky likeness in our family setup. It is shit is'nt it?

springydaffs -you are so right in all you say.

Thanks so much for this. It helps to know I'm not alone and helps me to stop saying to myself, 'they're right, there is something wrong with you' because it reinforces that they are not!

Hi,

Just like to say reading all of your posts is making me feel somewhat normal, and i would never ever would of expected me to say those words.

My mother rejected me when i was 2 and life got pretty much worse from there, my dad remarried and as soon as the ring hit her finger he left us too!

30 years on and i'm still searching for the answers, it's not knowing why that hurts the most, as i find i blame myself for most of it, which sounds stupid!

Like you all i find myself silently grieving for the family i wished or should of had, and suffer bouts of jealously at holidays when i see generations of families together.

But on the other hand i alienate myself from others who would give me the chance to become apart of theirs, probably as i expect them to dump me given the chance.

I have become a mother now to two gorgeous children and have become my own family, but i'm petified of the future because i'm sure i have detachment issues because of my past. Doesn't make any sense to me!!

I haven't got the stage yet where I can live with it - it still hurts and I have to watch that I don't get (or stay) bitter. The loss and grief come in stages, fluctuates - I can go years where I'm fine then I hit a thin time and it rears its head again. I feel I've lived my entire life in a hurricane and have to brace myself to survive sometimes. I have recently started a training course and realise I felt very anxious at the first session because I was in a group of people - I brace myself for when the digs will start, the bullying and sneering. When they don't come I feel confused and even more anxious because I feel it's only a matter of time before they do. If people like me I don't know what to do with it, don't know how to reacte. That passes though and I learn to relax but, like you challenge, I always feel outside, never really part of the group. (the scapegoat was historically 'put outside' of the town/village as an atonement for the people's sins). It's made me quite a loner though I am naturally a gregarious person. More therapy needed I think. I either said on this thread or another one (so, sorry if I'm repeating myself) but I do think that people who have been scapegoated by their primary family need ongoing therapy throughout our lives at various points. I don't mean all the time but at stress points. To remind ourselves of the truth as much as anything, as at stressful times it is easy to revert to the default setting of the scapegoat ie the one who deserves it. Which we don't!!

"I do think that people who have been scapegoated by their primary family need ongoing therapy throughout our lives at various points. I don't mean all the time but at stress points. To remind ourselves of the truth as much as anything, as at stressful times it is easy to revert to the default setting of the scapegoat ie the one who deserves it. Which we don't!!"

It's so easy to default to the scapegoat setting, this is probably one of the most useful comments I've ever read. Thank you :)