When to let someone go

[starerofCeilings]

Bit of background have been involved in long distance relationship for some time .I can't move there kids ,visa reasons and biggest stumbler medical ones he is in the US) he can't come hete same issues he has 50% custordy can't even take out of state without agreement plus he really loves his kids and if he was happy to walk away from them I would not want that kind of man anyway.

So long distance it is we do get to see each other fair bit we also talk on phone /yahoo/cameras a lot and for us it works and truth it suits me .

He has been a fantastic support was there when my dad died ,my daughter was very Ill.He came when her own dad could not be bothered .He has been there through me being I'll to so not like he has just been there for the fun stuff even though been lot of fun too.and vice versa I been there when he has needed me to through work stuff or problems with his dc ( I'm not a dirty secret at all neither is he his work colleagues and his friends are aware as is his ex wife ditto the same here

Ut recentley my lifes turned upside down as out of nowhere I had back problems that led into me needing spinal surgery and has left me paraylised from the waist down with no bladder or bowel controll and no feeling in the gential area either .Now this could be long term or short term or inbetween and knows sounds stupid i would rather be ina wheelchair and get sensations back rather than the other way round .The wheelchair I can deal with

but I have sent him long email to say that as much as I love himbut it is ok to walk away this time .This he never signed up for .when this all started at first it was very much light hearted fling that has grown unto something deaper over time

so told him it will never tarnish my memories of him but I understand really do.He has a big heart despite the gruff front he puts up has held me while I sobbed over ds3 needs and while I broke down when looked like dd was going to die . And it's been reapid have held him while his heart broke over his dd.Sounds like been sad realtionship but it's not there has been a lot of laughter to and time just doing daft stuff.chatting about mutual hobbies etc

But inside it's killing me no reply yet (he be in bed still) .I took cowards way out .I do love him enough to let him go.

But how on earth do I move on from it know I have big big battles to face of my own but even writing the email had me sobbing not good when flat on your back .

I don't want him to stay out of guilt or pity .I could not stand that our realtionship has been built on bring strong together and apart on friendship on love and trust and laughter

I don't want it to be based on guilt or pity I don't want or need that .Though a hug could go one of them

but can't say it as everyones used to me being so strong even the Drs are wow your so strong .But inside ATM I am a mess

I don't quite understand why you have to 'let him go' when this is already a long-distance relationship and it is not at all practical for him to become your carer. To be very blunt, you will still be able to skype and email anc chat, and if he was desperate for constant sex and that was his priority, he would be dealing with it already given that you don;t get to spend all that much time in each other;s physical presence anyway.
Hopefully, of course, this man as nice as you say and will tell you not to be bloody daft and he will be there for you like he has always been.

What SGB said. If he's as lovely as you say and cares about you so much he will respond telling you not to be such a muppet.

Really hope you feel better soon, I'm not surprised you're feeling so down.

Because he is the type of man that would stay supportive and I don't want that to be out of guilt or pity .So yes part of me is pushing him away andyes other people to

He has been over already and would come back

But I cant deal with it all with anyone seeing me like this .

I have no controll of my bladder or my bowels at all which distresses me far more than thought of ending in a wheelchair

I'm so sorry I really don't know what to say. But it's a long distance relationship where you can enjoy the day to day email/phone calls - you're not asking him to be your carer are you? You sound so sad (unsurprisingly).

Hugs.

This all so so horrible for you. Keep his friendship, You need friends and he sounds a true one. Thinking of you.

Do you want me to come and paint your ceiling? I used to visit a friend who had to spend a month flat on her front and she would ask me to clean a mirror or wipe the smears from under the sink or some other small task that was bugging the hell out of her as she couldn't do it.

Sorry maybe not the best of ideas to make descions or to post on here

I admit to feeling more than a bit fragile ATM my world has tipped upside down .but it's done will just have to wait and see and if he walks or runs away . Though to be fair was not catch of centuary before 4 dc single parent but I was happy with life . Now not exactley a prime candiate

Maybe time to step back and take stock of few things .but am finding it tough

now if someone could arrange for posters on the ceilings I would appreciate it .Not sure if the Drs and nurses might though.They are trying sort out a tv that can see

And no would not want him to be my carer. Could not deal with that .even thought of needing a carer .I was a carer my sonsi was happy now I'm not .think I need some help sorry should not posted on here

Yes you should keep posting here. Keep posting and we will keep replying.

Are you receving any counselling/support at the moment? It is a huge shock to find yoruself in a position of physical dependency and I think you need some formo of psychological support to help you adjust (not just YOU as in the OP, 'you' as in ANYONE).

thank you and after falling apart in spectucular style this morning first time really did since my life changed just over 2 weeks ago.

somene did come round and got a lot of my chest and she made me feel better that its ok to grieve and to cry and to scream if i feel the need .Pointed out to me thats havin g your world turned upside down .Would throw anyone especially when happened without any warning.And she be more worried if had not respn ded like i have.

She will pop in again and if needed will sort out more help if needed .And she said its natrual to push people away and that the genuine people will be there no matter how much i push and if people walk away then it shows that they are unable to cope not me

Dear GrouchyStarerAtCeilings, X because I don't know what else to say. Thinking of you.

Quick update he is the person I thought he was unknown to me after getting my message and knowing what I'm like ( we have a joke that he needs to look in my eyes when I say I'm ok before really believes me not that I'm stubborn)

well he flew in last night because he wanted to look me in the eye and for me to be able to see that he really meant what he says.

He's made arrangements to stay for 2 weeks will do some lab work at one of the sister labs with his

we talked any personal care other than passing me the sick bowl or drinks etc he will leave the room as I don't want him to see .he said not bothered but respects my feelings .

As for future ge said he's not going anywhere :))) and if anything this has scared him badly what he could have lost really lost :I had problems with the GA.

So just one day at a time but least know I have not lost my best friend

Fantastic :) I'm so sorry for what's happened to you - as you say, your life changed in a moment - and releived to hear you're finding support during the (no doubt long) process of sorting out your feelings around it.

I'm also quite envious of your relationship! You must be an amazing person to inspire that much love. Hope you'll forgive the cliche, but - one day at a time, hey? Make the most of all the good stuff, it helps recovery. x

Not amazing at all just me :).But we been through a lot together even though we don't live together or even same country but when we need we never had to ask when his 2nd dd was confirmed with asd I was there not in the room as that was his and his ex wife private time and I respect her to much to interfear .I was looking after the kids alonside his ex wife partner .She knows I will never drag or expect him to leave his kids so while were not close friends we respect each other .Helped no doubt by the fact I live so far so not in her face as such
.But was there later in the day when his heart broke.

But yep one day at a time and truth right now is nice to have someone hold my hand while I adjust and to make me laugh and pass tissues when I cry .We won't mention the sick bowl passing