Struggling to trust my DH

[Cat98]

Quite long but I have given some background!

We have one DC, nearly 3 yo.

After birth we had a hard time as a family. A few months in DH became withdrawn, changed personality it seemed like - stayed up late on the computer "working" every night though I was up a lot with DC in the night. He was a good father during this time but I didn't think he loved me any more.

I became paranoid and insecure as a result of this. I have, however, always been quite insecure - don't want to make out that I was a wonderful wife all the time, though I felt we had a good relationship pre dc.

DH finally said he wasn't sure he loved me any more. I took Dc back to my mum's house for a weekend while he "sorted his head out". I was devastated, scared, everything. He said he dodn't know what was wrong. For months it didn't get better. We had lots of arguments, some very bad (not in front of DC).

One day it came to a head when I found on his lap top links to an online sex chat site, also skype was open. The night before he had been staying at his parents house (they were on holiday) on his own, looking after their cats, I had been at home looking after DC. I was angry (having caught him on similar years ago and he promised it wouldn't happen again), he begged, cried, said he was sorry. Swore blind it was only the one time. Said I could have open access to everything, which I did use for a while.
During this time, I caught him deleting a number off his phone. He said it was a missed call from a recruitment company but as I was checking everything he was worried I'd become suspicious and so he just deleted it. This is possible btw. He did say I could ring the number back. I declined.

Eventually, I was prescribed anti depressants as the whole thing made me a shell of my former self. After a few weeks of treating me like a queen he started acting - well, a bit withdrawn again, funny with me for being insecure (who could blame me at this stage, I thought!) We went through another bad patch, but then things turned a corner.

He has been treating me much better, I think, comes to bed with me pretty much every night so I know he's not up to anything on the computer, and all things are pretty rosy. He thinks he had some kind of pnd as well which is possible.

However, after all this I still have problems trusting him. I have found out a couple of times he's told me some white lies since then, nothing big, just slightly misleading me. I don't feel I can trust what he says to me. He is worried that I don't trust him, and tbh, I don't 100%! But how do I get this trust back? I feel like I am paranoid, am I too insecure - but then I do have reason to be?

You can't get the trust back all by yourself. He isn't behaving in a trustworthy way, so how could you trust him?

I know that feeling, of not knowing what to believe in your life. I divorced my husband and have never had that feeling since.

He is behaving in a trustworthy way now though, apart from one or two small things. But I do have sympathy with him as I have been so insecure that he probably feels he has to tell white lies sometimes.

For example the most recent one: He had a night out with work, made out (though didn't directly say) that he was just going along to show his face etc. I checked his emails once (I rarely do now but do occasionally after the chat line incident) and found an email that showed he was organising it! He thought I'd be upset that he was organising a night out. I wouldn't have been! But I was upset he'd misled me as I thought he understood he needed to be completely honest.

Thank you btw, how rude of me

You are not to blame for your H's dishonesty OP. He makes a choice to do this each time he does it.

He may be trying to protect you and himself but he will only make the situation worse if he continues.

Something I have learned from the excellent advice on MN is to trust your intuition, particularly when the reality being presented to you does not fit with what your inner voice is telling you. Ignore this at your peril is a lesson I learned far too late.

Why do you think your H uses dishonesty with you if the reality is actually harmless? Is it possible that he has struggled with the transition to fatherhood do you think? I am struck by one of the first things you say in your post - your H said he wasn't sure if he loved you any more. Was this recently or just after your DS was born?

The trust will return but it takes time, trust is never a given and it has to be earned.

Take your time, sometimes you might feel paranoid and insecure and after what you have been through that is understandable.

I just want to agree with everything Bestname has said and to reiterate the point about AD's. I did the same when I should have been getting really angry and standing up for myself.

This time around I don't need them. I'd rather feel the real stuff than numb.

You'll be ok OP. You really are stronger than you think

And you're much stronger than he is.