yesterday, i lost it....................big time

[verystressedmummy]

title says it all really. i just couldnt deal with the kids any more. or the ever present looming presence of his royal highness, dh. my only saving grace was that i stayed in the house, so that if it had burned down, id have got the kids out.
this morning, i lost it at dh. he has just left for his once a year visit to the mosque with ds's after a screaming match.
ive told him he can have the house, the kids, every penny he earns. everything. i just want my freedom. but we both know i am not going to leave and i dont really mean it.
supposed to have an appointment with relate last night. but his royal highness has more important things to do than worry about the state of his relationship with his wife.
i am now about to spend several hundred pounds on the internet. i have no idea whether we can afford it or not. but i am in no state to think straight. or any way other than childish tantrum ways.
God help my kids.

Dont spend the money, It will not help.
Good that you have an appointment tonight. Is he going to go?

charlie, it was lastnight. he made me cancel it on monday.

Oh your joking
Thats grim.
Probably explains why you flipped as well.

kama, thing is, where do i go? when i am calmer, i realsie that i actually dont have such a bad deal in life, and i love my kids, and i love my lifestyle. and there is nowhere i could go to that i would have the same material comforts i have here. and i am a wuss.

Oh stitch Is this a bad patch or does dh drive you insane all the time?

all the time charlie. its ups and downs of course. some times are worse than others. and whenthings are good, you forget the bad times. but i get no understanding form him. and no appreciation of anything i do. he thinks he does all the work, and i swan around having my nails done.
lack of respect really.
thanks for listening. i am already a lot calmer.

Glad you are calmer, hope your credit card hasnt been harshly bashed.
Having been sick of constant up and downs and coming to the conclusion I would rather live on my own with the kids rather thatn persevere with somone who makes me miserable has made things a lot better for me.
Instead of festering and blowing up I say there and then. Right your being an arse,....it really helps starangely. Once someones been told they are acting like a dick they cant really keep it up can they?

hi stitch, sorry to hear you are so stressed. I know the feeling, but for me it usually passes. Any chance you can get away for a few days? Give yourself a break and make him realise how much you do?

charlie, he can keep it up, coz if i say something like that, then he thinks i am in the wrong for using such language etc.
kelly, i really really need a break. i have told this to dh loads of times. but he thinks his earning money is more important, and i am just making things up about the stress in my life. and i should just get on witht it and deal with things.
if i just wallked out the door right now, and say, went on holiday for two weeks. i would have to pay for it, which i cant. and dh would be in deep shit. he wouldnt be able to work with three kids. so he would probly dump them on his mom. and then, once the inlaws are involved, well, by the end of the two weeks, the house locks would be changed. id be branded for abandoning the kids. and would probly never be allowed to see them again, as he'd make sure he had the law on his side. and despite ho wmuch i say i hate my kids, i dont. i love them to bits. ive already given up my career, my lifestyle, my figure, my ambitions, all sorts for them. for my own self respect, i cant let it all be in vain.
god, im rambleing.

You need to start regaining all those things you say you have lost stich.

yes, but to do that, i need to be calm. as i cannot when babbling on like a spoilt little brat.
thanks for your support charlie. i will come and back and post later in theveing. as i must leave the house now with dd, before anyone comes visiting. its eid, and i just know that some of my friend s will come. and the house is a tip. no food cooked etc. so i should leave before they come.

LOL, that sounds like a good idea Hope you have a nicish day

lol. Happy eid. Do you have any plans for celebrating?

Why did you give up your career? Your kids are a bit older now, couldn't you consider going back to work? I had this same row with my dp last week. I'm stuck at home lookign after four kids, while he swans out the door every morning. The dts were driving me up the wall last week and I really resented it. Now things have calmed down again, and they are settlign a bit I feel a lot better. I don't think winter helps - kids are such more hard work when we're stuck in with them.

i need a fairy godmother right now to take me away from all this. dh has been blaming me for everything on earth again. he is embarassed and ashamed of me.. and wishes he could reverse time so we had never got married.
he says he has succeeded in everything else in life through sheer determination, but that this relationship has him at a loss. he says he will do anything. words just words. couldnt even manage a relate appointment.
today he has thrown a strop becassuee i have shifted beds from room to room. he's coming back again now to yell at me