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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice about my Mum please?! RE a relationship on my side ending.

4 replies

confuseddotcodotuk · 21/04/2011 10:51

Hi. I'll try to be quick! Me and my boyfriend are breaking up. Been together two and a half years, we really care about each other but we've been disillusioned into thinking it will work and have now decided to call it a day on good terms and enjoy our last few days together.

My Mum is honestly trying, but she's utterly useless with this sort of thing. For the past month, when I've mentioned possibly coming back home (with the thought being I'll come back alone) she comes out with treasures such as "Well, you always knew it'd end this way." and "You've known for a long time." and recently, since confirming that we will be splitting when we leave our current job (live and work together as seasonal workers), she's been fitting these anecdotes in as often as she can.

How do I get her to stop?! She's coming here on Sunday to drive home with me and it's a five hour journey! I've tried asking her and it didn't worked, I started getting a little short with her about it and either changing the subject or stopping convo when it comes up and so on but nothings working, I've told her that I don't want her saying those things, and that if I want to talk about it I want her to listen, not tell me how it was doomed from the start but nothings working. I really love my Mum and can usually talk to her about anything, but this is just getting to me so much and I'm dreading going to stay with my parents until I sort myself out a place to live and a job!

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 21/04/2011 11:07

"Mum, when you said that it made me feel utterly shit. I'm sure you don't want me to feel utterly shit so please can you just say this stuff to Dad and Aunty X and not to me please. I reckon in 6 months time we will be able to laugh about this but right now I want to slit my throat and I need all my energy for the next step of my life. Thanks :) "

Can you tell that my Mum says things like this too?! She controls herself if I really tell her though. Getting cross or short with her just adds fuel to the fire in my experience. She's picking you up and having you back to stay so she loves you really.

confuseddotcodotuk · 21/04/2011 11:35

Rude: I know she loves me, it's why she says it I'm sure lol I'll definately try that next time, I'm gutted me and DP will be splitting but I know it's the right thing, at least for now! We still plan on meeting up whilst we're travelling and attending each other's siblings weddings with the other and my Mum adores him, she is just blatently useless with these situations, thinks she's helping me feel better when she really isn't! My older sister ended up not speaking to my Mum for a few weeks after splitting up with her last serious boyfriend for the same reason! I don't want that :(

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RudeEnglishLady · 21/04/2011 11:52

I think sometimes its a fear thing... like we're out of the nest, spreading our wings and my Mum admits she has just been sh*ing herself since I was born that I'm going to die, get killed in an accident or whatever. I think she's probably more anxious than normal :( .

When stuff goes wrong or they can't face the difficult emotions, parents can comfort themselves with the fact that they knew all along what would happen, they've seen this before etc. And its a way of reinforcing 'mother knows best' which is how they probably would have comforted you when you were tiny.

Of course I'm a perfect parent and I will never say anything stupid to my kids ever Grin

confuseddotcodotuk · 21/04/2011 12:41

:( That's very sad. My Mum is is weird one like that, she's fine with the idea of me driving, whitewater paddling, climbing, going off around the world on my own for god knows how long, but relationships come along and she freaks out, doesn't know how to deal with her three daughters boyfriends Grin

Thanks, I'll be very blunt with her if she brings it up on Sunday.

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