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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happens when ex goes on quickly to have another baby with new gf?

14 replies

Sillyflower · 21/04/2011 23:13

Quick question. Sorry if it's daft.
Currently splitting from ex and sorting finances out. We have a young dc. Dc and I will remain in house with ex paying mortgage etc

He suggested yesterday that there may be a new baby in 9 months......huge shock and I didnt know he was even with anyone.
He is concerned about what will happen re:life insurance etc.
Ie: if he signs papers to protect our dc what about the next one.....

Not sure if this even makes sense

anyone had similar experience. Am a tad worried.

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 22/04/2011 01:30

Sorry, not really sure what you are getting at. What papers would he be signing? What is he protecting? Your home?

It could get v. messy with life insurance, wills, who is beneficiary etc. Plus if heaven forbid he did die, his new GF could perhaps dispute any will made before his new child was born? Even worse for you if he hasn't made one. I'm no solicitor so you probably want to have a chat with one to put your mind at ease.

Much will also depend upon if you are married or not. If you are then you are in a much stronger position. If not then the only real question is who owns the house?

To be honest, I wouldn't worry about him dying. The real concern is how he will support your child and his new family. ie. Will he be able to pay your mortgage and support his new family?

In general I would suggest that he simply pays you an agreed amount of maintenance each month and you pay all the bills. If your DC is young. Rule #1 of being a single parent. Don't rely on your ex to hand over cash religiously each month for the next 10+ years. If you rely on his money to pay the bills then you are setting yourself up for a BIG fail.

Diggs · 22/04/2011 02:43

New baby my arse .

More likeley hes trying to wind you up or engage you in some drama . Is he ok with the split ? They often start talking about marriage , moving abroad , potential problems with new girlfreind who doesnt exist .

Original poster

Sillyflower · 22/04/2011 10:12

Hi, thanks

Nice guy. It is joint life insurance to protect house and dc as set up with original mortgage. I have been advised to get a court order now. He wants a private agreement.

Dc has SN and is only just 2 so I am not able to return to work so he will be supporting us but is worried about long term costs I think.

It's a mess.

Diggs he split with us. Had affair etc.....god knows what he is up to. I hope he is winding me up because he refused to have another baby with me...and although declares himself a good father fails to see that walking out on 2 year old with SN is pretty shit. He is blaming me of course. Ho hum.

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 22/04/2011 11:10

I really think it's worth your while seeing a solicitor for an hour or so.

Like i said earlier, much will depend on if you are married or not.

I'm not sure what sort of court order you think you can get. If you are unot married then it will be dealt with as a land law dispute rather than matrimonial. Which means the fact you have a DC with SN won't be taken into account.

Plus, even if you are married, what do you want an order to say? That he'll cough up for the mortgage for the next 16 years? Trust me, it will never ever happen.

Let the dust settle first but honestly I think long term you are better off selling up, cutting all financial ties and standing on your own two feet. Even if it means having to rent. Otherwise you will always be beholden to him and he can cause you a lot of hassle by simply refusing to pay up. Or in 9 months time when he has a new baby to support, claim he can't afford to pay the mortgage anymore.

Court orders often are not worth the paper they are written on if the other party is intransigent. Plus with legal aid being cut to the bone, it would cost you hundreds if not thousands to drag him back to court each time he breached an order. Fair? Nope. Does it happen? You bet.

Original poster

Sillyflower · 22/04/2011 11:17

That's so depressing.

OP posts:

Dozer · 22/04/2011 11:27

Is depressing, but better to face facts and take informed decisions than to keep getting nasty surprises. Get some legal advice asap.

Celibin · 23/04/2011 15:37

Make sure he knows the CSA is around if he stops supporting his first child. He must do this.Child comes first. My friend was living with a guy for 6 years and when she put pressure re starting a family he walked. He took up with another woman and got her pregnant WITHIN ONLY 6 MONTHS having said he NEVER wanted children.They went on to have another child again v quickly. He left her, too and went to work in EU. She gets c40% of his net income but I think this was law in that country not uk law. He flies over every other wend to see the children.

maypole1 · 23/04/2011 15:55

i would not rely on any one with whom i splitting from for my daily bread at at any time he can simply stop paying and when he gets a new girlfriend i doubut she will be having that

go to the csa and i would get a pt job if i were you, if he has the child at weekends plenty of time for a shop job orif he has him in the eveings their is no reason not to work even if he has special needs

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:45

XP did this. We split up and although XP was not happy about it, he saw DS regularly, paid maintenence etc with no problems. Three months later he had a new gf (the second one since the split, in fact). Contact started to be more sporadic and maintenence too. Six weeks later, they were announcing a pregnancy happily on facebook (classy!) - maintenence and contact both dwindled, maintenence more quickly. He also lost his job (for gross misconduct) a few weeks before the baby was born so by the time I got round to chasing it up via the CSA, they basically said it was pointless, as he had a baby to support and his gf's child from a previous relationship, I'd likely get nothing anyway. Don't really understand why having a new child absolves him from responsibility of this one, but still

Baby is now 4 months old and they've just split up. I'm taking bets at this point with all my friends on who he will manage to knock up next. He probably sees DS about once every 4-5 weeks if that. He wrote on facebook the other day that "I just want a proper family not a broken one". He's just a shit who doesn't actually care about the people in his perfect family, as long as they fit the cereal box image :( Sorry to say I think it might be the same for you.

ilikeshoes · 23/04/2011 20:08

My ex had new baby with new partner within under a year of us seperating, at first it played on my mind and i felt hurt resentment all the usual things, but honestly you will accept it and get over it, as humans we are built to do this and get on with our lives, you have to try and count your blessings i no sometimesthis is hard, but soon you will have moved on with your life and be much happy. Also think he may be telling a lie though, men can do this with out hesitation if they think it will wind you up.

Original poster

Sillyflower · 23/04/2011 23:36

Thanks for messages. Your stories are all so helpful. I guess it's just going to be tough.
Your stories are interesting and terrible.

Bertie I can't believe your ex!

My ex is an accomplished liar. He does say things to hurt me. I have no idea what to expect next now! He has lied so much about so many things nothing would surprise me at this point.

I will keep you all posted of any developments.

I will also get some legal advice on the matter....I have been told that the law is designed to help women in my situation.

OP posts:

Celibin · 24/04/2011 16:55

I think he was already with someone else before the split. What she knew of the situation is unclear? Did she ask or did he tell?

Original poster

Sillyflower · 24/04/2011 19:45

She knew everything about his situation. He was confiding in her about being unhappy etc. Usual story. Not sure how serious it was. She struck me as not his type but who am I to say! She seemed nice enough really.

I suspect they are still in contact and were during the working things out stage! However, I have no proof.just my gut feeling.

I keep getting tempted to contact her but as we are now separated there is no point and it will just make me look scary or threatening etc.

Many posters have given me great advice. It's none of my business! I am having to try and detach myself by by assuming the worst and just accepting the situation. That way I can move on in time and find happiness again!

I don't want to be all bitter and twisted about it.

And breathe! Its not easy is it!?

OP posts:

popalot · 25/04/2011 00:03

New GF after 2 months of split, tho actually now realise probably having an affair so why we split.
She had a miscarriage 4 months later
Is pregnant again and due next month
Again he became very sporadic with maintenance when they officially announced they were together
stopped paying completely when she had her first pregnancy (v. early miscarriage).
She seems to think it's alright to have a child with a man who doesn't pay a cent towards his first child. I was very angry to start with but pretended to everyone else I didn't care. Very hurtful indeed. But I moved away and have such a great life now when I hear the stories about them he's behaving in the same manner (a drunk) and she's bought the engagement ring she demanded he give her because he couldn't be arsed to produce it on her birthday / at christmas I sigh and say 'thank god it's not me anymore'
Same old story, just a different gf. This ttime she sounds like a bit of a psycho so he's met his match!!!!
And she saved my bacon because without her stealing him away I'd probably be sporting a couple of black eyes and missing teeth the way he was going, and my daughter would be pretty fucked up.

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