What on earth do I do? Advice needed please

[LaLaLuLu]

I have been with DP for 16 years and we have a DS of 10. He is not the person I first met all those years ago. He is very Jekyll and Hyde. He often tells me he loves me, always makes my lunches for work and dinner in the evening and buys me little surprises from the shops on a regular basis. However he also tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me a fucking retard or a spaz(knowing full well I hate those terms) or threatens to headbutt me during rows, will not speak to me in the mornings because he is not a morning person and I am too chirpy apparently, NEVER comes out with DS and I and spends lots of time on his X box and none with me. He has on occasion been violent - he once dragged me out of our car after a row and threw me down an embankment, I have a photos of me and Ds from when Ds was 6 months old where I have livid red handmarks on my arms and he has thrown me to the floor and kicked me before too. He blames this on the fact that he was bullied at school and because I wind him up. To complicate things he now has a degenerative back condition and is near disabled with the pain.

I am about to finish my nursing degree and am on my final placement which finishes in a few weeks and have really hit it off with one of the other male staff members. It wasn;t instant attraction but he has really grown on me over the past few weeks. He is amazing and just gets me completely. We have not done anything physically at all but we can talk for hours and regularly do because we work so closely together. We have started walking to work together from the railway station and recently started having after work drinks together once a week. He always asks to have me on his team and when we are working together I can see him always looking out for me and I do for him - it is like we naturally gravitate towards each other without intentionally doing so. When we are out he is so considerate and kind and complimentary without being sleazy. He is like my best friend already even though we have only known each other for a matter of weeks. I will not cheat on my DP for him but have been considering leaving him, getting DS and I a house together and taking our relationship further from there if he wants to. However despite our intense friendship I am concerned I am confusing attention for love. I always said to myself if I left DP it would be for someone more educated and who looks after himself a bit more as DP doesn't and I feel like his mother sometimes. Kindness, trust and friendship of course go without saying. However this man is not educated and is not bothered about grooming at all. Physically he is not my type at all and I am starting to become scared and am doubting myself. I do not want to mess this man around and always want him in my life, either as a partner or a friend but I would really like an outsider perspective. Do these things really matter? Do I really want him or is he someone who happens to be there for me in a turbulent time of my life? I was planning on moving back to Wales before I met him where my family are but now am comsidering staying in my current town even though after university all my uni friends will be moving back home too and I won't have many people left in this area at all. Am I being crazy? I am terrified and need some good advice please! Sorry if this is stupidly long

Your DP doesn't sound like someone you should stay with. He's hit you and been verbally abusive to you. Staying with an abusive and violent partner is not ok. He may have a back condition, but he doesn't need to be strong to hurt you badly - possibly to the point of no return. Violent people who do not work on their anger issues and change escalate -they do not fizzle out.

Have you ever had a chance to ask your son what he thinks of DP and his parents' relationship? You don't really want your son to learn abusive patterns of behaviour from your DP. Also try to find a quiet time to ask DS if DP has ever hurt him or undermined him. Violent people often have more than one vulnerable target. If it's not victimising his son as well it may be trying to turn your DS into a misogynist - "this is how you should treat women". The other likely scenario is that your son is not a target at the moment but has been observing all this, often afraid for his mum. Not a healthy way for him to grow up - can lead to anxiety issues and affect his schoolwork.

The other chap sounds normal but please don't jump from one relationship to another - it may not even be a viable relationship as emotionally you are kind of on the rebound, for the last several years that he's been hitting you. Don't go any further with this male staff member - is he your colleague or your teacher?Even if you did get together say 5 years after splitting up with your DP, don't the ruin the chances of anything good developing by trying to embark on something with him now. Don't go from one guy to another. You are much stronger than that - you don't need a man (esp not a violent man) to validate you. Look how capable you are - you've managed to do a degree while bringing up a child! You should have some peaceful time for yourself and your son before getting any other man in the picture.

If I had known you during the first episode of violence I would have suggested you leave then. It is never a good idea staying with a partner who has hit his (or her) partner. (PS . you say that he's sweet when he's in a good mood and has even prepared you meals - that is typical of wife beaters. They know the tricks to charm their partners...just not the selfcontrol when they feel themselves getting angry.) Please leave your DP and take yourself and your DS somewhere safe as soon as you can. Then give it a year before you do anything with the other chap - if he is the right one for you, he will be there a year later. It is very difficult to see clearly when you are still embroiled with DP - one does not want to find out 2 years later that the new chap is also a violent and abusive man under the friendly and charming exterior.

BTW - your DP's excuse that you wind him up? Well, politicians can wind me up with their benefit cuts and their tax rises, people who work in the same office can wind me up and sometimes what they do affects my work.....but I don't go hitting them or throwing them down embankments! And that applies to most normal people. So he is using a lame excuse for not having any self control or showing you any respect.

You don't have to reciprocate the buzz and confidence you get from this new chap by starting a relationship with him - after all, you won't do that with a female friend or relative who made you feel much much more confident or happy, would you? Give it a year. Let things made themselves clearer. But during that time, you really need - for your son's sake if not yours - to leave your DP.

Thank you Migrating

South - Thank you for taking the time to write me that long post. What you say makes a lot of sense. In answer to your questions I haven't asked DS what he thinks because I don't want him to feel as though I am trying to get him to take sides. DP is sometimes short tempered with DS but not abusive to him. Ironically he often tells DS he should treat women nicely and not like he treats me sometimes. WTF that is all about I really don't know. This man is a Support Worker where I am so not in an authority position but definitely a colleague. I have been lucky in the fact that despite everything DP has not worn down my self esteem. He has friends who do exactly the same thing to their partners and who all say I should be quiet when I am told (again WTF) but I am strong enought still to realise that this is not normal and that DS and I do deserve better.
I have said the same thing - that he is able to control himself around other people so why can't he around me. Apparently I wind him up more than anyone else. Actually I am relatively easy going and not that hard to live with at all so again I know that is BS. He is on the waiting list for anger management but I think that he may be lying about this because he has been on the list for ages and when I enquired myself I was advised the waiting list time was much shorter.
What I have been experiencing is definitely a buzz. I want to bottle it! However I am not sleeping properly - too much on my mimd. This other man has told me (without me mentioning my sleep issues) that he is not sleeping because he has things on his mind. Today he told me he thinks I am amazing. How could I not be flattered? However I know thanks to all of you and also because of common sense and a large dose of reality that thisis dangerous and should be avoided, at least for now.

Don't necessarily avoid him just tell him you are very flattered, he makes you feel good but you aren't in the right place at the moment - if hes a decent man he will not pressure you.

Its nice to have a good friendship, I had this for years with my now DP and although he told me how much he loved/admired me he never pushed for anything. It gave me strength, just knowing someone thought I was lovely.

LaLaLuLu, you've done amazingly well to qualify yourself whilst living like this. My heart goes out to you for having this life and as you are about to qualify, life will open up some new possibilities to you. I would warn against getting involved with anyone at this stage, you need to leave (or get him to leave) and stabilise yourself and you child's life before embarking on a new relationship but if you're friend has intentions, he'll wait for you until the time is right. You and your child deserve the best of lives and therefore change is needed. My best wishes.

Lalalulu I'm glad that you have met someone who makes you feel good about yourself - this is how relationships should be.

However I agree with the others that you need to sort yourself and DS first - get away from the abusive relationship and start afresh.

Good luck - you are being very brave making a new life for yourself and your child

You're sounding like you're being realistic, and that's really good. You can keep this man as a friend whilst you're sorting yourself out. You may find that once you have your own place and are starting to heal, that he's not as attractive, but again, that's okay. Just be honest with him.

The very, very best of luck to you.

update

Well it has been exactly 5 months since I first posted. I recieved some brilliant advice here but up until now have not had time to come back here and finish the post I started.

I left my abusive DP a matter of days after my initial post and he moved out 3 weeks later. DS initially found it very hard and didn't take it too well but we share custody of DS and DS is now very happy with the arrangement as he has 2 bedrooms, 2 houses and more importantly does not live in a house with screaming arguments and turmoil. DP was horrendous to me but was never abusive to DS and DS worships him despite everything so this is the best scenario for DS. DS and I have talked about the living arrangements in detail and I know 100% he is happy with the current set up.

I moved out of the house we shared into a smaller one which is better for us as Ds and I are now able to create new memories in a house that has not been tainted by rows and arguments. Already it feels very much like home. I am so much happier being independent and have discovered practical skills I never knew I had. DP made my life hell during the first few months after the split in every way possible but I got through it and am firmly looking forward and not back. I don't regret leaving for a second

I finished my degree and am about to start a nursing job next week after a few months of job hunting so that is going well too.

My original post was about my feelings for my colleague at work and we are now together. It didn't happen for a while but we are very much in love. He has been incredibly supportive in every way possible and our relationship is based on a solid friendship, affection and amazing compatibility. I didn't think it was possible to be with someone who would respect me like this man does and I am no longer afraid to talk in the morning for fear of being yelled and sworn at nor do I feel scared of my partner in anyway like I did with my ex DP. DS hasn't met my new partner yet, there is plently of time for that in the future. For now when he is with me we concentrate on our new start in our new house which for now is enough for both of us. Ex DP is now with someone else too and introduced her to DS within 5 days but that is another story altogether!

I guess I have had a happy ending after all! I have posted under various names on here for years about my abusive ex DP and I am now able to firmly close that chapter. I can't tell you how good my new life feels and I am incredibly happy and excited about what the future holds. Thank you to everyone who took time to write to me on either this thread or my countless others under different names.

Hi Lalalulu,
I was reading through your thread feeling so bad for you. I hadn't realised it was a few months old till I read your last post.
I'm so happy that you found the strength to move on and create a peacful happy home for you and your son.
Even if your now relationship had come to nothing you should be proud that you made the step and are now happier for it - everything else (new bloke!!) is a bonus!!
Well done :)

leave violent prat dh and get a flat and see where it goes with new man but just be aware (and maybe warn him) that you will be on the rebound (dispite dh being horrid - still emotionally hard to leave)

:)

As a nurse you know that patients sometimes need crutches so that they can walk.

You've been 'hospitalised', as in 'institutionalised', in an abusive relationship for many years and the new man's attention is, effectively, the crutch that is helping you find the courage to walk out of your toxic partnership.

Once you have fully regained your self-confidence, you won't need crutches to support you and it may be that your new found friendship with a man that you are not physcially or intellectually attracted to will show itself for what it is - a means of propelling yourself and your ds towards the freedom of a life without fear.

If you can find work and accomodation near your family in Wales, it would not be a bad idea to put some distance between you and dp, and it may be that you're best advised to keep your plans to yourself until you can present your dp with a fait accompli - preferably by letter on the day after you move out.

Otherwise, you may need help from Women's Aid (24hr helpline 0808 2000 247) or www.ncdv.org.uk to ensure that you can leave your dp without undue fear of repercussions.

As for the fact that your dp now has a degenerative back condition and is near disabled with the pain, I would suggest that you view this as karma in action, and do not allow any pity you may feel for his weakened state to affect your plans for a new and fulfilling life with your ds.

O jeez, I must get some new glasses! Please disregard the above - and accept my congratulations on your courage and your new life.

Oh lovely. Well done, and I hope you get all the happiness you deserve in the future.

wonderful! so pleased for you!

Thank you . I am hoping my story might inspire others to make changes too when they are in similar situations. I am the most cowardly person ever so for me to do this with very little family support is massive. I hope others read this and see they too can have a happy ending

Aww that's great news :)

You quite clearly aren't the most cowardly person ever Lalalulu! Congratulations on having taken such huge steps and on your new life.