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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else totally bogged down in family arrangements?

18 replies

bamboostalks · 21/04/2011 17:17

Both mine and dh's parents are divorced and not on good terms. We have the only grandchildren on either side and I am beginning to feel very, well, put upon, for want of another word. All our spare time seems to be absorbed in hosting lunches, dinners etc. Everyone has to be seen separately, dh's mother every 2 weeks is the worst. She does not like to share with my mum (who is the only person I ever want to see!) so therefore we see her separately. We both work and time is so precious. There is also a great nanny in the picture and several aunts and uncles who want to be factored in and tbh it is exhausting. We barely have a spare weekend and I am fed up of it. How do others deal with fractured families?
Eg Easter Celebrations

Last weekend we saw great nanny, aunt, uncle and dh's dad.

Good Friday is my dad for dinner.

Saturday is dh's mum for lunch.

Sunday is stepdaughter and boyfriend.

Monday is my mum ( we see her the least as she is abroad ).

I feel there is no give and take, no one babysits or reciprocates apart from my mum who will take us out for meals sometimes.
My mum not well enough to babysit, dh's doesn't want to, grandads not capable.

I feel increasingly resentful at all these retired fit people who (in the case of both grandads) had no interest previously.

What can I do?

OP posts:

upahill · 21/04/2011 17:28

Without making it sound easy and simplistic I would start getting a life of my own.
It is not compusory to see everyone every week and I would back off on the offers of celebrations and make your own plans.

Nice as it is to meet up with your families you barely have time to miss them by the sound of it.

If I was you I would either
1 arrange the next meet ups in a month or so's time

or 2 Don't arrange anything and wait until some one mentions it and say ' well I'm abit bombed out at the moment, shall we come over to your's?' or say ' well next Sunday we are going to.................., leave things for a week or so and we will sort something out soon'

How would that go do you think?

choc1 · 21/04/2011 17:37

oh nightmare!

What upahill says sounds good. Just dont arrange anyhting more or have excuses ready if they do try to arrange something.

You work ffs, they are expecting too much.

I also totally GET what you say about no offers of a babysitter for you, its not fair and all one sided.

londonartemis · 21/04/2011 17:53

I think you have been unbelievably accommodating and now it's time to make sure you make time for your immediate family.

Have your excuses ready - as they probably catch you on the hop when they start to make arrangements.
Also make sure your DH is on board with you and has his excuses ready about spacing them out a bit more so that they don't work on him behind your back.
Make up your mind that you have at least two week ends in four (or whatever) with stuff/blanked out in the diary for you and DH together. If not, they will eat into your marriage too.

Good luck...I suspect if they think they are welcome as often as they are, they will take advantage of that.

CarGirl · 21/04/2011 17:56

I would invite them all to yours and tell them something like the 1st Sat in the month is open house to visit as you are busy the rest of the time. They can like it or lump it tbh!

tvoffnowplease · 21/04/2011 18:02

You need to put one weekend a month aside for just you and your partner and kids, and have a babysitter for either the fri or saturday night. I agree this is very hard. My parents are divorced and my DD's dad and I are separated. I have a new partner who also has a daughter. My family all want to see both kids, and do her mums family.
But we can't see nayone at the same time because no one gets on.

'luckily' (in the nicest possible way) Dps family are abroad. Although this easter they are in the UK and also want to see both kids!

My dad is holidaying - hurrah! We did my mums and her side of family last weekend, and we're doing DPs side of the family on Friday/ saturday. DD is with her dad's family on Sunday/monday. So it's all worked out its a military operation though and everyone seems to just call and assume that you have factored them in to your plans don't they!!

I suppose I wouldnt change it for anything though. Think of all those people with whom no one wants to spend Easter

upahill · 21/04/2011 18:21

tvoffnow I think it should be the otherway round!!
I don't think putting aside one weekend for the OP and her DP is nearly enough. Maybe put one weekend a month aside for family at a push but I think she (bamboostalks) needs more chill out time than running round after the extended family who, lets face it, aren't excatly bending over backwards to support her are they.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 21/04/2011 18:34

I agree with Cargirl You say that they don't get on, well that's their problem. If they want to see you then it's up to them to behave like adults and tolerate each other's company for a short while, not for you to pander to them.

Original poster

bamboostalks · 21/04/2011 18:42

Thanks for all the advice. We do have occasions with all the family, ie Christenings etc and tbh it is nearly unbearable with snide comments and tension. The relationship is poor. I just want a happy family I guess and we are the centre of it now but the endless diarising (non word) and cancelling and rearranging is wearing me down. It seems to evolve rather than be planned but I do need to take control of it and just block our time out. It is just that none of them (apart from my mum) have other partners or friends really or so it seems!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/04/2011 18:49

I guess I would block out every other weekend as a minimum with no family visits. Does your dh get on best with your Mum as well? If so I'd proactively speak to her and get dates in the diary for the rest of the year and everyone else has to fit around her with you having 50% of weekends as a minimum completely off.

hocuspontas · 21/04/2011 19:04

Can't you just see these people for an hour or two? No meals involved. I would explain the next time you see them that it's getting too much and you are going to cut down a bit. Have an open house one weekend a month as someone suggested so people can pop in. (Again no meals).

2rebecca · 21/04/2011 19:39

I would discuss with your husband how much time you want to spend visiting/ being visited/ going out to dinner with family and then divide that time between the relatives YOU want to see, seeing more of those you are closer to and like.
I would generally see more of adult children if they want to see me, a middling amount of parents and less of all others.
You just need to learn to say "sorry I'm busy then how about 3 weeks time?" or something similar.
It sounds as though you have stayed to close to them all. We're all scattered throughout Britain so have the opposite problem.

2rebecca · 21/04/2011 19:43

If none of them have other partners or friends it still doesn't make arranging their social life your problem.
The open house idea sounds good. They then have an invite and if they choose not to come because they can't get on with anyone else that's their problem.
I don't see why you should be the one running round in circles. They need to learn to be more sociable and less fussy, or spend less time in your company.

Original poster

bamboostalks · 21/04/2011 20:13

I do need to have more of a backbone about it, not a problem for me at work just in this scenario. Dh feels that he sort of owes his mum as she brought him up on her own, no money, etc... For a long time, he was estranged from his dad but now he is back on the scene and it is just another pain in the bum!

I can see now that I am going to have to be more tough and proactive because honestly I never have a minute. Thanks all, feels good to get it off my chest!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 21/04/2011 20:18

What reason does your mil have for not wanting to share visits with your mum?

CarGirl · 21/04/2011 20:21

Any snide comments try and have the balls to say something like "If we can't be civil in front of ds then you know where the door is" In the long run they need to learn to be civil to each other otherwise every birthday, Christmas, future big events will be horrible.

If they behave like children treat them like children! YOu could even forewarn them - we are having an open house, x y may be there if you can't refrain from snide comments and unpleasant atmosphere don't come!

Anniegetyourgun · 21/04/2011 20:49

"Diarising" is a good word. If it isn't one, it ought to be.

tvoffnowplease · 22/04/2011 09:39

Yes, my family can be kept at bay for quite a while if there is a future date in the diary.

ledkr · 22/04/2011 18:57

yeah just say your cutting it down as it was all becoming too much and you werent getting any time with dh and the kids,better to be direct,i have pils who treat a visit here as a nice holiday and want to eat constantly or relax even with my newborn,i am more direct having tried the non verbals to no avail.

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