is it secrecy or privacy?

[uncertain]

Just wondering if what I did was so wrong!! DH & I have been having some relationship problems for a while and it's become really hard to talk about the issues that we are having problems with. On the surface he is a fairly quiet, deep-thinking type but he is also prone to being very stubborn and (dare I say it) chauvenistic. At a a point of desperation I set up a private email address for myself, so that I could chat with another woman who was having similar problems to myself... we generally gave each other support and advice about our situations, as well as encouragement. Our (mine & dh's) joint email address is accessible to anyone, and dh makes a point of reading it virtually every day, whether it's addressed to him or to me, hence my desire to have my own account.

Anyway he found out that I had set up my own email address and accusing me of all sorts of things. I reminded him that HE has his own private email address through his work, but I have no such thing. I told him the truth, that I have been corresponding with another woman and that I didn't want my thoughts/fears/rants available for the rest of the world to see. Now he is saying that I've been deceptive and secretive, even though I know for a fact that he doesn't tell me absolutely everything about himself, either. He said to me 'You don't need to have your OWN email address, you can receive all your mail on our JOINT email address'. It made me so angry because I'm not allowed access to HIS email account, and as he travels with his job, it's not as if I can keep tabs on him all the time. Not that I want to - but he seems to think that he has a right to know absolutely everything I do.

He probably thinks I'm emailing other men or something, but I told him that I will show him the emails if he doesn't believe me. I just can't believe I've done anything that wrong, by having my own email address. Perhaps he feels threatened, but surely I'm allowed the same right to privacy that he has.

Of course you are entitled to as many private email accounts as you like! What you have discussed with this other woman are your private feelings and you don't have to share them with him. You don't have to show him your emails either. You are your own person and as you quite rightly say - you have done nothing wrong!

It sounds to me as if your dh is afraid of losing you. Men get controlling and possessive like this if they fear losing their women. But he will have to learn to trust you if he expects to have a private email address himself. Double standards.

agree with janstar and fairymum. We are all entitled to privacy and rant time. I think you have been generous in offering to show him the emails.

Uncertain, I agree with everyone on the thread! You deserve your own email account and your privacy! It sounds like he had a very possesive knee-jerk response to finding out you had this account and his response just doesn't seem rational. If you have been married for a while I am sure you have patterns around the way it has always been and now that you are changing, he just might find this scarey and threatening as Janstar says above. If you can, let the conversation die down with him for now, but I would continue to email your friend and talk about the things that are bothering you. That is so wholesome compared to the other self-destructive things you can do when you are upset and off balance and wanting some comfort. I hope you find some comfort in reading the responses in this thread.

God almighty, tell him to off and mind his own business! Unbelievable, does he open your snail mail too? Tell you what Uncertain, he sounds like he's trying to control you in a pretty unpleasant way. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I really feel strongly that you are entitled to your privacy and that it is nothing to do with him!

Just tell him it makes you wonder what he gets up to on his work email that makes him so suspicious of your private email. You are only having private conversations with women, they just happen to be typed - if you phoned them when he wasn't in, would that be wrong too? He is being unreasonable.

bobthebaby strides off having told it like it is{}