Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DH wants a holiday alone and I totally dislike him.

21 replies

sumptious · 20/04/2011 01:55

Been married 15 years to man who basically behaves like a prat.
Have a ds aged 16 so have put up with this idiot for a long time. But still finding it hard to call it a day due to financial reasons.

This is the third time in 5 years he wants to go away on his own (apparently to meet a mate) but I don't trust him.

In the early years of our marriage, he admitted visiting prostitutes while we were married but swore would never do it again.

He behaves like a teenager, doesn't have a clue about how to be a father, but I am totally relying on him financially. We sleep in separate bedrooms and I hate him.

Don't know what to do. I have said "No" to him going on this trip but he has made it clear that he is going anyway.

Sorry about the rant but my blood is boiling.

Anyone know what I should be doing because I don't know anymore.

OP posts:

Hedgerow7 · 20/04/2011 01:57

surely it would be great to have him out of the house for a week?

Original poster

sumptious · 20/04/2011 02:01

Yes in that way it would be great. Its what he is going there for is what is getting to me. I am very confused though. One part of me says good riddance and the other feels angry that he doesn't give a damn about anything.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 20/04/2011 02:08

Why are you so reliant on him financially?
You need to sort that out and get yourself some freedom!

Original poster

sumptious · 20/04/2011 02:55

Because I stopped working when ds was born and dh suggested I stay home and look after him while he looked after the finances. I am now finding it difficult to get back into work after such a long break.

I recently had heart problems as well which don't help but I don't even know where to begin. Things with finding jobs have changed so much and I have nothing to show on my cv for years.

OP posts:

empirestateofmind · 20/04/2011 03:36

Is there a college you can get to nearby? A college course to update your skills might help.

bleedingstill · 20/04/2011 05:37

you should not be relying on him financially. Please focus on this. The holiday is a red herring. You don't really have a relationship with him so it's up to him whether he goes off on holiday alone.
The issue is that you hate him.
Please don't waste your life living it with someone you hate

malibustac · 20/04/2011 05:47

You may not want to but you can apply for benefits until you get a job. Many woman retrain after years in the home but there are also jobs that look for home making skills such as a home carer. You say you hate him you will only damage yourself by staying in the same house as him. Also not a healthy environment for ds.

LittleEasterHouse · 20/04/2011 07:50

Use the holiday and your anger to give you the impetus to make an escape plan. Life is too short to waste it living with someone you don't love or respect. And it is damaging to your own self respect living with someone for a meal ticket.

Get all your options down on paper and examine them all.
You leave
He leaves
You split but live separate lives in same house
He leaves, you take a lodger
You move in with family

etc etc

Go on, use that anger to make a fresh start. You will be glad you did. Your DS will learn that relationships do not have to be like this.

EggyFucker · 20/04/2011 07:54

Is he going to Thailand by any chance ?

OohIsThatAFlake · 20/04/2011 08:11

Can you change the locks/move out/move him out whilst he's away?

Longtalljosie · 20/04/2011 08:11

If your DS is 16 for God's sake leave him. Alright, so you'd be poorer, but you only live once...

ScarlettWalking · 20/04/2011 08:15

Yes where is he going for his holiday destination?

Gooseberrybushes · 20/04/2011 08:18

This is so sad. You must feel so oppressed. It is difficult to imagine the possibilities when you are in such a terrible situation but they are there.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/04/2011 08:29

Start making serious plans to leave. Because a man who is this selfish and entitled is quite likely to take the decision out of your hands at some point anyway by deciding that he wants to trade you in for a younger model, whereupon he will do his best to convince you that it's fine for him simply to throw you out of the house and pay you nothing.
He may already be planning to do so as soon as your DS reaches 18, for instance. Consult a solicitor about the division of assets, consult CAB about benefits, consult your GP about help in the home if you think your health may mean you need a carer.

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/04/2011 08:34

I think you'll have more right to stay in the house and have him leave if you divorce him before your son is 18 and considered an adult. See a solicitor asap to see where you stand

Chandon · 20/04/2011 08:40

So what if he sleeps around, you don't have that sort of relationship anymore, do you?

Pretend to be fine about it.

THEN, when he is away:
-take a look at all the paperwork, bank accounts etc.
-visit the CAB (make appointment, first consult is free)

Open your own bank account somewhere
Find out at CAB:

1.) how much alimony you'd be entitled to 2.) how much job seeker allowence, housing benefit etc. you'd be entitled to

Visit the job centre and ask them how best to get on track of job again.

Take control woman! This is your one and only life.

You will be entitled to half the house, and alimony, so there is no reason NOT to split, it just takes some work sorting it out.

Start asap.

don't be a martyr.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 20/04/2011 08:43

I hope you're feelling oK....this must have been so hard all these years. I hope you come back today and have another chat about it all...I agree that you should not worry about the financial side of things.

My Mum didn't work for years and then got a job in her 50s...ok so it's only as a visiting home help for the elderly but she liks it and it pays ok...enough for her to manage.

She is able to drive herself around, use the skills she picked up over years of being a SAHM and she is independant. She has made many friends too.

There's shop jobs if you look....you would be eligble for help financially.....please look to yourself....people on here will help you.

EggyFucker · 20/04/2011 09:10

Time is actually of the essence here

If you have been frozen for so long, OP, please think about this

Whilst your son is still in FT education or otherwise dependent on you, the assets of your marriage will be divided accordingly

if you wait until he is 18 and/or other independent your position will be much more precarious, financially than it already is

I don't wish to panic you, but another coupe of years of doing nothing to get out of this situation is going o be mre detrimental in the long run

Take action, love, or you will still be in this shitty situation in 10 years time, without even your lovely son to brighten your miserable daily life

DuplicitousBitch · 20/04/2011 09:15

retrain - now

gillybean2 · 20/04/2011 10:26

Sumptious I was out of work for 5 years after I had ds. When I went back I started off as an assistant at the local playschool. In my CV I included lots of info on how I thought my skills as a mother/home maker could be transfered easily to the work place. Eg planning activities, budgeting, dealing with issues as and when they arise (children arguing etc), forward planning, spotting potential dangers etc etc. I also made it clear I was happy to train and was sent on several courses for first aid, allergies etc

Once my confidence grew and I could see that I had lots to offer and was ready to move on I then applied for some other jobs closer to what I had been doing previously to having ds. And I was very fortunate to be offered a great job that I enjoy (still here 6 years later). I was completely honest at my interview about my situation, childcare etc. and my new boss appreciated that and also took me on knowing my situation and that I wasn't just after a take it or leave it pin money type job which I could take or leave.

I'm sure you have just as many life skills that you can transfer and build on. If you're not very computer literate then look into doing a course at your library or local college. But not all jobs require you to have knowledge of computers even. Perhaps ask at your local primary if they need anyone to help with reading or at lunch times. Quite often they'll offer a paid job as and when it comes up to those already volunteering, plus it will help to build your confidence.

I know it can be scary to face an unknown future and it seems easiest to simply stay where you are. But you are a worthwhile and important person too and you have a right to happiness. You're never going to find that in your current situation.

If your ds was in such a relationship would you want him to simply stay in it or would you want him to have the confidence to find something better where he could hopefully find happiness. You deserve much more, and while taking that first step can be incredibly hard it gets so much easier with every step you take. Steps away from misery and towards self confidence, inner peace and one day (like me) you may be able to smile again.

Champersonice · 20/04/2011 10:28

What Bleedingstill says.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread