Do I want dh to change too much, all boils down to sex I think.

[namename]

Dh and I have been together 7 years, been married 6. From the start sex was really an issue, dh has problems maintaining an erection. I loved him for being him and really thought it would work itself out in time. I remarkably fell pregnant on one of the few times 'it worked' and dh asked me to marry him. I have always wanted a big family so we have now got 4 children. The last two were so hard to conceive because of dh problem and it took a great strain on our marraige. Anyway all of them are here now and we are left with our marraige.

The problem has always been there for dh, he has never had a relationship with anyone, just one night stands whilst he was in the army which some times he couldn't do anyway because of his problem. He was 37 when we met and never had a girl friend.

It has taken a big knock of my confidence and dh now works away too. Tonight I feel particually sad as he has taken to going to work on a sunday once we have put the children to bed rather than get up at 5am. I asked him if he would stay at home tonight, he got moody and after a while said yes, I said I want him to stay at home because he wants to not because he feels he should. I get the same feelings with the sex thing too, feel he is doing it out of obligation to me not because he really wants to.

The problem obviously stems from his childhood as he was put in care at 7 years old. He has seen a coucellor since we have been together which didn't help at all really.

I am just wondering where this leaves me, I long for someone to really really want me in every way. I know dh wants me in every other way as he crys when ever I talk of us splitting up and he says he loves me so much but wouldn't blame me if I went with someone else.

Can anyone put a touch of reality on all this for me as I am feeling so sad and lonely tonight. When dh left tonight I stood at the window for ages in tears thinking surely he will come back, but no he hasn't.

Have I been a complete fool to think that this is going to work for us and made four lives with out even thinking and if so where does that leave us all.

You sound so sad .

Has he been for a check up with the GP? Have you thought about sex therapy?

Is it a deal breaker for you now when it might not have been before?

Has he been seeing the counsellor the whole 7 years?

Does he talk about sex with you at all? Are you otherwise intimate - hugs/kisses/lots of talking?

What does he think the problem is - physical or psychological?

And lastly, was he abused in care?

I am sad yes, just don't know what to do. He has been for a check with the gp, all ok physically, just put him on the waiting list to see a counsellor, which we ended up going private anyway.

We could go to sex therapy, I think he would if it meant it would save our marraige. We are skint as well so couldn't afford it at the mo, maybe that is it that I should just not think about it for the time being and at a later date we can deal with it properly when the children are older and we can afford it.

I feel I don't really have the confidence at the moment for it to be a deal breaker, im just worried for the future and hate the resentment I feel towards dh. I want us to stay together but I want him to change so much in this way.

Laurie, he only saw the councellor for a few months, then I fell pregnant with dc3 and it didn't seem such a issue.

He will talk about sex and I have found porn web sites on the computer he has been looking at, which made me feel shit. I did confront him on them, not that I mind anyway, well I wouldn't if he was doing it with me too. He said he understood that makes me feel sad that he was looking at porn but not doing it with me. I told him to delete the history next time. Another brushing under the carpet hey?

He is very aware the problem is psycological rather than physical. And no he wasn't abused in care.

Thanks for replying.

Yes we are physcial in other ways, holding hands, kissing ect.

bump, any other advice??

Ok, so the psychological is probably due to self-worth, self-esteem, intimacy issues.

You could go through Relate - they do staggered fees so you could pay as little as £5 a session.

There are other charities for counselling if he wants to go on his own - a few sessions is not going to be enough to address these issues. I have seen people with similar issues for long-term work.

Really sorry for you both

poor soul, he must be tormented

no words of advice, just keep hugging him

Maybe my answer is then to stick with it, be kind to him, don't put any pressure on (worried we may go without sex for a long time then). Feel that is slightly putting my needs aside, but I could do it.

Thats great that relate is can be cheap, its what to do with all the kids though while we go. Maybe I should wait till they are a bit older, they will all be in school in 3 years, then we could go for counselling. I would do that for my children more than anything, to keep our family together.

I don't think you should put your relationship needs aside for 3 years - that's a long time - is there no-one who could watch them for an hour or two ?

I agree that is a long time, makes me feel numb just thinking about it. It would be difficult getting someone on a regular basis, my mum and dad live to far away. I will have to think about how we could do it.

Thanks so much for replying, i've never told anyone any of this before, reached crisis point tonight for me and I feel a bit better to have written it all down and have someone listen. x

Just thinking out of the box a bit - what about viagra? I know it isn't a physical cause but anxiety about maintaining an erection is self-perpetuating, isn't it? Eg worrying about getting erect isn't conducive to staying erect etc - maybe a bit of chemical help could break the anxiety cycle?

I suggested viagra from the word go balia, but dh does not want to try it. I wish he would.