Can I have your thoughts on this situation for a friend please?

[ilovetomandjerry]

Namechanged incase I give the game away.

A friend has met someone who lives the other side of the world. He was here for a fortnight on business.

He is here again in a couple of weeks for just over a week.

He now has the opportunity to come and work here - probably at the end of the year.

Here's the thing - he's talking about moving in with my friend (and her children).

If he did move here though he has said he couldn't do it permanently because of his children and I think he is thinking my friend will move over there eventually.

Bear in mind he is separated and has his own children (which he will leave behind), my gut instinct is that this isn't quite right?

Don't get me wrong I'm delighted she has met someone and he seems very nice but it all seems a bit quick and I would hate for her to get hurt. She likes him but has reservations that it's all a bit serious too soon, but obviously with the distance between them they won't see a lot of each other over the coming year.

Just interested to see what others think? Or would do?

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. Six years later he was making similar promises of a new life together when she found out he had been 'happily married' all along.

Thanks NotOriginal - that exact thought had crossed my mind too.

sounds like he wants to save himself the hassle of living in an hotel / rent / go without regular suppers and bit on the side

I wouldn't let anyone move in with me and my children who Iyar met for 2 weeks. He sounds awfully keen to get shacked up so soon. God forbid he is a predatory pedophile. Probably not but still I would have major resevations

Same experience here as notoriginal. My friend had a boyfriend who lived in America and had children over there etc. He came to stay here for 2 weeks once and then went home. He came back later in the year for a month and then went back with the promise of next time staying longer until eventually he moved here permanantly. Only it turned out he couldn't move here permanantly as his wife over in America didn't approve.

Thanks - you are all saying the things I had thought of and am worried about!

Just to clarify - he's not talking of moving in on his next visit - although he has said he hopes he gets the invite to stay over for more than just the odd night. His plan is to continue to come over here every month or so for the rest of the year and then move permanently at the end.

But that still means he will only ever be here for a fortnight at a time and supposedly he will want to be more in my friend's house than in a hotel!

He is a very senior person in his company - flies business class etc - so am sure he would be popping home regularly to see his own children too.

Apparently he has a great relationship with his wife

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Anymore late night thoughts?

Hasn't she googled him???

For what?

I can't believe someone wouldn't in those circumstances.

If he's a high flyer senior person in his company he's probably also well known in the community as well. It may give a synopsis of his family life ie pictures of him at the company Christmas do with wife (if he is indeed still with her etc etc) as like all the others my concern would be that he he had a full family life over there and was just using your friend fro fringe benefits.

Well I'm a cynic who has been an international traveller for work....and has seen what some men get up to abroad while on expenses...

He's looking to set her up as a "comfort station" away from home, and moved very fast. He's been a very busy boy on his reconnaisance trip!

Meanwhile, if he's high up in the company, no doubt he has very generous accommodation, disturbance, travel and per diem allowances. These will be going in his pocket, or joint bank account, while you friend will be his "local wife". Saving him money in hotel and laundry bills and feeding him as well as "bedroom comfort". What a freeloader!!!

At the end, he will be off to the next assignment, and new "girl".

Whats in it for your friend? Why waste the best years of her life with this creep.

Meanwhile, his wife and family enjoy the benefits of his enhanced salary.

Too quick. V suspicious. Even if it were true love, she should at least meet his kids in person first. Would be a bit concerned about predators too.

I would have googled him first off too!

We are all assuming he is married (what a cynical bunch we are!) and he may be telling the truth, but lets face it he wouldnt be the first regular traveller to have "a girl in every port" as it were. I would be satisfying myself on his marital/relationship status before anything else.

And I wouldnt be having him introduced to my kids etc until he was sure what his plans were and would only do it if he did move here permenantly, into his own place.

I would ask to go an visit him in his own country. Maybe she could go over for just a week with the kids? I think if he is really keen - and has nothing to hide - he would agree to this.

This sounds so dodgy - I can't believe she is even contemplating it.

Look for him on Linkedin and all the business networking sites. Likewise the company he supposedly works for. Phone the company, ask to get put through to Mr X - get the receptionist to clarify his full business title. Google further for his town, his address etc.

Lets assume he's not a con-artist or a Walter Mitty or a paedophile, at the very best he is going to cock-lodge. Why would you put your poor kids through that? If she was in my family I would be staging an intervention!

he def is who he says he is! On Linkedin, FB etc, I have met the HR Mgr for the co. he works for - she went for dinner with him and his big boss and wife while he was here!

Its's the fact that he is separated and not divorced that bothers me and the fact that he seems to want to move in so quick.

The more I think I about it - I think they should 'date' when he is over on business during the rest of the year and maybe go out there to meet him him and his kids. Then if he comes over permanently at the end of the year, continue to date as you would 'normally' before considering moving in!

Thanks for all your comments - it's good to get another perspective. She is a bit unnerved by his seriousness but does like him, but she does have reservations too - she won't just jump straight in!

Forgot to say - he is keen for here to go over to his country - he has loads of business airmiles so has offered to pay her flight too - business class! he really is a lovely, lovely guy but just seems to be getting very heavy very quickly, but the distance think does complicate matters!!

She says, this next couple of weeks when he is here hopefully will clarify her feelings a bit and then go from there.

Executive class cocklodger!

Ok then - thats got me told!

Totally agree - they should date and he should have his own place. Doesn't he realise he just sounds like he really, really wants someone to wash his socks? Encourage your friend to enforce her boundaries and not run to his agenda. If he's some big suave exec he's maybe used to everyone doing what he says.

Rudeenglishlady - I think you may have a point about the big exec thing - although he doesn't come across as arrogant!