how do I get back what we had?

[alwaysfeelingthestrain]

I have a lovely DH but the spark has gone. We feel more like two people who happen to live in the same house than a happily married couple. We have young DC and very demanding jobs but I just want back what we had. I know that it will never be like it was right at the beginning but I still have hope that we can turn this around before it's too late.

YOu need to make time for yourselves, away from being just a family, to doing couple things, have date nights.

fab yes I know we both need to make more of an effort it's just difficult with time, money etc and we just end up arguing

It's good you have noticed and are making an effort to do something about it now.

Taking time out to be together, to have fun, to just 'be' rather than doing housework, rushing about and doing separate things in the evenings (one of you on the laptop, one watching crap on tv etc). I know this will probably get a lot of 's but I find that playing a board game or cards or something is a good way to spend time together - even more so if things are a little strained, it's a way of spending time together that is interactive, but not 'talking'... (but I love games).

If you have friends/family/babysitters then go out - just the two of you, or better still, let the kids have a sleep over with someone who is dying to have them!

Even spending time as a family in a relaxed way, without constantly tidying up etc will help. Go somewhere the kids can run free without you following them about and have a picnic, feed the ducks - get some sunshine on your bones!

Buy him something when you see something you think he will like (doesn't have to be ££££), just something to show you were thinking of him.

Make each others favourite meals.

Massage, foot rub... take a bath together (if you can fit!!) it doesn't have to end in sex, but hey.... :)

Just 'do' less and 'be' more x

I agree with chipping :)

me and DH watch a film every wednesday night when the dc's are in bed. We stuff our faces with choccie and then snuggle on the sofa :)

Eat together at a table, not in front of the telly

Bath together

Watch your favourite film together

Cheap overnight stay - a Travelodge will do. Buy yourself sexy underwear

Do the little things for each other....

Thank each other

why do people keep mentioning bathing together? Wouldnt the water just fly out everywhere? Besides, I slash in the bath so it would be unfair.

bbird - bathing, not swimming. Suggest you refrain from pissing in the bath for the sake of romance. Ditto shaving your legs

thank you for all the comments now it's jsut time to make the effort and stop sniping!

'Sixty Mintute Marriage' by ?Rob Pasons is a great book.

Also, is it possible that the 'spark' that has gone was never going to remain unchanged anyway, but rather that the passion (in the broadest sense) has grown into a deep bedrock of companionship and reliability as you build your marriage and family life together?
Yes, all the 'making time for each other' etc suggestions are valuable, and of curse it's good to enjoy each others' company, set up mini-traditions, such as film-and-chocs-on-the-sofa-night, but please don't try to get 'back' to what you were..look at your (joint) strengths now and build an amazing relationship on it.
btw, I am 13 years married, 3 under 10 and busy job, so I totally know where you are coming from!

I have this problem. We organised date night, an evening just for us supposedly every two weeks (realistically, once a month).

We try and make time for each other when we can and also we are trying to have physical closeness, such as hugging, kissing and massages in the evening once everything is done.

We've not fully cracked it but we both are aware that the effort needs to be made.

I think it's easy to genuinely take someone for granted ( and it cuts both ways ) and it's true to say that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone.

Can you imagine your life without him - really? Can you try to imagine what it would be like if you lost him overnight? I think it's a hard thing to do if you aren't genuinely in that situation, but if you can do it, it certainly helps to put the small stuff into perspective.

Remember what it was about him you fell in love with.
Remember why you wanted to have his babies.
Remember that when you are old and on your death bed - it wont matter who cooked dinner more often or how many times he left a wet towel on the floor - what will matter are the times you laughed and loved together.

Of course - it's not easy to do when you have small kids and he is leaving the wet towel on the floor!! I'm not saying it is, i'm just saying we can all be too focussed on shit that doesn't actually really matter and spoil what does. If that sounds like hindsight - it's because it is :(

(He didn't die - I don't want you thinking that!!!!! We just killed the relationship, mostly with little shit that didn't really matter that much!!)

I am quite emotionally cold most of the time and I know that this is my problem not his. He has a temper and these things together create arguments I am going to make a conscious effort to do something nice this weekend, I'm sick of feeling like ships that pass in the night and the time we spend together being spoilt which usually ends up with him saying that he will go out and me telling him to

Is there more to this?

By 'he has a temper' do you mean he is aggressive?
by 'I am emotionally cold' do you mean - he scares me or I no longer love him?

? Not saying there has to be more to it, it's just starting to sound like there might be x

chipping he doesn't scare me and I love him alot I have just never been an overly affectionate person. To begin with there was the honeymoon period and then as is does it wore off and everything has become mundane. We do have alot on our plate and when I'm not at work or sorting the DC I am revising for exams so it doesn't leave any free time. My exams should be over in June so I am looking forward to a month of being able to spend time with DH and also family and friends. I think it is just we have forgotten how to enjoy each other. He does have a temper and therefore silly bickering get blown out of all proportion but this is not something which I fear and he is not violent towards me

:) that's good :)

Well, as you say, plan to do something nice this weekend. Talk to him about how much you are looking forward to the time when your exams are over so you can spend more time together... and find some nice little things to do for him between now and then. Give him as many hugs as you can squeeze out x

I think I will start by sending a text just saying 'I love you' lol

That is a good start. I know DH appreciates it when I do this.

Great start :)