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Original poster

He's not into me, is he?

28 replies

unluckyinlove · 19/04/2011 17:09

Got talking in a chat room a couple of years ago, and progressed to talking on msn, where he became a very good friend. Advised me on problems in life, helped me with how to help my son with maths, cooking recipes, everything.

I've been hurt and let down by men before and explained this when the subject of meeting up came up. I let him know my fears and he said he'd be sensitive to all I've been through. After deliberating about meeting, we did on Friday and had a meal and drink and a wander through London. Pleasant enough meet. Kissed me goodbye on a London station and we went our ways.

I've had no contact since. He's on msn and hasn't answered me and not responded to a text I sent just asking when he was next on msn, nothing else. I dont wish to appear needy or clingy, but I've lost a friend here, haven't I. A very intelligent professional man who I considered a good friend. He doesn't want to know, does he? Please someone out there tell me it's his loss, not mine - as he doesnt seem to have the manners to tell me he didn't like me. Is it normal for people to vanish off the face of the earth after a date, or does anyone think he will speak to me if I don't push it any further. Do any of you think you'll never meet anyone who gets past date one? Is it just not worth the bother?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 19/04/2011 17:15

No, I think anyone who has me is damn lucky.

As should you.

GastonTheLadybird · 19/04/2011 17:17

His loss, not yours. Wine

How very rude of him not to bother having a conversation with you, he sounds either gutless or dysfunctional. NOT normal behaviour in the slightest, it's not you, it's him.

Of course it is worth bothering, this is just one guy, plenty more fish in the sea and all that. In future you should always meet early on, I don't think chatting online for weeks/months is ever a good idea, leads to unrealistically high expectations, you only see the good bits or bits that the other person chooses to show you. Also, physical chemistry is very important and you can't tell that over MSN!

BooBooGlass · 19/04/2011 17:18

He's not a good friend though is he? He's someone you've only chatted to online. The real thing is somewhat different. Cut your losses, really. And I do see the irony of sayign this on MN of all places, but whyever would you trust a stranger to advise on problems in life? I think your mistake is in thinking that you're talking to the real person online. In a lot of cases, it's a persona and bears no resemblence at all to the real person. That, or he's just more comfortable thinkign of you as just a faceless person on the internet. Maybe the real thing (for either of you) just had no chance compared to the expectations you've built up over hte last few years.

madonnawhore · 19/04/2011 17:20

Fair enough if he wasn't feeling he wanted to take things further after the date - that's always the risk you take isn't it?

But to now completely ignore you is staggeringly bad manners and says much more about him than you. The decent thing to do would have been for him to get in touch and say 'Thanks for a lovely time but the chemistry wasn't there for me I'm afraid', or something along those lines.

What a rude dickhead to just cut you off dead. Now that he's shown his true colours I would say you should be considering that you've had a lucky escape.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/04/2011 17:34

echoing everyone else really....you do deserve better.

gawdonbennett · 19/04/2011 17:38

Just out of curiosity, had you exchanged pictures prior to meeting?

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 19/04/2011 17:47

Yes gawdon, loads and loads over two years.

Everyone is right. I shouldnt have left it so long to meet as maybe the expectations were too great. I was actually nervous of meeting as this has happened to me before - (the vanishing off face of earth thing and I've been left heartbroken) This time I'm trying to act more chilled. I can't believe he's done this too, but I take the hint. Better to find out now he's a spineless coward than further down the line. Yes it hurts because I shared a lot with him. It will be a long time before I trust again, that's all I will say.

OP posts:
gawdonbennett · 19/04/2011 18:07

If you fish in dangerous waters you are likely to get bitten by a shark.

nijinsky · 19/04/2011 18:25

You haven't lost a friend. You've only met him once and he's ignored you afterwards. Thats not a friend.

Be wary the man on MSM or who contacts you on FB. My apologies to anyone who has met their partner this way but I want a man with more going on in his life than spending every night online, hunting for women. I've had men contact me on FB and theres no way in hell I'd consider them dating material (I'm not single anyway).

He's on MSN again already you say - probably got more than one "friend" on there then. Maybe you weren't the pushoever he'd hoped you would be. Ignore him when he comes back form more attention in approximately 2 months time.

I'd also be dubious about the professional man bit. He obviously doesn't work very long hours.

Kimberjem · 19/04/2011 18:43

Well since this has also happened before,it sounds like you may be investing far too much in what is essentially a first date and that will probably be obvious. it sounds like bad manners, not to at least say 'am glad we met but didn't really feel like there was any chemistry between us' but many people do struggle with honesty so act like dicks instead. Chalk it up to experience and perhaps try Internet dating, set quite a few dates up so you aren't so focused on meeting one person.

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 19/04/2011 20:13

"investing far too much in what is essentially a first date"

I only wanted to know if Id ever see them again - is that investing far too much?

If people can't tell you to your face that there wasn't any chemistry, then they aren't worth it anyway. Yes, I've chalked it up to experience.

OP posts:
Kimberjem · 19/04/2011 20:16

You said yourself that your expectations were too great, understandable because of the amount of contact first, but it's easy to build someone up in ones head to be what you want them to be not what they actually are.

atswimtwolengths · 19/04/2011 20:59

You say it was a 'pleasant enough meet.' Did you actually want to see him again? Did you feel affectionate towards him? Did he seem the same as he was online?

Why did it take you such a long time to meet, given that you (presumably) don't live too far from him? Was it suggested earlier?

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 19/04/2011 21:16

Doesn't really matter now seeing as he won't speak to me and I've told him I won't be communicating any more

Yes it was a pleasant enough meet, had a drink, went for a Chinese meal and took in the sights of London. I would have been very happy to have seen him again. To be completely blanked was a shock. Yes, he did seem the same as online. I knew everything about him, his hobbies, his work, his lifestyle. We'd talked for a long time.

It took a long time to meet because I was nervous. He was very sympathetic to this and we'd got to the point where I felt I could trust him. I'm not in the habit of meeting someone from being an online acquaintance, but I felt I could trust him to be open and honest. We met halfway between our homes, which was a manageable commute. He's self employed with contacts near me, so meeting up was never difficult.

Anyway, it doesnt matter now.

OP posts:
cuteboots · 20/04/2011 13:28

Could he be with someone already? Thats sounds really horrid to ask but maybe hes not a free agent. To ignore you is very rude and you can do much better

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/04/2011 15:36

It's a mistake to consider that an online 'friend' owes you anything. No matter how long you've been chatting. TBH you come across as a bit needy and clingy - he isn't your partner when you have only met him the once.

Next time, don't leave it two years before meeting an online acuqaintance, move to the first meet quicky becausefor one thinkg you deserve the chance to see if you are attracted to him before wasting any more time.

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 20/04/2011 15:41

I dont recall ever referring to him as my partner. I said 'good friend' based on the help and advice given over the last few months.

And actually when you go on a date, I do think you owe the other partner something, ie, vanishing into thin air is extremely rude. As has been stated, a simple, sorry, I don't think there was any chemistry between us, would have been fine.

There won't be a next time. I won't be looking online for anyone else.

OP posts:
londonartemis · 20/04/2011 16:02

I'm sorry to hear there has been no contact with you since, even just to acknowledge your evening out. I think it is bad manners.
As you have been in contact with him for quite a while, it will be hard not to miss him I expect.
Please do not blame yourself. Keep your head up, and don't let yourself get knocked sideways by this. Someone who is happy and self confident in themselves, is more likely to find the next fish in the sea more quickly! And there are plenty there, although it may not feel like it at the moment.

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 20/04/2011 16:10

Thank you londonartemis x

Being that I've been deleted off msn, I take the hint and am refusing to let myself miss him. Better off without spineless acquaintances. Basic respect and manners go a long way with me, and so therefore it's not my loss is it. An escape actually.

I'm feeling a lot better. Self esteem and confidence could have taken a battering, but I won't let it. One step back, five forward. I shan't be doing online acquaintanceships though, too fraught with problems although congrats to anyone who has had a successful relationship this way. It isn't for me, though.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 20/04/2011 17:20

what a complete wierdo! (him, not you! Smile)

sounds like you are coming out of this strongly...good for you!

FabbyChic · 20/04/2011 18:14

Im sorry this happened to you, but this is what happens when you wait so long to meet, had you met after a week you would not have come so dependant upon the communication.

It is hard when you feel you know someone and then you meet there is nothing there, and I can understand his side, but certainly not his rudeness.

atswimtwolengths · 20/04/2011 19:24

Couldn't you write an email, asking him what went wrong? I would want to know, I think. For a long time you thought he was a decent guy - do you think it's worth asking him?

Or picture yourself asking him - what do you think his reason would be?

Original poster
unluckyinlove · 20/04/2011 19:40

I sent a text and a message on msn - both of which were ignored, and then I got blocked and deleted. I then sent a text to say I would not be in communication again. To write an email would look desperately clingy, although yes I did want to know.

I have not the remotest idea what his reasoning is, but he has made it perfectly clear. Like I said earlier, it's not really my loss. I only met him for 4 hours. Not going to lose any sleep.

OP posts:
ensure · 20/04/2011 20:21

I think you can make good friends online, and if you meet and there isn't any romantic chemistry then surely the friendship should be worth more than to disappear off the face of the earth?
He sounds terribly shallow and, a liar I think. He wasn't a friend, he was just after one thing. You don't have chemistry with everyone, it doesn't mean you never talk to them again if you have a regular online friend relationship surely? What a cad. You are better off without him in your life!

sausagesandmarmelade · 20/04/2011 20:26

If the guy hasn't had the decency to respond to your message after all this time...then he's probably not the one for you.

You deserve someone who is going to care enough about your feelings to put you first....and to respect you.

I wouldn't contact him again....