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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why am I so angry at this?!

25 replies

easycomeeasygo · 18/04/2011 00:38

Hi everyone, not sure if i've posted this in the right place and I dont even know why i'm typing this..I think I just need a rant and to get it off my chest here as I think it's unfair to off load it on my DH.

Top and bottom of it is my DD1 as just just found out via facebook that her dads gf id expecting their second child. There's alot of history but basically he has had nothing to do with our 2 DDs for at least 6 years not through me stopping them from seeing him as this is something i feel the girls should decide for themselves but because he can not be bothered and chooses not to, when we first split up he was in contact with them but then it was me making the effort to take our DDs to see him, but at the time thats what the girls wanted so I cant argue. I shouldn't be angry I know, he pays nothing for their upkeep...he never has and I have never asked him for anything, I think i'm just angry because he goes on to have another child when he cant even look after the 2 he's got...rant over.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 18/04/2011 00:40

Yes you are entitled to feel angry

He is a bastard

I'm sorry You have had to find out like this

easycomeeasygo · 18/04/2011 00:47

HI Kristina, thanks for your reply. He's not that good i'm afraid lol, his dad died a few year ago and we're still waiting for him to tell us! We only found out because his mom and my mom worked at the same place and was told via the boss! its a sad state of affairs, luckily the girls aren't bothered in the slightest.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 18/04/2011 00:49

That's good they are not upset
I hope your DH is a good dad to them because their biological father sounds bloody useless

WMDinthekitchen · 18/04/2011 00:51

Some guys just can't resist sowing their seed - they want that ego boost but they aren't interested in caring for the children they father. Angry Sorry for your DDs - how are they taking this?

easycomeeasygo · 18/04/2011 00:59

Kristina..my DH is a fantastic Dad to them, we have 2 boys together too and none of them get treated any different than the other, I've been very lucky. We've been together 11 1/2 years and i'm proud and happy to say that he has been there for most of my DDs upbringing (my girls where 5 and 3 when we met)

WMD...they are fine, the younger one laughed Confused I should be happy this hasn't caused problems really.

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 01:05

I don't blame you for being angry - it hurts when someone who is supposed to care about your DC is so careLESS of them.

I am glad your DDs aren't bothered though, that makes it easier than if they were sad too.

Sounds like they haven't missed out much, thanks to your lovely DH, and they probably think of him being at least as much their dad, if not more so, as the sperm donor who created them.

It's just your "mother lioness" instinct that has kicked in - but really, now you've had your rant, you can let it go - it looks like they have already :).

easycomeeasygo · 18/04/2011 01:16

thumbbunny thank you :) everything you say is right! I can not elaborate on anything you've said as you've stated facts. Thanks for listening ladies, and actually, I do feel better. xxx

OP posts:
chrisinbirmingham · 18/04/2011 03:01

So you are angry because he is having a second child with presumably his long term girlfriend some twelve years after you have split. Get over yourself. Is he not entitled to have more children? You don?t want to unload to your DH? Why? If you were in a real relationship you would feel able to say anything to your partner. You give it the large and yet you shacked up with another man when your children were toddlers and went on to have two more. Did you reach for the phone and tell your ex that you were pregnant? Why should he have to tell you? Did he really stop seeing your daughters or did you place every obstacle in his way so that he couldn?t? I wonder. And of cause you have the usual waste of space come along and tell you you are right. KristinaM with her attacking statements. Someone who does not know you but feels justified to reiterate her poisonous comments. To anyone who comes across this site by accident do yourself a favour and don?t return as it is destructive, corrosive and certainly not beneficial to real life relationships.

prettywhiteguitar · 18/04/2011 04:34

wow chrisinbirmingham kind of missing the point there aren't we ?? He's not bothered with the children he already has nevermind starting up a new family.....and you might want to re read the original post, the poster stated that she was the one arranging contact

now you get over yourself love.....and get some sleep

chrisinbirmingham · 18/04/2011 04:45

prettywhiteguitar: I work nights so this to me is early evening. There is nothing wrong with my ability to read and understand the OP. You, however, are guilty of the same crime as many others on here of giving armchair advice when you know not all the details and are so quick to amonish the men in these threads. It is the OP who should get over herself. As for you the use of the word ?love? says it all really!

LostInSockLand · 18/04/2011 04:56

Facebook is the mother of all evil sometimes. That child will be a half sibling, wouldn't have hurt for him to have told his daughters himself I dont think. However, they took it well which is good to hear.

FedUpCantKickoff · 18/04/2011 04:57

Christina, do you live in a bubble? WTF?

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 05:00

Chrisinbirmingham, are you in any way related to Jiminbristol? similar ranty style and I would guess that you are in fact male.

prettywhiteguitar · 18/04/2011 05:05

but you didn't really acknowledge what was said by the op about her arranging access, in relation to your point about her obstructing her ex ?

the men that are admonished are done so for good reason, you will read plently of women advising against lingering in bad relationships as there are lovely men out here such as the op's DH.

Sorry for calling you love and don't go to sleep if you're at work Brew

generally if you have a different point of view an put it across without malice people do consider it...you just came across very aggressively

FedUpCantKickoff · 18/04/2011 05:27

Oh yes, sorry, Chris, wasn't wearing glasses, when I first read thread,

chrisinbirmingham · 18/04/2011 05:41

The men are not admonished for good reason. The starting point is always to attack the ex by many on this section and to assume the present DP is lovely. I am sure the girlfriend thinks he is a lovely man but that does not count, does it?

I was split from my ex for 18 years when my present partner became pregnant. I sat the children down and told them and they were both made up for us and yet the ex never spoke to me again after that such was her anger. It appears to me that she is not upset because her daughters found out through face book but because he was having another child which is a bit rich given that they have been split for so long and she had two more children with another man. Just my point of view or is that not allowed?

chrisinbirmingham · 18/04/2011 05:44

Fedupcantkickoff: Stop thowing your toys out of the pram. It comes across as childish.

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 05:50

no chris, I suspect that she is angry precisely because he DIDN'T do what you (rightly) did, he DIDN'T sit his DDs down and tell them, they only found out through facebook.

Don't project your issues onto other people. Not every exW is like yours. Everyone's situation is different.

chrisinbirmingham · 18/04/2011 05:58

I am not projecting my issues onto others I am merely proposing a different point of view which is sadly not allowed on this forum by many.

CheerfulYank · 18/04/2011 06:05

Oh good Lord.

Anyway.

No, YANBU to want to rant.

RingEir · 18/04/2011 06:06

Chris, I think the point you are not getting here is that OP is angry that her ex seems to be capable of being a father to some of his children but not others. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel hurt on her daughters' behalf, even if they are fine with it. Imagine finding out on fb that your father, who can't be bothered keeping in touch with you, has just had another child? Personally, I would be pretty devastated and feel even more rejected than before. It is clear from the OP that a huge part of the reason the DDs are handling this well is because they have a loving stepfather and they don't need their useless 'real' father.

I agree that sometimes men get the short end of the stick on MN, but often those reactionary answers come from women who have suffered a lot and who then superimpose their own experiences on others. Which is exactly what you are doing here.

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 06:06

In which case it would attract less opprobrium if you couched your opinion in less aggressive terms - you attacked the OP as though she were your exW, you decided that she had done things she specifically stated she hadn't - your opinion will be more likely to be listened to if you don't attack everyone.

KristinaM · 18/04/2011 09:08

Oh no I have never been called a waste of space on mumsnet before
I am devastated

You see, this is why we need more men on Mn, to keep us all in our places

ScaredOfCows · 18/04/2011 09:23

chrisinbirmingham - do you, by any chance, have anger management issues????

easycomeeasygo · 19/04/2011 00:56

I was split from my ex for 18 years when my present partner became pregnant. I sat the children down and told them and they were both made up for us and yet the ex never spoke to me again after that such was her anger I am assuming the children you refer to here are yours and your ex's? well thats great and that's what I would expect a decent father/man to do! I admit..last night I did feel angry, it's forgotten about now, I spoke to my DH about it last night after I posted this actually because he was reading the comments. Anyway, not that I have to explain myself to you Chris from brum..but seeing as you've judged me without even knowing me or my situation I will explain a little IF you can be bothered to read it. My ex H is extremely lucky he had the contact he did, If theres one thing I've always maintained it's that he could see the girls whenever he liked, for as long as the girls wanted to, at the end of the day it's up to them, I wouldnt make them see him if they didnt want to. Heres a little taster of what he was like...he strangled and lifted me off the ground while his hands was still around my throat while I was pregnant with DD1 (infront of his friend) which resulted in me giving birth early, and DD1 was very tiny and very sick and to this day...she is 16..she still has problems he kicked me in the head while i was driving the car, I just gave birth to our DD2, I left him him alone with her on the ward, I came back, he'd gone and robbed my purse. I had money put away in a wardrobe..not alot £500, to start us off for our first place we had, he took that also..was spent on drugs. He slept with my next door neighbour, he hit me, to the point where our DDs where huddled together screaming, he's tried to run me, DH and his own children off the road in a stolen car when he had no insurance or license to drive..yes I should have got out from the start, and yes police was involved. like I said thats just a little taster of what this man is like, would you allow your daughter and her children to be treated this way?? I'd think not but nothing surprises me!

So what are you going to say now Chris? I was a bad mother for putting my children through this? or do you think this was acceptable behaviour from him?? I really do think you should re-read what you've put and take your own advice!

To the OPs..thank you, didn't think it would kick off like that but chrisinbirmingham - do you, by any chance, have anger management issues???? who knows??

KristinaM you are right he is a BASTARD! and your not a waste of space. I was talking to my xH xgf last night I told her I wish he'd had children with her, she's a very decent woman who he also took advantage of and she put this *well to tell you the truth hun your kids dont need him and look how he would bring them up anyway be druggies and thieves they r better off without him tbh you have done a brill job hun and they love you xxxxx

Well at the end of the day, I can say Its a good job I got out when I did, I'm very proud to say that my DD's have had the upbringing which they deserve, I have a wonderful, supportive, hard working DH . And if ever XH's children knocked my door in however many years (and it will happen) to come we would welcome them with open arms because the top and bottom of it is..is that there are 4 children here that didnt ask for any of it. Brew

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