Hi there
I have only recently come across this term, but am fairly sure that this is what happened to my older brother when we were growing up (the 'emotional parentification' version). My parents separated when my brother and I were both quite young, and my father came to rely heavily on my brother for emotional support starting from when my brother was about 9, and continuing for several years. My B is, and has always been, very kind and understanding, which is probably why my dad "chose" him as his support person, even though he's not the oldest. My dad spent a lot of time talking to him, and although my memories of this period are very vague, I do remember him sitting on my brother's bed well into the night and pouring out his woes. My dad was very upset by the separation - he was the one who was left, when my mum got together with my stepfather. I think he (my dad) still blames my stepD exclusively for what happened, and has always been very angry with him, and has never seemed to really believe that the affair/my mum's remarriage was a sympton of a relationship that was foundering, not the cause. This is despite the events taking place over 2 decades ago.
Anyway, I remember me and my siblings needing to tread very carefully around my dad for a long time - several years - and in particular it was my B who comforted him and really took on the role of his support and confidant, rather than his son. We saw him (Dad) cry an awful lot. I don't really know the extent of what went on between my D and B, but I would guess that my B was sheltering me from a lot of it, so my own memories are probably just the tip of the iceberg. At the time I just felt sad for my dad because he was so sad, but looking back on it, he was the adult, and in some subconscious way he must have decided that he was going to put his needs ahead of my B's (a 9 year old boy's).
My brother is now in his 30s, and has recently had counselling to try and deal with the way all this has affected him - and is still affecting him. I think he is feeling a lot of anger. He cut off contact with my dad over a year ago. My dad, although not as raw-ly emotional any more, is still a needy person, again probably even more so with my B than with me, and I think my B is wanting to break those patterns before any contact can be resumed.
I would be really interested and grateful to hear from anyone else who has been in this situation, from any point of view. I'd like to know how to help my dad and brother have a reconciliation - but I realise that for my B, that might not be the best thing. I am convinced that my dad doesn't realise the extent of the consequences of what happened back then - although both my B and, more recently, I have tried to explain to him. He says that he is very very sorry about it, and I think he thinks that should mean everything is ok. He and my B did have a conversation about it a couple of years ago, but it seems as though that ended with my dad expressing his "desperate sorrow", then my B feeling bad and saying pretty much "never mind it's ok", and so now my dad thinks it has been dealt with. If it isn't clear from what I've written so far, we both think that my dad can be pretty manipulative sometimes, but I'm not sure the extent to which that is conscious on his part. He's an intelligent man though, so I find it hard to believe he doesn't know what he's doing in some way.
Maybe the best way would be for me to give my dad a book about parentification so he can have an idea of the consequences (if so does anyone know of any good books about it)? Or is that just a bit of a cop out/too cruel to my dad? I would like to be able to talk through what happened back then with him, but I just don't have very many memories from that time, so don't feel that I can do it effectively.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far, and TIA for any help.